Don’t Play With Fire

(I have been working for about two years and I manage not to take sick days in this period. Sadly, as I wake up this morning it seems that something I ate STRONGLY disagrees with me, to the point that my wife has to bring me the phone to the bathroom so I can call in sick. I call my boss and his obnoxious secretary answers.)

Me: “Hello, this is [My Name] speaking. I wanted to let you know that I won’t be coming in today due to health issues.”

Secretary: “No.”

Me: “Excuse me?”

Secretary: “No, you’re either coming to work or getting fired. This is getting out of hand.”

Me: “Miss, something is certainly getting out of hand here; I CAN’T come in to work. I’m really feeling sick and can’t leave my house.”

Secretary: “Then consider yourself fired. Come to get your documentation—” *sarcastically* “—when you’re feeling better.”

Me: “Wait a minute. You don’t have the authority to fire me. [Boss]—”

Secretary: *click*

(I decide to call my boss on his cellphone, to bypass his secretary.)

Boss: “Yo, you’re late today!”

Me: “Late? I was told I’m fired.”

Boss: “Fired!? Who told you that?”

Me: “Your secretary did when I tried calling in sick. It seems I ate something and I’m not in position to leave my house.”

Boss: “Wait, what? Why did she… Oh s***! Did you tell her your name when you called?”

Me: “Of course I did. It was the first thing I told.”

Boss: “Idiot. I told her that I’ll fire [Other Coworker notorious for calling in sick] if he ever pulls that again…”

Me: “So, she decided to fire ‘him’ right away, when ‘he’ called?”

Boss: “I guess that’s right. But [Coworker] is in today, so she assumed it was you when you called. I’m going to explain to her that being my secretary doesn’t allow her to fire people. As for you, take today and two more days off, to bounce back, okay?”

(Long story short, Secretary didn’t quite get why she can’t fire people on her own behalf – even if my boss did mention thinking about firing them before. So my boss explained it to her by showing her the door.)