Don’t Have A Cow, Man
(I work on a cattle farm in a small town. I am checking fences on the quad bike when a small car drives up the dirt road next to the paddock I’m in. A couple gets out of a small car and walks up to me. This is just a farm; we do not handle customers, just send cattle to the marketplace. I have no retail experience and have had a very bad day and it’s almost quitting time.)
Boyfriend: “Hello there. We’re from [City] and we saw those small cows in the fields back there, and we were wondering if we could buy one?”
Me: “Sorry, mate, the calves aren’t for sale.”
Boyfriend: “But my girlfriend really wants one.”
Me: “Sorry, mate, we don’t sell ’em to people and besides, how would you get it back to your house?”
Boyfriend: “We put it in the boot.” *the trunk*
Me: “Wait, what? You put what in the boot?!”
Boyfriend: “The small cow…”
Me: “What the h***, man! You can’t do that!”
(I climb through the fence and make the couple open the boot. Inside is a week-old calf!)
Me: “Jesus, mate, how the f*** did you get it in there?!”
Boyfriend: “Well, that’s the other thing I wanted to talk about! It wasn’t easy at all; my girlfriend got kicked!
Girlfriend: *shows me her arm, bruise already starting to show* “It really hurts; I think we should get the cow for free.”
Me: “YOU’RE NOT GETTING THE CALF!”
Boyfriend: “That’s not fair! It was so hard to get; we didn’t even have time to close the gate again.”
Me: “You didn’t close the gate…”
Girlfriend: “No. Why?”
Me: *looks back down the road to see half the mob of cattle wandering towards us*
Me: “F***!”
(I grab the calf, which until this point hasn’t felt the need to move much for whatever reason, and place it on the ground. It immediately takes off towards the other cattle, bellowing for its mother.)
Boyfriend: “What the f*** did you that for, you f****** a**-hole! I should kick your a**! We are gonna find your boss and get you fired!”
Me: “Whatever. Just get lost!
(I race to the quad bike, start rounding up cattle, taking them back to the paddock before they get to the main roads. It takes about half an hour. When I get back to the shed the car is out the front and my boss is talking to the couple.)
Boss: “These two just told me the funniest story about you.” *he’s smiling, thinking this has to be a joke*
Me: *still fuming over what happened, begin yelling at the couple*
Boss: “Wait, this isn’t a joke?”
Boyfriend: “No, this isn’t a joke! Your employee is terrible!”
Boss: *takes a moment to process the whole thing, begins to get his angry face on, and I retreat to safe distance* “YOU’RE TELLING ME YOU TWO TRIED TO STEAL ONE OF MY CALVES?! GET THE H*** OFF THIS PROPERTY BEFORE I FIND A DEEP MINE-SHAFT I CAN THROW YOU IN!”
Couple: *shared look of terror on faces, they run to the car and speed off*
Boss: *after calming down* “Beer?”
Me: “God, yes.”
This story is part of the Farmer roundup.
Question of the Week
Have you ever served a bad customer who got what they deserved?
