Don’t Do The Dime If You Can’t Do The Time

(There’s this guy we deliver to almost every day between four and six o’clock at a sketchy apartment complex that smells like weed. He’s very nice and polite, and he always tips at least $5 for his order — which, considering how close he is to the restaurant, is pretty good. His orders vary every day, though. One day it’ll be three sandwiches and two cookies, the next only one sandwich, the next day seven sandwiches with six chips and three cookies, etc. One day, I’m delivering his order to him and he answers the door.)

Customer: “Yo, I’m so sorry. I thought I had more money, but I don’t have enough for a tip.”

Me: “Oh, I guess I can let slide this time. But seriously, it’s not a big deal. We like you; you’re very polite, and never get mad at us.”

Customer: “I just feel so bad.”

Me: “As long as you can pay for the order, I won’t be mad.”

Customer: “Can you take other forms of tips?”

(Some of the local businesses will tip us popcorn, cookies, or other treats in place of money; we usually accept.)

Me: “Depends on what it is.”

Customer: “I got a dime if you want it.”

Me: “…”

Customer: “It’s really good stuff, I promise. Also, if any of you guys need a hookup, just let me know.”

Me: “I cannot take that kind of tip, but thank you for the offer.”

Customer: “Well, if you guys change your mind, you know where I live!”