This Dog Food Is Crap

(My sister and I both get puppies from the same litter and take care of them for each other. My sister’s dog has a talent to get into trouble and eat things — or roll around in them — that are not meant for dog consumption. He’s also a bit more on the sickly side, and often has troubles with indigestion. My sister is out with a friend after taking care of the dogs in the morning, when I call her.)

Me: “Did you know that Theo ate cat poop this morning?”

Sister: “I wasn’t really sure if he did. I thought he found something outside, but I didn’t know what. Sorry for not telling you to keep his tongue off your face, but… Wait.”

(A brief pause ensues, and I can practically hear her thinking.)

Sister: “How do you know he ate cat poop, exactly?”

Me: “Oh, I was just chilling on the sofa watching TV when he came up to me. I thought he wanted to cuddle and went to pick him up, but before I could even touch him he vomited up a completely intact pile of very warmed-up cat poop right next to my feet. Completely. Intact.”

Sister: *after a pause* “I’m so sorry. Did you manage to clean it up, or should I come home?”

Me: “Oh, no, I managed. I’m just really freaked out. I mean, I know he’s kind of famous for swallowing things whole, but that was just… disgusting. And impressive. But mostly disgusting, and kind of eerie. Also, I hate you, because he licked my whole face. Be glad I was too shocked to take a picture. I would have really ruined your coffee date. And now I’m going to shower, and whatever he eats in the ten minutes I’m gone is officially your problem to deal with, because I’m just done now.”