Doesn’t Know When To Finnish

(I’m teaching myself Finnish by talking to a friend over texts and by reading the newspaper clippings she sends me every now and then. It takes me a long time to read them, because I’m just beginning, so I do it in a library with a notebook to jot down notes. An elderly woman comes up while I am in the middle of getting my clippings, notebook, and pen out.)

Woman: “Oh! What are you doing there? Learning Arabic or something?”

(I look down at the very obviously not-Arabic text.)

Me: “Nope, actually Finnish.”

Woman: “What?”

Me: “Finnish? Suomi?”

Woman: *annoyed* “Are you telling me you don’t want to talk to me?”

Me: “No, miss, I’m just saying that I’m teaching myself Finnish, the language from Finland.”

Woman: *finally clicks* “Oh! I’m so sorry! I keep sticking my foot in it!”

Me: “Not a problem, ma’am.”

(I go to start working, and then I see the headline and stop.)

Woman: “What’s the problem? You can’t do it?”

Me: “No, ma’am, it’s just I’m not sure this story is quite appropriate.”

(I go to turn the page, but the woman snatches the clipping away and looks at it, bewildered.)

Woman: “Don’t be ridiculous; how hard could it be?”

Me: “Finnish isn’t related to English, so it’s unlikely you’d be able to recognize much.”

Woman: “You’re just faking; [you’re] trying to pick up women by looking clever! I f****** hate you f****** a**-holes who think they can fool people! You’re just a f****** b****** who thinks he’s so smart! D*** f****** kids these days!”

(The woman flings the clipping back down and storms off. I begin translating, saying it as I write just loud enough for her to hear.)

Me: “HORNY BEARS TORMENTING PEOPLE…”