Do You Have Any ID-ea Who I Am?

(A middle-aged customer approaches the counter with her male companion.)

Me: “Hello, ma’am. Did you find everything you needed?”

Customer: “Mhm.” *texting*

(I scan her items and take her card. I notice the back of the card isn’t signed.)

Me: “Ma’am, can I see your ID?”

Customer: “Hmm? I don’t have it on me. It’s in my car.”

Me: “Well, I need to see ID before I can complete this transaction.”

Customer: “Well… I don’t HAVE anything.”

Me: “Then I can’t complete this transaction.” *hands back her card*

Customer: “Wait! I still want this stuff!”

Me: “Then maybe you can go to your car and get your ID?”

(She just stares at me for a second.)

Customer: “I don’t think I brought it.”

Me: “Okay… Do you have something that has your signature on it so I can compare it to the one on the screen?”

Customer: *thinks for a moment* “I could just sign my name on my card.”

Me: “No, something like a library card that already has a signature on it. It’s required I check this for all customers’ security.”

Customer: *looks at her companion and shrugs* “I don’t know. I’m me.”

Me: “Yes, but I need to make sure that your identity matches the card.”

(She starts looking distressed.)

Customer: “Babe, tell her my name.”

Man: “Yeah, that’s not what she means.”

Me: “Here’s what I can do for you: I can go ahead and put these things on hold, put your name on it, and when you get back with your ID, you can let either me or whoever is at the cashier know you have items on hold.”

Customer: “But I thought you said you had to verify my identity!”

Me: “Yes, but I don’t need that to put things on hold. This doesn’t require a credit card.”

Customer: “You could just write my name down and use that for my ID!”

(The man actually sighs and holds his head in his hand.)

Me: “I’m sorry, but writing your name down isn’t going to cut it for ID.”

Customer: “BUT I’M ME! I don’t know what else I can do to tell you that!”

Me: “You can get your ID and show me that.”

(This continues for several minutes. She threatens to go to another cashier. There isn’t one. I explain that every cashier checks ID every single time, even for small purchases and customers we personally know.)

Me: *frustrated* “The ONLY forms of payment that don’t require an ID are cash and gift cards.”

Customer: “But I don’t HAVE any cash!”

Me: “Then you need your ID. I can’t help you until you either have cash or have your ID.”

Customer: “Oh, but this card was a gift! *holding up her credit card* Soooo, I don’t NEED an ID!”

Me: “No, THIS is a gift card.” *points to gift card display* “You have a credit card. Like I have been saying, I can’t help you until you get cash or have your ID.

Man: Let’s just go get it from the car.”

(The two of them bicker a little and finally leave. Another customer comes up, having seen the exchange.)

Other Customer: “What a ding-dong! She should just pay with a check. Everyone knows you don’t need ID for those!”

Me: *sigh* “Yes, you do…”