Do Not Acid Test God

(I work at a twenty-four-hour convenience store on a college campus I attend. A man in his twenties comes in at about 4:00 am. He’s the only one in the store except me and one of my coworkers.)

Me: “Hi there! How’re you today?”

Customer: “Not bad.”

(He walks over to one of the three aisles in the store before starting to strip down naked. I’m taken aback and immediately start to call the police, while my coworker attempts to talk the man down.)

Coworker: “Hey, dude, what are you doing? Put your clothes on!”

Customer: “It’s a glorious day! A righteous day!”

(The man, now fully nude, begins to touch his body to the disgust of both of us. He starts rubbing his front up against the ice-cold freezer door.)

Me: “Sir, I’ve called the police. They’ll be here soon; please put your clothes on.”

(The customer mumbles incoherently as he rests up against the door, touching himself very inappropriately. My coworker manages to talk him into getting into his underwear as the cops arrive and arrest him.)

Cop #1: “What’s your name, son?”

Customer: “I AM GOD!”

Cop #1: “Yeah, okay, son. Let’s go.”

(The cops lead him out into the freezing air in only his underwear. Later in the day, they come back to explain why he did it.)

Cop #1: “Apparently, he was on four hits of acid and had just left a house party on campus!”

(The customer came in the next day demanding that we return his iPhone that “we clearly stole.” We threw him out of the store.)

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