Disorder Out Of Order

(It’s very cold outside, so my husband decides he wants to order delivery from one of the Indian restaurants in our area. Their food is very good, but extremely spicy, even by Indian cuisine standards. I usually place the orders for delivery and take care of the tipping only because my husband is a man-child.)

Husband: “Come ooooon…”

Me: “Give me one second; I need to send an email.”

Husband: “FINE. I will order it myself!”

Me: “I said ONE SECOND. I will order it.”

Husband: “Nope! You’re too slow! I’m ordering.”

Me: “Don’t forget—”

Husband: *jokingly* “GET OFF MY BACK, WOMAN!”

Me: “FINE!”

(Later, the food comes and he almost forgets to tip the delivery guy, which I quickly correct lest we be blacklisted.)

Me: “Uh… honey… You didn’t order any naan? Or… rice? Or… What the h*** is this?”

(I hold up a container.)

Husband: “I dunno, it had a weird name, I figured I would try it.”

Me: “Uh… your container says ‘extra hot’… Did they make a mistake?”

Husband: “No, I wanted it extra hot! I felt like something spicy and you never let me get spicy food.”

Me: *completely offended* “You talk like I’m your mother!”

Husband: “YOU SURE ACT LIKE IT SOMETIMES!”

Me: “FINE. Eat your d*** extra hot food without any rice or bread to take the burn down.”

(He won’t admit while eating that the food is way too spicy for him, but very soon after eating:)

Husband: “AAAAHHH! MY FACE IS MELTING! IT HUUUUURTS!”

Me: “I bet it does.”

(He tries drinking cold water and it gets worse. He tries other things with equally bad effects.)

Husband: *groaning* “WHY DID YOU LET ME ORDER?!”

Me: “You said I was too slow and you screwed up the order. Why is that?!”

Husband: “BUT I’M DUMB! YOU CAN’T LET ME DO THINGS!” *pained groaning*

Me: “Go eat some cheese and you’ll feel better.”

Husband: “It’s like I ate a fire and it’s trying to come out!” *pained groaning* “Maybe you should place the orders from now on.”

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