Diseases & Dimwits

| Toronto, ON, Canada | Friendly | November 11, 2014

(Some friends of mine play a game of [Popular Role-Playing Game] where one of our players is sort of dim-witted, if sweet. Their characters all meet up in a stereotypical tavern and are told about treasures in a nearby underground dungeon. The characters go after the treasure and are now quite a way in, underground, so going back quickly would be hard. They have already fought some monsters and are somewhat injured when this happens:)

Game Master: “While wandering the open area off that tunnel, [Friend’s Character] finds a locked wooden chest.”

Friend: “What’s in it?”

Game Master: “You can’t see. It’s closed.”

Friend: “Um, okay. I open the box and look inside.”

Game Master: “It’s locked. You can’t.”

Friend: “Um, okay. I unlock the box and look inside.”

Game Master: “Unlock it? With what?”

Friend: “Oh… Um, ok. I hit the lock with my knife and try to break it open.”

Game Master: *rolls dice* “Sorry. The lock doesn’t break and now your knife is damaged.”

Friend: “Um, okay. I shake the box. What do I hear?”

Game Master: “You hear some sloshing and clinking.”

Friend: “Um, okay. I try bashing the box open with my knife.”

Game Master: “You can’t. It’s too damaged to be useful like that.”

Friend: “Um, okay. I throw the box REALLY HARD against the wall to break it open.

Game Master: “WHAT?!”

Friend: “Yeah. I throw the box REALLY HARD against the wall.”

Game Master: “I’m really not supposed to help you players out of your mistakes but are you sure you really want to do that?”

Friend: “Yes.”

(The other players panic and tried to convince Friend not to do this. Friend is adamant, however, and her character throws the box as hard as she can at a nearby wall.)

Game Master: *rolls dice, his eyes bug out* “Okay. The box hits the wall and smashes open, wood splintering everywhere, bits of metal clattering where they land from being broken off the box, and you hear the sound of glass shattering and shards of glass are everywhere. There’s also a pool of liquid where the box broke open.”

Friend: “What was in the box?”

Game Master: “IT’S ALL BROKEN! THERE ARE SHARDS OF GLASS EVERYWHERE AND A PUDDLE OF LIQUID IN THE MIDDLE OF ALL THAT GLASS!”

Friend: “So, maybe they were jars of liquid?”

Game Master: *getting exasperated at this point* “MAYBE.”

Friend: “Is the puddle magical?”

Game Master: “Do you have any SPELLS for that, because otherwise, HOW WILL YOU KNOW?!”

Friend: “Oh… Um, okay. I have ‘Detect Magic.’ I cast that.”

Game Master: “Finally! Yes, you can detect magic in the puddles. That was magical liquid.”

Friend: “Okay. What is it?”

Game Master: *loses it* “Okay. You know what? Those were potions in that chest. MAGICAL POTIONS that you just smashed against a wall. ARE YOU HAPPY NOW?!”

Friend: “Which potions?”

Game Master: “FINE! THEY WERE TWO HEALING POTIONS, AND NOW THEY ARE BROKEN AND SPILLED ALL OVER THE FLOOR!”

Friend: “Um, okay. I lick the floor.”

Game Master: “…WHAT?!”

Friend: “I lick the floor.”

Game Master: “…what?! WHY?!”

Friend: “You said those were healing potions that broke onto the floor and my character is injured, so I go to where the potions spilled and I lick the floor.”

(The Game Master’s eyes about come out of his head, as do the other players.)

Game Master: “SURE! You LICK the floor!” *rolls dice* “Great job there! Your character gains POINT-FIVE of a hit point and ALSO gains…” *rolls dice, looks up on a separate chart* “…TWO DISEASES!”

(The game master describes two deadly diseases from the disease chart that comes up when he rolled.)

Game Master: “YOU LICKED A DUNGEON FLOOR! DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT?! YOU… LICKED… A… F****** DUNGEON FLOOR!”

(Everyone’s minds were blown, but the game continued on. Out of pity, he allowed her to have her character pray to the character’s goddess and magically cure the character of the diseases. He then reconsidered if he ever wanted her to play in his games anymore…)

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