Discovering New Dimensions Of Unreasonableness

(I work at a photo center as a technician. We develop pictures in all standard sizes, ranging from wallet-sized to giant posters, and we can usually do almost anything with pictures. Note that a 4×8 is a small, long rectangle and an 8×10 is more of a square, two completely different shapes.)

Me: “Good morning! How may I help you today?”

Customer: “Hello! I need this picture to be an 8×10, please.” *hands me an invitation that measures 4×8*

Me: “Okay, just so you know, due to the shape of this picture, there will be a little white around the edges to make up for the missing space.”

Customer: “Oh, no! That won’t do! I need it to cover the whole 8×10 area!”

Me: “Well, in that case, the only thing I can do is stretch the image to make it reach the top, but the image will be squashed.”

Customer: “No! That won’t do. either! I just want this to be in an 8×10! How hard could it be?!”

Me: “Well, ma’am, due to the law of mass, it is physically impossible to put something with these measurements into an 8×10 without either squashing the image or having a small amount of space left over. If you like, I can cut the space off once it is printed.”

Customer: “NO! THE CUSTOMER IS ALWAYS RIGHT! YOU WILL DO THIS FOR ME!”

Me: “Ma’am, what you are asking would require me to break a law of physics. That is not possible!”

Customer: “Fine! If you will not print this for me, I will go find someone who will!”

Me: *under my breath* “Good luck, ma’am! I hear Stephen Hawking is hard to get a hold of, though.”

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