Deranged Exchange

(I work at an electronic cigarette store in a popular local mall. I have just returned from a month-long vacation. I’m counting inventory when a customer approaches.)

Customer: “I bought this from you two weeks ago.”

Me: “From me personally, sir? I’ve been on vacation for the last month, but I’d be happy to help yo—”

Customer: “Yes. I’m sure it was you. The product isn’t working.”

Me: “Can I take a look? Often times it’s a quick fix.”

Customer: “No. I’d just like to exchange it.”

Me: “Okay, sir. Do you have your receipt?”

Customer: “No. Just give me a new one.”

Me: “Sure. Let me see if I can diagnose the problem and perhaps you can keep the one you have after all. If not I’ll be happy to replace it.”

Customer: “I didn’t bring it with me.”

Me: “…”

Customer: “Well? Are you going to exchange it?”

Me: “Unfortunately I’m unable to process an exchange without you giving me the product back.”

Customer: “Just give me another one for free!”

Me: “Sir, as I stated, I unfortunately cannot give you a new product for free without receiving the old one from you.”

Customer: “Fine. In that case I’d like to return it.”

Me: “Again, sir. I cannot give you back your money if you do not have the product to return to me.”

Customer: “NOBODY TOLD ME THAT! THEY SAID I COULD COME BACK AND RETURN IT WITHIN TWO WEEKS, AND IT’S BEEN TWO WEEKS!”

Me: *remaining calm* “So, let me get this straight: you want to return your product and get your money back, but you don’t have the actual product to ‘return’ to me?”

Customer: “YES! WHY IS THIS SO F****** DIFFICULT?! GIVE ME MY MONEY OR I’LL KICK YOUR A**!”

(The man pushes me. I am a bit shocked that this has escalated so quickly but I keep my composure.)

Me: “I’m sorry, but that will not be possible.”

Customer: “YOU ARE ALL A BUNCH OF LIARS AND CHEATS! I WILL CALL THE POLICE!”

Me: “I would be happy to provide you with the number of the local police department if you’d like. Then when they get here you can explain to them how you assaulted me and threatened to ‘kick my a**’ when I very nicely explained that I cannot process a return for an item that you are not actually returning.”

Customer: “…”

Me: “So, would you like that number? Or I can call if that would be more convenient for you, sir.”

Customer: “Well… F*** you!” *storms off*

Me: *yelling to the customer as he leaves* “You have a pleasant evening, too, sir!”