Dementia In Absentia

(The owner of the place isn’t all quite there — too much to drink some days — and hardly knows how to run a business. Every day, she calls in to check on business.)

Me: *answering the phone* “Welcome to [Store]. This is [My Name]. How may I help you?”

Owner: *sounds hungover* “[My Name]? When did you start working?”

Me: “I’ve been here since we opened at seven am.”

Owner: “What time is it now?”

Me: “Almost 11.”

Owner: “Okay, I’ll be in around noon.”

(Noon rolls by and she doesn’t show up until around six pm.)

Owner: “Sorry, I’m late. I had to do errands.”

Me: “Oh, okay. Well, I’m almost finished cleaning up and then I’ll be leaving.”

Owner: “That’s fine.”

(The owner pulls out a bottle of rum hidden in the freezer, grabs a cake from the cooler, and then empties out the register.)

Owner: “I’m going home now. See you tomorrow.”

Me: “All right. I’ll lock up when I’m done.”

(I finish cleaning up by seven pm and just before I lock up, my cellphone rings. It shows my boss on the caller ID.)

Me: “Hi, [Boss], I’m leaving now.”

Owner: “On your way home can you drop me off my bottle of rum, maybe a cake, and tell me how much money is in the drawer?”

Me: “Uh, when you stopped by earlier, you took the rum, the cake, and the money.”

Owner: “No, I didn’t!”

Me: “Yes, you did. You put your money in your pocket, and took the bottle of rum and the cake to your car.”

Owner: “I swear you stole it! I’m going to call the cops and they’ll be arriving the same time that I get there!”

Me: “I swear that you stopped by and picked up the rum, your cake, and the money from the register not even an hour ago.”

(I hear a car door open in the background, followed by a string of swears.)

Me: “I take it you found what you were looking for?”

Owner: *flustered* “You lucked out this time! I found the cake and the money, but the bottle of rum is empty and sitting on the passenger seat of my car!”

Me: “Did you drink it on your way home? I don’t think the cops would have appreciated that.”

Owner: *click*

(I closed up shop, left my key, and never returned to work after that!)