Their Demands Are Making Waves

, , , | Right | June 5, 2017

(I work part-time in the summer season as a lifeguard at a public beach. The waves have been a bit choppier than normal, so I am watching pretty carefully from the chair for anyone that might need help. A lady comes stomping up to me, dripping wet, and I brace myself for a demand to ‘turn down the waves.’)

Woman: “I lost my earring!”

Me: “…I’m sorry to hear that?”

(The woman just stares at me for a second.)

Woman: “Well?”

Me: “I’m very sorry to hear that?”

Woman: *grunts* “Go find it!”

(I stare at her, then down at the beach. She has a tiny little stud in one ear. The chances of me finding the matching stud if it was laying out on the sand would be bad; add in the waves, and it is effectively zero.)

Me: “I’m sorry; I have to stay on duty to keep an eye out for anyone who might be in danger.”

(That is literally the line they gave us in training for when someone invites you to play volleyball or have a drink with them. The lady stared at me, wide-eyed, before she started making a noise like a steaming teapot. Her shrieky whistle rose up to a full scream, and she just stood there, screaming at me for moment, before she spun around and stomped away, still screaming. I found out from a friend that works in a food stand nearby that she came up to the stand to try to file a complaint against me.)

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  • Stephanie McConnell

    I can’t imagine what would make someone think it was a lifeguard’s job to help with something like that….or anyone’s really, but the lifeguard ? Smh…

    • Angel

      “But earrings have lives too!” (I’ll go now)

      • Carrie

        All earrings matter!

    • beacon80

      The logic is very simple (wrong, mind you, but very simple). Something went wrong, so she turned to the nearest person with any responsibility over the situation and insisted he fix it. Much like you’d ask an usher to help you if you’d lost an earring.
      The difference between an usher and a lifeguard has probably not occurred to her.

      • Carrie

        Except there is still the very real fact that the usher wouldn’t have been able to find the earring in this situation. A rational person might get upset, but know mark it a loss instead of demanding any service employee look for something even more difficult than a needle in a haystack

        • Ophelia

          “My earring is more valuable and important than you’ll ever be, or any of these hairless apes on this beach! Now go find it right now!”


      • strangeangel24601

        Or like a child would ask a security guard to take him to the bathroom because he needs to go potty and he doesn’t know where his mommy is.

  • RyderOrRiot1

    Turn down the waves was the next complaint

    • Matty

      Either that, or that there are too many rocks in the ocean.

      Personally, that woman has too many rocks in her head.

      • Kitty

        The water is too salty, too!

        • jimfromtx

          Not as salty as she was, apparently.

    • godzillahomer

      And then someone requested that they return the sharks to their kennels or something similar

  • Lord Circe

    I mean, if there is someplace like a lost-and-found nearby, you might be able to direct her there, but really, if you wear jewelery in a situation like this, you have to accept that if it gets lost, it’s gone.

  • Jackie Fauxe

    We can only hope that every person she told this story to hoping for commiseration stared at her incredulously or laughed in her face.

    • WC

      Sadly, it’s much more likely that she’s got a vapid echo-chamber of friends who were also aghast that the lifeguard wouldn’t help her.

  • Cassia212

    “Kim, there’s people that are dying…”

  • Carrie

    If you don’t wish to make Poseiden an offering, maybe don’t wear jewelry to the beach. Clearly this was too advanced a concept for her.

    • Siirenias

      Beats the alternative. I don’t think she would have survived the Cyclops.

      • General Ledger

        I don’t know. She sure acts like a Nobody.

        • Cody Ranney

          “Nohbdy” is one of my favourite things in the odyssey, thank you for that reference.

      • Carrie

        Would that have been such a great loss, though?

      • John Mill

        I would have gone with ‘Kraken’ – for all of its possible meanings.

    • Patrick Lambert

      We`ve just found the villain in the up coming Aquaman mo

  • Arhi Mith

    The last shred of hope for humanity has just died in my heart.

    Seriously, how do people like that survive? I mean, she has to use cutlery several times a day. She drives (shudder!). She holds a job or has managed to persuade someone to keep her (how?). Those are not small challenges for someone who is unable to understand a function of a lifeguard.

    • Siirenias

      She confronted nature. Then she fled back to the city.

    • Ophelia

      One possibility: I was told when I was in kindergarten and such that the purpose of a lifeguard is “to help people when they need it.” Perhaps this lady never learned and further details than that and sees lifeguards at the beach as some sort of general assistant to everybody there.

      Or she vastly overestimates the capacity of a lifeguard and expected OP to run to the ocean, dive into the water, swim like a dolphin, retrieve the ring (because, like in video games, the lifeguard can see a glimmer from the distance), and swim back and give it back to the lady.

      • Huck Perry


      • Luke Green

        Maybe she misunderstood. She lost her earring, the lifeguard has to help, as she needs it. Duh.

    • Charlotte M Spurrill-Kayser

      It’s entirely possible she’s a rich idiot with no day job.

    • Colin Burke

      If she’s pretty and good at hiding her true nature (and maybe not even that) she might be a trophy wife.

  • tulip_poplar

    Waves have ripped ponytail holders out of my hair. I can’t imagine wearing earrings into the water and assuming they will stay put.

    • Sandy Pham

      perhaps if you glue them…

      • Jhinnua

        Gorilla glue, crazy glue, or hot glue?

        • Doc

          Someone like that probably shouldn’t be near any glue stronger than Elmer’s school glue.

        • Sandy Pham

          scotch super glue

  • Vira Vandom

    Oh geeze.

    She’s lucky humans are not hunter-gatherers anymore; she would never survive.

  • Illogically

    Now, there’s the kind of people who go to the beach just to sit on the sand and look pretty, but if you go to the beach to actually swim and enjoy yourself you should know better than to bring anything delicate into the water with you. Much less make it the lifeguard’s problem.

  • Luke Green

    Yay, another self centred arsehole. They make the best stories.

    • Deadpool

      Upvoting for proper use of the word ‘yay’. Too many idiots use ‘yea’ without knowing the meaning.

      • Cody Ranney

        It’s another way of saying yes isn’t it?

        • Deadpool

          A bit more than that. The way it’s used correctly in the modern world is to vote “yea or nay.”

          yea ˈyā
          1 : yes — used in oral voting
          2 : (archaic) more than this : not only so but — used to introduce a more explicit or emphatic phrase “yet the impression, yea the evidence, is inescapable” — J. G. Harrison

          • Yaro

            Is yea the same as yeah?

          • Deadpool



      • Powers

        I’m not sure I’ve ever seen someone write “yea” when they mean “yay”.

        • I’ve seen it surprisingly often.

  • Cave Johnson

    If she starts drowning wait a bit before saving her then claim you were too busy looking for her earring.

  • Stephen

    She lost it? Are you shore?

    • General Ledger

      Please under sand she’s knot being a beach for giving the lifeguard such reef. She’s merely thinks sun buoy palmed it for nefarious porpoises.

      • AgnesRegina

        Now sea here, I have an ocean that such puns will not fly… Or float?

  • Kitty

    Next time she makes that teapot noise, shove her into the cold ocean. The resulting Zisch sound will be satisfying.

    • Ilya


  • Ilya

    I can’t understand why adults have to scream like little kids when they don’t get their way. Apparently mommy and daddy never disciplined them or told them “no”.

  • Passenger_Zero

    “Go find it” like you are a slave to little entitled her?
    Miss Prissy pants can find her own earring like a grown adult.

  • Amy Susan Fisher

    Does this woman not know anything about beaches? Man, when I go to the beach, I either leave my earrings at home or wear crappy, cheap earrings I don’t care about in case I lose one, or both. You don’t wear earrings you care about on the beach.

    • Nic

      Pretty much all of my earrings are cheap, so I have the luxury of wearing whatever earrings I fancy that day to the beach. (Though I’d still take them out and stick them in a handbag pocket if I was doing anything more strenuous than paddling in the shallows!)

  • KashyaCharsi

    YOU lost it, YOU find it, sound energy won’t work.

  • Missy Lamb

    Remind her that the park is not responsible for any lost property? Most places like that have a bunch of signs saying so.

  • Denton Young

    Yeah, that went over REAL well I’m sure, complaining that the lifeguard actually wanted to spend time SAVING LIVES instead of looking for a stupid earring. I hope they laughed in her face and then banned her.

    • Vyrmis

      … banned her from the food stand?

      • Denton Young

        From the entire beach.

  • Vyrmis

    “The lady stared at me, wide-eyed, before she started making a noise like a steaming teapot. Her shrieky whistle rose up to a full scream, and she just stood there, screaming at me for moment, before she spun around and stomped away, still screaming.”

    I would have to liked to have seen this.

    • AgnesRegina

      Seriously… Is she two?

      Nah, strike that, a two-year-old would be more mature.

  • Bel-Shamharoth

    Yes, the LIFE-GUARD’s job is to find your earring, and how dare the LIFE-GUARD remain in a position to GUARD people’s LIVES.

    I get the feeling that lifeguards ostensibly have to actually save people so infrequently that people forget what their actual job is and assume they are some kind of police force.

  • jokergirl129

    Finding a small stud earring in the ocean would be like looking for a needle in a hay stack. Only in this case it would be impossible since the waves would no doubt carry the stud further in the ocean.

    Lady while it sucks that you lost one of your earrings the life guard has more important things to do than to embark on an impossible search for a stud earring.

  • Mike Agney

    I found out from a friend that works in a food stand nearby that she came up to the stand to try to file a complaint against me.

    “A complaint? Why sure, here’s the form. Thank you, we’ll be sure *begins tearing up form* to give your complaint the due care and attention it deserves.”
    *blink* “Tearing your complaint form up, ma’am.”
    “Well, perhaps not quite…”
    “…but the form’s too rough to use as toilet paper.”

  • Blake Barrett

    If your earring didn’t have the Heart of Te Fiti fitted on it, I guarantee the ocean won’t give it back.

  • bahknee

    This sounds like someone who has never been told no in her life.

  • Michael Bugg

    “The lady stared at me, wide-eyed, before she started making a noise like a steaming teapot. Her shrieky whistle rose up to a full scream . . .”

    This is the best description of someone having a childish fit ever.

  • Kevin Kennedy

    Take ALL Jewelry off, (except maybe wedding ring, unless it’s loose) when swimming