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An Odd Train Of Thought

| TX, USA | Romantic | December 10, 2013

(I’m playing a fantasy card game with my roommate late at night. My girlfriend has gone to bed in my room. It is rather late. It has been several hours since we’ve heard anything from my room, when we hear a strange noise.)

Me: *opening door* “Hey, sweetie. You okay in there?”

Girlfriend “WHOOOO WHOOOO!”

(I give my roommate a funny look, and then look back into the room.)

Me: “Uh… what?”

Girlfriend: “WHOOOO WHOOOO! I’M A TRAIN!”

Roommate: “Okay. That’s weird.”

Me: “Oh? Good… I’ve gotten so used to stuff like this, that I couldn’t decide if it was or not.”

Arabian Plights

| IL, USA | Learning | December 10, 2013

(It is just post-9/11. Anti-Islamic feelings are running high at our predominantly white, large town. It gets so bad that many parents start to complain to the school district that the schools should not teach anything related to Islamic culture. An angry parent starts protesting at a school board meeting.)

Angry Parent: “As a parent, I am worried that if our children learn about anything that deals with Muslims, they will become terrorists themselves!”

(A few parents murmur into agreement. Another angry parent stands up.)

Other Angry Parent: “Besides death and destruction, what did the those [ethnic slurs] ever contribute to the world!?”

(The head of the school board tries to calm down the crowd. Then one of our math teachers calmly grabs the microphone.)

Math Teacher: “So, you want us to teach your kids long division in roman numerals?”

Angry Parents: “Huh?”

Math Teacher: “It is the Arabic nation that first created the concept of numerals that we use today. If we take out all the contributions that the Arabic nation created– well, we will have to take that out, as well as algebra, geometry, and trigonometry.”

(The history teacher is the next to stand.)

History Teacher: “Or classic literature and Aristotle. It was the Islamic nation that preserved Aristotle’s works, and much of the classic literature and thinking.”

English Teacher: “And if we’re still going to take away their contributions, we might as well get rid of paper. The Islamic nation is the reason why we have paper.”

(After that, none of the parents spoke out about not teaching us Islamic culture and its contributions. Thank you so much for those teachers speaking up!)

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Double Spaced Out On Christmas

| England, UK | Learning | December 10, 2013

(We have an essay due soon. Two of our teachers are explaining the importance of double-spacing the text.)

Teacher #1: “Imagine this: It’s Christmas Day, and we go to mark your essay.”

Teacher #2: “True story. We actually have to do that. You get holidays, we get essays!”

Teacher #1: “Exactly. So we go to mark your essay. The first thing that we see, when we look at the page, is that it isn’t double-spaced. That would ruin our entire Christmas!”

Teacher #2: “We would be an emotional wreck all day. We wouldn’t even be able to cook Christmas dinner for our families.”

Teacher #1: “And then we would have to content ourselves with a disgusting mince pie.”

Teacher #2: “And it would all be your fault!”

(Needless to say, we will all be double-spacing our essays from now on.)

If Only He Could Hear Himself

| USA | Learning | December 10, 2013

(I am in my second week at my job as a research assistant on campus. Already, I have the reputation of being sociable and talkative. One day I wake up with absolutely no voice. Since I have no other symptoms of being sick, I show up to work anyway.)

Boss: “Why is it so quiet in here?”

Coworker: “[My Name] lost her voice, so she’s not talking like she usually does.”

Boss: *dropping his voice down to a whisper* “Okay. I guess we’ll all speak softly, for your sake.”

Coworker: “[Boss], she can’t speak. Her hearing hasn’t changed!”

Boss: “Um… right. Well, we can… Let’s stick to email today, shall we?”

Coworker: “Seriously? How did you get your Ph.D.?”

Boss: “This is why I have you two as research assistants: so you can do the thinking for me!”

In Line And Out Of Line, Part 2

| USA | Right | December 9, 2013

(I’m standing in line at a Black Friday sale, waiting to check out my purchases. We’ve been standing about 45 minutes as the lines are very, VERY long. There is a man all by himself, with no cart and no purchases, standing two customers in front of me. All of a sudden his wife pulls two carts over, with their daughter pushing another one. All three carts are filled completely. They push through the line and get in with him. One of the customers in the line speaks up.)

Customer #1: “Hey! You can’t just cut in line like that. We’ve been waiting an hour. Get to the back!”

Cutting Customer: “F*** you! It’s not my fault you don’t know how to shop. Mind your own f****** business!”

Me: “Excuse me. Would you mind watching your language? I don’t want my son to hear that.”

Cutting Customer: “You can kiss my a**, b****! That little p**** is going to learn it one way or the other. He’s an ugly little SOB with that hair cut, anyway!”

My Son: “I’m growing my hair to donate to kids with cancer, like my best friend!”

(The cutting customer’s daughter decides to speak up.)

Cutting Customer’s Daughter: “Your little f** friend should just die. Why do they give them treatments for that s*** anyway? I hope he dies, you little a**-wipe.”

(My four-year-old son starts crying, asking me if his friend is going to die. I try to calm him down. Meanwhile, my friend gets the manager of the store.)

Manager: “Ma’am, this woman just told me what you said to her son and that you cut in line. I’m going to ask you once to please move to the back of the line; otherwise, you’ll need to leave the store.”

Cutting Customer: “Now, you look here! You can’t make us move. We’re buying more than $1000 worth of stuff here! And that b**** and her snot nosed kid got what they deserved.”

(The manager gets on his walkie-talkie and has security escort them out. Upon the managers and several customers suggestions, we file verbal harassment charges on the customers who cut in. The manager made a donation for $500 to the charity that my son’s friend had out in my son’s name. We cut his hair three months later, donating 18 inches, which they made into a wig. His friend made a full recovery, by the way. They both donate their hair about every five years.)

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In Line And Out Of Line

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