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Loved You Since The Day I Met You

| Romantic | December 5, 2013

(My grandmother has Alzheimer’s. She often thinks she is unmarried and only in her 20s. When told otherwise, she usually responds in very humorous or sweet fashions.)

Grandma: “He was the handsomest man!”

Aunt: “[Grandpa] was?”

Grandma: “Oh, yes! All the girls wanted to dance with him when he was home on leave.”

Aunt: “You too, huh?”

Grandma: “Me, especially!”

Aunt: “[Grandpa], did you hear that?”

Grandma: “Who’re you talking to?”

Aunt: “Your husband!”

Grandma: “[Grandpa]?”

Aunt: “Yeah! Your husband!”

Grandma: *scoffing* “I wish!”

Aunt: “Well, go in the next room and see, if you don’t believe me. He’s watching the ball game.”

Grandma: “[Grandpa]?”

Grandpa: “Yeah? Whad’ya want?”

(Grandma then rushes into the other room and throws herself into his lap for a kiss. She was so happy she couldn’t stop laughing and neither could the rest of us.)


This story is part of our Gorgeous Grandmas roundup!

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Skip To The Climax

, | Learning | December 5, 2013

(My high school band director knows me pretty well, and knows that I take German as a foreign language. In one class, he hands me some sheet music from a German piece. The German word “Vorspiel” is at the top.)

Band Director: “[My Name], you take German, don’t you? What does ‘Vorspiel’ mean?”

(Before totally thinking it through, I translate it literally and announce to him and my classmates at the top of my voice.)

Me: “It means ‘foreplay!'”

Band Director: “Uh…”

Me: *mortified* “I mean… uh… ‘OVERTURE’! It means ‘overture’!”

Class: *laughs hysterically*

Generation Genderalization

| Related | December 5, 2013

(I’m spending the day with my grandmother at her house. We’re talking about LGBTQ related topics, since I’d just come out to her as bisexual. I have just finished telling a story about a female-to-male transgender friend, who is being told by his mother that he isn’t transgendered, but just a lesbian.)

Grandma: “Well, that’s poor boy’s mother’s so full of s***! And how come a girl can like sports, but the second a guy wants to bake he’s suddenly a f****** f*****!?”

(My grandmother proceeds to rant for a good ten minutes, pretty much expressing all the same views that I have about LGBTQ and acceptance/equality.)

Me: “This is why you’re my favorite.”

Grandma: “Oh honey, I know.”


This story is part of our Gorgeous Grandmas roundup!

Read the next Gorgeous Grandma story!

Read the Gorgeous Grandma roundup!

High Five Low Point

| Right | December 5, 2013

(A customer has come in to pick up some parts they ordered. They provided part numbers and quantities. He is looking through the items. The manufacturer sells some of their small parts in package quantities only, and we always let customers know when they have to buy a whole package.)

Customer: “These five are individually packaged?”

Me: “Yes. You ordered five.”

Customer: “No. It’s supposed to be a pack of five.”

Me: “So you needed twenty-five?”

Customer: “I only need one, but they’re supposed to be $2 for a pack of five.”

Me: “Well, since we can buy them individually, we sell them individually. They’re $2 each.”

Customer: “But I don’t want five. I only need one. I only want to buy one if they’re individually packaged.”

Me: “That’s fine.”

(I take the others back and finish up the transaction. The customer intently looks over the receipt after I give it to him.)

Customer: *in a mildly upset voice* “You charged me shipping and handling.”

Me: “Yes. You ordered things we don’t keep in stock and we were charged to have them shipped in for you.”

Customer: “Look, I don’t want to be that a**-hole customer and stand here and argue like a jack-a**. I just want to have a conversation.”

Me: “Ok.”

(I wait for him to keep talking.)

Customer: “I just want to have a conversation.”

Me: “Ok.”

(Again, I wait for him to keep talking.)

Customer: “Instead of getting all upset.”

Me: “Ok.”

(I still wait for him to keep talking.)

Customer: “You charged me shipping and handling for something I didn’t even want. The one part was supposed to be $2 for a whole pack.”

Me: “Well, you called me with the part numbers you wanted. Right?”

Customer: “Yeah…”

Me: “And you also told me the amount of each you wanted. Right?”

Customer: “Yeah…”

Me: “The pricing and availability on what you wanted was looked up before they were ordered. You were told the pricing, on each, and package quantities. I told you what the prices would be plus tax and shipping. We don’t know the exact shipping amount until the items arrive. I gave you the option of paying more for shipping to get them here faster, which you declined, because you said you weren’t in a hurry.”

Customer: “I wasn’t told there would be shipping. The guy I talked to didn’t say anything about it. Nobody said anything about additional shipping and handling.”

Me: “You talked to me. When I gave you the prices I told you they would be plus tax AND shipping. You told me to go ahead with the order using the slower, cheaper, shipping option. I was also able to combine your order with an order of parts we normally stock, so you were only charged for part of the total shipping.”

Customer: “Uh, oh, well… um. Thanks for having a conversation with me.”

(The customer takes a couple of steps away, then suddenly switches to a perturbed huff.)

Customer: “I’m going to keep the extra shipping charges in mind the next time I need to find someplace to order parts.”

Me: “You do that, and I’ll be keeping in mind your reluctance to pay for what you ordered and the shipping you approved.”

Not Making A Valid Pointe, Part 2

| Working | December 5, 2013

(I am at my local gym when I see a sign-up for children to have free activities over the Christmas holidays. These include hockey, soccer and ballet. I sign my daughter up and the next day I get a package from the gym with a gymnastics costume in. When I get back to the gym I go to the sign-up stall.)

Me: “Excuse me. When I signed my daughter up yesterday, I signed her up for hockey. I got a gymnastics outfit.”

Clerk: “Yeah. We got overloaded with names for hockey so I put her in gymnastics.”

Me: “Why wasn’t I contacted?”

Clerk: “Guess we forgot.”

Me: “Well, can I pull my daughter out if you’re overloaded.”

Clerk: *angry* “Christ! You women are so picky! That’s the THIRD time today I’ve had to withdraw a child from an activity! You b****** are just so ungrateful! We’re doing this for free, you know, where other places would CHARGE. You lot are just ungrateful.”

(I also see my daughter’s friend’s mother there. Turns out, she had signed up her daughter for soccer and got a ballet outfit and was told the same thing. We complained to the manager after we finished our session.)

Me: “Excuse me. I have a complaint. Your employee at the stall downstairs said that the hockey Christmas activity was full and put my daughter in another group. Then he swore at me when I withdrew her.”

Manager: “Funny, the hockey group isn’t over-running. In fact, it’s a ratio of one adult to three children. Only 11 children are signed up and we have three adults willing to take part. In fact, the ballet and gymnastics have 17 girls and I think three girls have been pulled out. Come to think of it, at least HALF of these girls were signed up for other sports!”

(The manager storms out of the office and we follow him to the clerk, who is putting papers away.)

Clerk: “Oh, hi, [Manager]. I needed to talk to you about—”

Manager: “Why have you signed up ALL the girls for ballet and gymnastics when some signed up for the other activities?”

Clerk: “Because if girls play aggressive sports, they look ugly. They need to learn their place. Anyway, I need to talk to you about this woman who is threatening to sue us.”

Manager: “F*** it! [Clerk], I want to know why you did this. Women have lives OUTSIDE the home!”

Clerk: “Yeah. But these little b*****s gotta learn they have to use these moves to impress a guy.”

Manager: “You are not only FIRED, but I will tell that woman I presume you insulted that she won’t NEED to sue because we’ll get her daughter in her chosen sport.”

(I find out the mother is another mom of my daughter’s friends. When I see her in the parking lot, she and her daughter look distressed and she is crying. Turns out the clerk had called her a ‘f****** b****’ and told her she ‘better stay inside the home or he’d hit her stupid.’ The clerk was fired. When I next heard about him, I was told he had a sexual assault charge on a woman just down from my children’s elementary.)