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A Total Air-Head

| CA, USA | Working | December 11, 2013

(I am checking out, and my cashier puts my kale on the scanner and proceeds to smash the air out of the bag with her hand.)

Me: “Why are you—”

Cashier: “Well, you don’t want to pay more than you have to!”

In Need Of Appointing A New Coworker

| CA, USA | Working | December 11, 2013

(I work at a healthcare call center that does appointments for doctors. One of my coworkers is notorious, as the patients she deals with tend to have a lot of scheduling errors. She always insists that the patient or doctor screwed up. I have been recently promoted to a supervisor. One of my jobs is listening to a recording of one of her calls that got flagged.)

Coworker: “Hello, ma’am. What can I do for you?”

Patient: “I remember you. I called you yesterday to cancel a hip surgery that I never scheduled with Dr [Name].”

Coworker: “Well, that can’t be. I see your appointment right here. Are you sure you didn’t leave a message at the doctor’s office by mistake?”

Patient: *annoyed* “NO. I spoke to YOU directly. You swore that you would fix the doctor’s mistake. In fact, it was the third time I called to cancel the appointment and you were the one I talked to all three times. Now, can you please transfer me to someone who can fix this?”

Coworker: *very nasty* “Listen up, you old bat. Just admit you had a bout of dementia and called the wrong place. I’m not going to sit here and listen to a bunch of stupid accusations.”

(My coworker hangs up, which we’re specifically instructed not to do unless the patient is belligerent and incredibly rude. Curious, I call the patient and she is able to provide me the dates and hours she called previously. I am able to find recordings of the previous calls. They all have my coworker promising the patient that everything would be taken care of and she had nothing to worry about since it was the doctor’s mistake. Luckily, part of my promotion meant I could report her directly to management. She was fired within a week when it was discovered this was hardly the first case!)

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Spoon Fed Favorites

| USA | Related | December 11, 2013

(I am 12 years old. My grandma is making cookies and I am helping.)

Me: “Grandma, can I lick the spoon?”

Grandma: “Oh, no! You could get really sick from that!”

(I nod. She continues to tell me all about how I could get sick. Another cousin walks in.)

Cousin: “Grandma, can I lick the spoon?”

Grandma: “Yeah. Go ahead.”

(Grandma hands him the bowl. I’m still not sure if she loves me more and didn’t want me to get sick, or was saving it for my cousin.)

I Know Everyone In Relation To Me

| MD, USA | Related | December 11, 2013

(I’m at a girls cabin at a teen retreat camp. I’ve just finished unpacking my stuff after a 25-hour drive with 8 buses. I look across the room to the bunk bed parallel to mine and see someone I think might be my cousin.)

Me: “Is your name Porter?”

Girl: “Yeah. Aren’t you my third cousin?”

Me: “Yeah, I thought so. Just making sure! Hi, cousin. Nice to meet you!”

Girl: “Nice to finally meet you!”

(My friend has been listening to this. She looks amazed because this has happened right after unloading the buses, when I was continuously giving people hugs and telling them hello.)

Me: “Allow me to explain. My dad is one of 13 children, so I have a big family. Ten cousins that I know of are on the trip with us.”

Friend: “Are you related to everybody!?”

Me: *laughing* “Just about!”

(Later that night, one of the chaperones approaches my friend and me.)

Chaperone: “Are you two sisters or related or something? Because y’all look like twins!”

Friend: “Not yet!”

(My friend drops to one knee in front of me.)

Friend: “Will you marry me?”

(We all laugh. After we finally calm down again, she turns to me.)

Friend: “I think your brother is very cute though; so, maybe one day we will be related!”

Not An Integral Part Of Calculus

| OH, USA | Related | December 11, 2013

(My younger sister decides to have a spur-of-the-moment movie night, but doesn’t want to stay up too late.)

Sister: “[Film #1] is three hours, but [Film #2] is only two-and-a-half.”

Me: *looking at [Film B]’s box* “No. It says 144 minutes. That’s not even two hours.”

Sister: “Um. Sixty plus sixty plus twenty-four…”

Me: “Oh. Duh.”

(My parents have overheard.)

Mom: “Weren’t you in a math class last semester?”

Me: *overdramatic*Calculus, Mother! We didn’t learn addition!”

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