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H2Slow, Part 5

| Pickering, ON, Canada | Learning | December 12, 2013

(My brother is a smart kid. He is also a bit of a joker. He’s talking to one of the kids at his school.)

Brother: “You shouldn’t drink from the fountains here. I heard they found high levels of dihydrogen monoxide in the water.”

Student: “So that’s why the water tastes funny…”

Related:
From NotAlwaysRight
H2Slow, Part 4
H2Slow, Part 3
H2Slow, Part 2
H2Slow

Snakes Like To Vegetate After A Meal

| Gladstone, MO, USA | Right | December 11, 2013

(I have several exotic pets. I buy feeder mice and fish for my snakes and turtles once per week. Two other customers come in with their little poodles.)

Customer #1: “We need to get new collars and leashes for our girls. These are getting dirty.”

Customer #2: “They must have rhinestones on them, and be pink or purple.”

Employee #1: *points* “They are right there, ladies. Let me know if you need help reaching the ones on the top.”

Customer #1: “I’m not going over there! You have nasty lizards over there! No, you just bring all the little pink ones over here and we’ll look at them.”

Employee #2: “You want her to carry over probably 40 leashes and collars when you could just go look at them yourself?”

Customer #2: “Are you deaf!? We aren’t going anywhere near there with our babies Those nasty lizards might eat them.”

(The ‘lizard’ they are talking about is in fact a 14 ft Burmese python, which is about 20 ft away from that wall in a large glass tank.)

Employee #1: “I’m sorry, ma’am. I need to stay at the register and the other employee is putting up our new order of fish. You’ll have to pick out the one you want.”

(In a huff, Customer #1 leaves her dog with her friend and goes over and pulls off 10-15 leashes, knocking probably 30 more onto the floor. She throws them all on the counter before rifling through them. They then spend the next 30 minutes trying every single one on BOTH dogs before deciding on the ones they like. They leave the extras lying on the counter. Then they get in line behind another woman with a small plastic animal box with mice in it.)

Customer #2: “Ew, who would want a mouse for a pet! That’s so nasty!”

Employee: “While we do sell mice for pets, these are feeder mice, miss.”

Customer #1: “What the h*** does that mean? Feeder? What is she feeding them?”

Customer #3: “No, I’m not feeding them anything. I’m feeding them to my snake when I get home.”

Customer #2: “You’re so cruel! How can you do that! Why would you keep a nasty snake for a pet and then feed it mice!? Why don’t you let the thing go, or feed it pellets or something? They have all kinds of pellets over there!”

Employee #2: “Snakes don’t usually eat pellet food. Some eat sausage made from ground up meat, but those pellets are mostly plant matter.”

Customer #1: “So feed them that. Why can’t they eat vegetables?”

Customer #2: “Yeah. They should be vegetarians like our puppies here. They only eat [Brand] kibble.”

Me: “Er… you know [Brand] dog food has meat in it, right? I mean, it’s probably got more meat in it than a lot of other dog foods.”

Customer #1: “NO. It does NOT have meat in it! We only buy the kind that has venison in it!”

Employee #2: “Venison is meat, ma’am. It’s made from deer.”

Customer #2: “You’re so stupid. It’s not deer; it’s venison. All vegetable dog food!”

Employee #1: “Okay. Well, I’ll just ring up those collars for you.”

Customer #2: “So you need to get a vegetarian diet for those snakes or just let them go. Killing mice for them is just wrong.”

Me: “Snakes are not herbivores. They eat meat. They have to. Meat, bugs, eggs, you know, protein. You can’t just throw a carrot in there and expect them to eat it.”

Customer #1: “I never said they were dinosaurs! I know that they’ve only been around like 300 years or something. Like, when President Lincoln was around they discovered them. But it doesn’t matter. They shouldn’t eat meat. You need to fix that. And this store should not allow people to buy them for food. I’m going to start a petition!”

Me: “Who in the h*** are you going to petition to make snakes vegetarians? God?!”

(Customer #2 gasps and clings her dog to her, covering HER DOG’S ears.)

Customer #2: “Oh, you are going straight to Hell for talking like that. I can’t even be in here.”

(Customer #2 gestures to her poodle.)

Customer #2: “Come on, Porsche!”

Customer #1: “We’re going straight to the health department for this and making sure everyone knows you’re satanic devil worshipers!”

(They both storm out, leaving the leashes.)

Me: “Well, that was a wonderful way to start out a Monday. Let me know if the health department shuts you down for being satanic devil worshipers who feed mice to vegetarian snakes.”

Employee #2: “Yep! I’ll give you a call about it!”

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Three Is A Magic Number

| Louisville, OH, USA | Right | December 11, 2013

(We have a coworker who keeps getting obscene, prank calls. One day I answer the phone.)

Me: “Thank you for calling [store]. How may I help you?”

Caller: *muttering* “You can f*** me.”

Me: “I’m sorry. Could you please repeat that?”

Caller: “I said, you can F*** ME!”

Me: “I’m sorry. I can’t do that over the phone. You’ll have to come into the store. Or perhaps you’d like to involve my husband for a threesome?”

Caller: *hangs up*

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Needs To Work On His Socialist Skills, Part 3

| Twin Cities, MN, USA | Right | December 11, 2013

(I am a cashier at a dollar store. Lately, we’ve been collecting school supplies for a charity that donates them to military families. As such, we have to ask customers if they would like to purchase an item for this charity.)

Me: “Would you also be interested in purchasing an item for [Charity] today?”

Man: “What is that? Some sort of communist youth organization?”

Me: *dumbfounded* “Uhm, no, sir. It donates school supplies to military families with children.”

Man: “Well, same thing right?”

(I stand there for a few seconds, just silently blinking and staring at him.)

Me: “…no, sir. Not even close.”

Related:
Needs To Work On His Socialist Skills, Part 2
Needs To Work On His Socialist Skills

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Getting Chesty

| Wyoming, MI, USA | Right | December 11, 2013

(I work in a local chain tobacco store. I am in my 40s. A very young looking man comes in my store with a small child.)

Customer: “Can I get a pack of [Brand] cigarettes?”

Me: “Can I see your ID?

Customer: “I left my wallet at home.

Me: “I’m sorry, but the law requires I ask for a valid picture ID. No ID means no sale.”

Customer: *testy* “I have a four-year-old kid! I think that proves I am old enough to buy cigs!”

Me: “Even kids too young to smoke can make a baby.”

Customer: *literally rips his shirt open* “For Christ’s sake I HAVE CHEST HAIR!”

Me: “Yup. You have about a dozen of them. Congrats.”

(The customer takes the child’s hand and storms out, cussing and complaining about me being rude.)

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