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About To Enter Space Dock

| Austria | Romantic | December 12, 2013

(My boyfriend and I are lying in bed. We’re watching an episode of ‘Star Trek’ in which Scotty plays a significant role. My hand is unintentionally placed near my boyfriend’s lap.)

Me: “Beam me up, Scotty!”

Boyfriend: *looking at my hand* “You know, you could beam something up, too…”

Me: “Um. Seriously?”

Boyfriend: “Make it so!”

With Great Bacon, Comes Great Responsibility, Part 11

| GA, USA | Romantic | December 12, 2013

(I’m a freelance graphic designer in addition to my day job. I have just finished a long and very, very frustrating project in addition to my already busy work days.)

Fiancé: “From now on, I’m screening your freelance projects.”

Me: “Oh?”

Fiancé: “Yup. I’m going to measure them by ‘how much sex am I going to lose’ over this project?'”

Me: “What you should do is make an algorithm that estimates how many bacon cheeseburgers I would be able to afford from the project, and compare it to how much sex you would lose. Then you can decide if the bacon cheeseburgers outweigh the lost sex.”

Fiancé: “See, this is why I love you. You get me.”

Related
With Great Bacon, Comes Great Responsibility, Part 10
With Great Bacon, Comes Great Responsibility, Part 9
With Great Bacon, Comes Great Responsibility, Part 8
With Great Bacon, Comes Great Responsibility, Part 7
With Great Bacon, Comes Great Responsibility, Part 6
With Great Bacon, Comes Great Responsibility, Part 5
With Great Bacon, Comes Great Responsibility, Part 4
With Great Bacon, Comes Great Responsibility, Part 3
With Great Bacon, Comes Great Responsibility, Part 2
With Great Bacon, Comes Great Responsibility

Better Than Being With An Airbag, Part 2

| TX, USA | Romantic | December 12, 2013

(My boyfriend and I are lounging on the couch in my living room. I decide to try something I read on Not Always Romantic to change or avoid the conversation.)

Boyfriend: “What do you want for Christmas?”

Me: “Socks.”

(I immediately latch onto my boyfriend.)

Me: “I’m a seatbelt. You can thank me later for saving your life.”

Boyfriend: *lurches violently forward* “That was a pretty forceful crash. I don’t think even a seatbelt can save me now.”

(My boyfriend tries to roll off the couch, but I squeeze tighter.)

Me: “Seatbelts are incredibly well made nowadays.”

Boyfriend: “The crash sent the couch rolling into a lake. Now it’s rapidly filling with water! The seatbelt is preventing me from escaping!”

Me: “Seatbelt performs its duty no matter the circumstances.”

Boyfriend: “But I’m going to drown now.”

(He makes gurgling noises. He closes his eyes and goes limp.)

Me: “Job well done, seatbelt.”

Boyfriend: “It’s my dying wish to know what you want for Christmas.”

Me: *covering his face with my hand* “Shh. Hush now, dead person. The ambulance will be here soon to take you to the morgue…”

Related:
Better Than Being With An Airbag

How To Rattle Your Teacher

| MD, USA | Learning | December 12, 2013

(A group of us are renting out a nature center to do an unrelated overnight retreat. It is the morning and we are eating breakfast. The wildlife experts start coming in, bringing some animals with them.)

Snake Owner: “Hey. This snake isn’t poisonous. Any of you want to hold it?”

Me: “Ooh! I do! I do!”

Snake Owner: “Cool. I need to run back to my car. Just hold on to it for a sec, will you?”

(The snake owner runs off to his car. In the meantime, the snake is slithering around in my hoodie, and eventually nestles in the hood. The teacher in charge of the retreat walks in.)

Teacher: “Hey, [My Name]. We need you to—”

(The snake rears up suddenly.)

Teacher: “AHHH! Oh, my god. Don’t move! There’s a snake in your sweater!”

(I decide to make the best of it. I turn to look at my classmate.)

Me: “No! No! My lord! You promised if I retrieved the Horcrux, I could go free! Please!”

Classmate: *completely seriously* “Lord Voldemort has no mercy on Mudbloods. Nagini, STRIKE!”

Me: “Noooooooo!”

(I fall over as dramatically as possible without hurting the snake. The wildlife man comes back in to find me on the floor, the teacher screaming, and my classmates dying of laughter.)

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They Can Butt In Just This Once

| Poulsbo, WA, USA | Learning | December 12, 2013

(I’m in art history. We’re doing a unit on art in architecture.)

Professor: “And those there are… Okay. I’m gonna say it once. I want you all to get it out of your system right now, because after today I won’t tolerate laughter.”

(The class is silent in anticipation.)

Professor: “These are… flying buttresses.”

(Everyone bursts out laughing. The professor just calmly stands there waiting. Finally, we’ve all calmed down and stopped laughing.)

Professor: “I’ve been teaching this course for 10 years. Every single time the class laughs at ‘flying buttresses.’ After a while I’ve learned to just let you all get one big laugh out before I proceed with the lesson.”

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