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A Couple Of Things Wrong With That Assumption

| San Francisco, CA, USA | Related | December 12, 2013

(I am with my older brother, visiting my dad. I am male. We are taking a walk downtown and we decide to stop by a coffee shop for some sweets. We are very close and always have been. We tend to touch and lean into each other’s personal space a lot.)

Older Brother: “I think I’m gonna get the caramel latte. What do you want?”

Me: “I don’t know. Let me look.”

(My older brother decides to tease me by covering my eyes with his hands and draping himself over my back.)

Me: “Hey! Stop that! I can’t see the menu!”

Older Brother: “What, honey? What did you say? I can’t hear you!”

(My older brother continues to tease me while the barista and nearby customers laugh at us.)

Me: “You know what? You’re ordering for me, and you’re paying!”

Older Brother: “Fine. You can get the blueberry pie and a chocolate chip cookie.”

(We find a seat near the window as we wait for our food to come. My brother sits next to me and we play games on his phone. The food comes and we notice that the barista gave us an extra muffin. We call her back to explain it to her.)

Older Brother: “We didn’t order the muffin. I think you’ve made a mistake.”

Barista: “Oh, don’t worry about that. That’s on the house because you guys are so cute. It’s so rare to see couples so in love these days.”

Me: “Huh? What?”

Older Brother: “OH MY GOD. YOU THOUGHT WE WERE A COUPLE?!”

(My brother starts to pull out his phone.)

Me: “WE’RE BROTHERS!” *notices brother* “Wait. ARE YOU TEXTING DAD ABOUT THIS?!”

(We all laugh. The waitress lets us keep the free muffin. My brother and I fed each other the muffin like a couple would, and tipped her $20.)

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See-Through Curfew

| KS, USA | Related | December 12, 2013

(I am 12 years old and female. My best friend is a 13-year-old male. I am at his house and am supposed to be home by 10 o’clock.)

Friend’s Mom: “Son, time for bed! Shut off the game.”

Friend: “Why?”

Friend’s Mom: “It’s 2 am!”

(I get up and silently walk into the living room from his room.)

Friend’s Mom: “Whoa, [My Name]. You’re still here?”

Me: *rubs head* “We lost track of time. See ya later!”

(I leave and go home, which is just across the street. I find that everyone is asleep, and didn’t even realize that I missed my curfew… by four hours.)

Forever Young

| USA | Related | December 12, 2013

(My grandmother has Alzheimer’s disease. My uncle’s wife helps to take care of her while my grandfather is ill. My aunt is in her 40s. My grandma is in her 70s, but often believes herself to be in her 20s still.)

Aunt: “Alright, [Grandma’s name]. Time for your shower! Let’s go.”

Gran: “Oh, alright. I don’t know why you want me to shower in the middle of the day, but if it’ll stop you from nagging…”

Aunt: “It’s only eight! What do you mean the middle of the day?”

Gran:I’ve been up for hours. Eight is the middle of the day.”

(They go into the bathroom together, bantering away. My grandma just stares at my aunt for several moments without doing or saying anything.)

Aunt: “What’s the matter? Do you need help getting undressed?”

Gran: “No, but I want my privacy!”

Aunt: “You know I can’t do that; not since you slipped.”

Gran: “Oh, fine. But turn away.”

Aunt: “You’re shy now? Wait’ll I tell Pop!”

Gran: “It’s just that– Well. I’m getting a little fat, is all. I don’t want you to see how awful my tummy is now.”

Aunt: “You’ve got nothing on me!”

(My aunt lifts her shirt to reveal her stomach.)

Aunt: “Look at that!”

Gran: “Yes, but that’s because you’re old and have kids already. I don’t have any such excuse.”

Santa Knows Who The Bad Apples Are

| AB, Canada | Related | December 12, 2013

(I notice my laptop is reaching a scorching hot level the more I pull up documents and presentation sources for my undergraduate research paper. I text my mom with a request.)

Me: “Can I add a laptop cooling pad to my Christmas list?”

Mom: “Does Santa know what they are?”

Me: “I’m sure his tech center knows.”

Mom: “They are not something he uses when asking the kids what they want. His lap must get very hot.”

Me: “That’s because he’s switched to an iPad for road work!”

Mom: “Oh, iElf!”

Just Don’t Get Married In Boring, Maryland

| USA | Romantic | December 12, 2013

(My boyfriend and I have been discussing marriage. We have decided we would like to get married on Halloween. The state we live in happens to have a city genuinely called Hell. I text him excitedly.)

Me: “So, since we’re getting married on Halloween, do you want to get married in Hell?”

Boyfriend: “Haha! Sure!”

Me: “Yes! Whoo hoo! We’re dark! Just so you know, I would also marry you on Valentine’s Day in Loveland. Or any day. In any city.”

Boyfriend: “Easter on Easter Island? Christmas on Christmas Island? Columbus Day in Columbus, Ohio?”

Me: “Canada Day in Canada, even! Boxing Day in a Boxing ring! Wearing nothing but socks. Decorations only clocks. My maid of honor would be a fox! And instead of rings, we’d exchange keys to locks!”

Boyfriend: “Badabing!”

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