(I am teaching a class of third-graders about tornadoes. I show a picture I took when I went on a tornado chase in college. One of the students raises her hand.)

Student: “Mr. [Name], when you went tornado chasing, did you die?”

(Most of the class starts laughing.)

Me: “[Student’s Name], come up here.”

(The student walks up and stands in front of me.)

Me: “Now put your hands here.”

(The student puts her hands on my stomach and starts patting my belly.)

Me: “Do I feel like a ghost to you?”

Student: “Umm… no?”

Me: “Didn’t think so. Now go sit back down. Thank you.”

(My sister and I work in a bakery owned by our family; our grandma is the owner.)

Customer: “Hi. I’m the owner’s daughter. So, I can get my food for free, okay?”

Me: “Okay. I’ll call your mother in, okay?”

(The customer nervously nods. I call in my grandma.)

Grandma: “What is it?”

Me: “Oh, this customer says you’re her mum.”

(My grandma looks at the customer.)

Grandma: “I have never seen you in my life. Also, you look about twenty. So you could pass as my granddaughter, but not as my daughter!”

(The customer ran out quickly!)

(Our company buys and leases houses. Although we try to keep tenants left over from the previous owners, we sometimes have to evict them, for which we offer compensation.)

Accountant: “Hey, [Name]. I have the check here for Messiah.”

Manager: “What?”

Accountant: “I have the check… for Messiah?”

Manager: “You mean Mesia? As in the name of street?”

Accountant: “What did I say?”

Manager: “You said Messiah… as in, the Lord descending from above to come to earth.”

Accountant: “Well, we’re kicking him out.”

(I have taken my van in to rotate the tires, but I also need my other wheels inflated.)

Me: “Excuse me sir, but could you—”

Employee: “Just pull it in and we’ll take care of it.”

Me: “But, sir. I need to get—”

Employee: “Just pull it in the bay and we’ll get you all fixed up.”

Me: “Sir, I just need some air—”

Employee: “Just pull it up on the rack!”

Me: “FINE!”

(I roll my little sport wheelchair up on the rack, cross my arms, and wait for him to notice. It doesn’t take long for other employees to notice and burst out laughing. The laughter makes the first employee pay attention and turn around. The look on his face is priceless! My wheelchair uses bicycle tires, which they inflate for me. They are very nice folks who will now let a customer finish a sentence!)

(My husband and I have just seen a commercial in which a woman is married to the sun.)

Me: “I don’t think I could be married to the sun.”

Husband: “But he’s so HOT!”

Me: “Yeah, but he probably thinks the world revolves around him.”