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They Hit Pay Hurt

| USA | Working | December 12, 2013

(I receive a lot of telemarketer calls during the day.)

Telemarketer: “Hi! I’m collecting donations for [Local Police Charity].”

Me: “I’d like to help, but I really don’t have anything to spare.”

(The telemarketer starts more aggressively trying to solicit a donation.)

Me: “Look. I’m a private in the Army and—”

Telemarketer: “Oh! Then you should be happy to help out your brothers in uniform!”

Me: “Okay, look. Have you ever been kicked in the crotch?”

Telemarketer: “W…what?”

Me: “It’s a serious question. Have you?”

Telemarketer: “Yes…”

Me: “Okay. Do you remember the pain? The nausea? The humiliation?”

Telemarketer: “Yes?”

Me: “Good. Now convert those feelings into dollars and cents. That’s what I get paid every month.”

(They stopped calling.)

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Please Let The Coffee ‘Be Good’

| CA, USA | Working | December 12, 2013

(It is the middle of mid-terms week and I am exhausted. I go to an extremely well-known coffee shop for a caffeine boost.)

Me: “Hi. May I please have…”

(I lose my train of thought mid-sentence. I put my index finger up as though to say ‘wait a minute.’)

Employee: “Are you trying to phone home?”

Me: *dazed* “What?”

Employee: “Well, I thought you were like ET… You know, communicating through your finger.”

(The employee mimics me by putting his index finger up too.)

Me: “Oh… no. I’m just really tired and can’t focus long enough to order. Anyways, I’ll have [a popular coffee drink].”

(The employee makes the drink and hands it to me, then waves at me with his index finger.)

Employee: “BYE, ET!”

(After I left, I realized that he had put an extra shot of espresso in, free of charge. The employee put a smile on my face, a pep in my step, and earned that store a regular customer!)

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How To Win The War Against Telemarketers, Part 2

| England, UK | Working | December 12, 2013

(Occasionally, when we have a slack day, I play with telemarketers and scam artists. I pick up the phone.)

Scammer: “This is [Name] from Microsoft. We have noticed that your PC has a virus.”

Me: “I don’t have a police constable.”

Scammer: “No! No, your WINDOWS PC. It has a virus.”

Me: “I still don’t have a police constable. Certainly not one with a cold, in my window.”

Scammer: “NO! Your PC! Your Windows computer!”

Me: “But I don’t have a computer in my window.”

Scammer: “NO! The computer you are using! It runs a program called Windows! It has a virus!”

Me: “My window has a virus?”

Scammer: “NO! THE COMPUTER! It has downloaded a virus from the internet!”

Me: “Oh! I wonder how it did that.”

Scammer: “Right! We can fix that for you.”

Me: “But my computer doesn’t have any windows in it. How did it catch the virus?”

Scammer: “No, it’s the program that runs the computer. It’s called Windows!”

Me: “No, it isn’t.”

Scammer: “Yes! It’s what makes the computer work!”

Me: “No, it doesn’t!”

Scammer: “Well, what do you think makes your computer work, then?”

Me: “OS X!”

(The scammer hangs up!)



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Curing The Coffee Beans

| Toronto, ON, Canada | Working | December 12, 2013

(My friend, is feeling very ill and visits a popular coffee shop to cheer herself up. She has very pale hair, to the point that her eyebrows and eyelashes are almost invisible. Her hair is tucked up into a hat.)

Friend: “Hi. I’ll just have a small hot chocolate, thanks.”

(The barista looks at my friend with pity.)

Barista: “Don’t worry, sweetheart. They’re finding a cure…”

A Couple Of Things Wrong With That Assumption

| San Francisco, CA, USA | Related | December 12, 2013

(I am with my older brother, visiting my dad. I am male. We are taking a walk downtown and we decide to stop by a coffee shop for some sweets. We are very close and always have been. We tend to touch and lean into each other’s personal space a lot.)

Older Brother: “I think I’m gonna get the caramel latte. What do you want?”

Me: “I don’t know. Let me look.”

(My older brother decides to tease me by covering my eyes with his hands and draping himself over my back.)

Me: “Hey! Stop that! I can’t see the menu!”

Older Brother: “What, honey? What did you say? I can’t hear you!”

(My older brother continues to tease me while the barista and nearby customers laugh at us.)

Me: “You know what? You’re ordering for me, and you’re paying!”

Older Brother: “Fine. You can get the blueberry pie and a chocolate chip cookie.”

(We find a seat near the window as we wait for our food to come. My brother sits next to me and we play games on his phone. The food comes and we notice that the barista gave us an extra muffin. We call her back to explain it to her.)

Older Brother: “We didn’t order the muffin. I think you’ve made a mistake.”

Barista: “Oh, don’t worry about that. That’s on the house because you guys are so cute. It’s so rare to see couples so in love these days.”

Me: “Huh? What?”


(My brother starts to pull out his phone.)

Me: “WE’RE BROTHERS!” *notices brother* “Wait. ARE YOU TEXTING DAD ABOUT THIS?!”

(We all laugh. The waitress lets us keep the free muffin. My brother and I fed each other the muffin like a couple would, and tipped her $20.)

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