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Sign language interpreter at Nelson Mandela’s memorial was a fake

| Working | December 12, 2013

Sign language interpreter at Nelson Mandela’s memorial was a fake

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They Hit Pay Hurt

| USA | Working | December 12, 2013

(I receive a lot of telemarketer calls during the day.)

Telemarketer: “Hi! I’m collecting donations for [Local Police Charity].”

Me: “I’d like to help, but I really don’t have anything to spare.”

(The telemarketer starts more aggressively trying to solicit a donation.)

Me: “Look. I’m a private in the Army and—”

Telemarketer: “Oh! Then you should be happy to help out your brothers in uniform!”

Me: “Okay, look. Have you ever been kicked in the crotch?”

Telemarketer: “W…what?”

Me: “It’s a serious question. Have you?”

Telemarketer: “Yes…”

Me: “Okay. Do you remember the pain? The nausea? The humiliation?”

Telemarketer: “Yes?”

Me: “Good. Now convert those feelings into dollars and cents. That’s what I get paid every month.”

(They stopped calling.)

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Please Let The Coffee ‘Be Good’

| CA, USA | Working | December 12, 2013

(It is the middle of mid-terms week and I am exhausted. I go to an extremely well-known coffee shop for a caffeine boost.)

Me: “Hi. May I please have…”

(I lose my train of thought mid-sentence. I put my index finger up as though to say ‘wait a minute.’)

Employee: “Are you trying to phone home?”

Me: *dazed* “What?”

Employee: “Well, I thought you were like ET… You know, communicating through your finger.”

(The employee mimics me by putting his index finger up too.)

Me: “Oh… no. I’m just really tired and can’t focus long enough to order. Anyways, I’ll have [a popular coffee drink].”

(The employee makes the drink and hands it to me, then waves at me with his index finger.)

Employee: “BYE, ET!”

(After I left, I realized that he had put an extra shot of espresso in, free of charge. The employee put a smile on my face, a pep in my step, and earned that store a regular customer!)

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How To Win The War Against Telemarketers, Part 2

| England, UK | Working | December 12, 2013

(Occasionally, when we have a slack day, I play with telemarketers and scam artists. I pick up the phone.)

Scammer: “This is [Name] from Microsoft. We have noticed that your PC has a virus.”

Me: “I don’t have a police constable.”

Scammer: “No! No, your WINDOWS PC. It has a virus.”

Me: “I still don’t have a police constable. Certainly not one with a cold, in my window.”

Scammer: “NO! Your PC! Your Windows computer!”

Me: “But I don’t have a computer in my window.”

Scammer: “NO! The computer you are using! It runs a program called Windows! It has a virus!”

Me: “My window has a virus?”

Scammer: “NO! THE COMPUTER! It has downloaded a virus from the internet!”

Me: “Oh! I wonder how it did that.”

Scammer: “Right! We can fix that for you.”

Me: “But my computer doesn’t have any windows in it. How did it catch the virus?”

Scammer: “No, it’s the program that runs the computer. It’s called Windows!”

Me: “No, it isn’t.”

Scammer: “Yes! It’s what makes the computer work!”

Me: “No, it doesn’t!”

Scammer: “Well, what do you think makes your computer work, then?”

Me: “OS X!”

(The scammer hangs up!)

 

 

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Curing The Coffee Beans

| Toronto, ON, Canada | Working | December 12, 2013

(My friend, is feeling very ill and visits a popular coffee shop to cheer herself up. She has very pale hair, to the point that her eyebrows and eyelashes are almost invisible. Her hair is tucked up into a hat.)

Friend: “Hi. I’ll just have a small hot chocolate, thanks.”

(The barista looks at my friend with pity.)

Barista: “Don’t worry, sweetheart. They’re finding a cure…”

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