(My parents are visiting me at college, and they decide to take me out for dinner. My dad used to be a waiter himself, and whenever we go out he likes to poke fun at the wait staff – all in good humor.)

Host: *after seating us* “So, your server tonight will be [name], and she’ll be able to answer any questions you have, okay?”

(He goes away, and after a few minutes of small talk and menu browsing, the server does indeed come over.)

Server: “Hi there, can I take your drink orders now?”

Me: “I’ll have a Coke.”

Mom: “A Diet Coke for me.”

Dad: “Jack Daniels. Neat.”

Server: “Okay then, and is there anything else I can help you with?”

Dad: “Yeah actually, when am I gonna die?”

Server: *sputtering* “Wha- I don’t… what!?”

Dad: “Well the host said you’d be able to answer any questions I had!”

(My eight-year-old friend and her stepfather go out shopping. She is white Asian, and her stepfather is African-American.)

Cashier: “Hey, thanks for shopping at [Name].”

(The cashier sees my friend playing with an action figure.)

Cashier: “Like going out with your friend?”

Friend: “Yeah. He’s my stepfather!”

Cashier: *confused* “Really?”

Friend: “Yeah!” *to stepfather* “Can I get a lolly now?”

Stepfather: “Sure, darling.”

Cashier: “Could you just stay for a sec? I need to check some stuff on your purchase.”

(They wait a few seconds while the cashier pushes a button. A manager comes along.)

Manager: “What seems to be the problem?”

Cashier: “This man seems to be with this girl and she says she’s related to him. I think he’s abducting her.”

(My friend’s stepfather is horrified. The manager looks closely at him.)

Manager: “Are you related to this child?”

Stepfather: “I’m her stepfather. Look, I can call her mother—”

Cashier: “That won’t be necessary.”

(The cashier starts speaking into the radio.)

Cashier: “Security, close the main doors.”

Manager: “Listen, [Cashier]. This is stupid. Just because a black person is with someone who isn’t black doesn’t mean it’s criminal.”

Cashier: “Well, I’ve already pressed the 911 button, so they’re on their way.”

Stepfather: “Please, I haven’t done anything wrong. She REALLY is my stepdaughter!” *to the manager* “I swear, I’m telling the truth.”

Manager: “I understand, sir.” *to cashier* “Just please call them off.”

Cashier: “I called 911, remember? I can’t call them off.”

(When police arrive, they question my friend and her stepfather. The policeman asks my friend questions like her stepfather’s first name, birth date, and their address. After a call comes that the information is checked out with my friend’s mother at her home, the policeman looks at the manager.)

Policeman: “Well, this is accurate. She’s eight years old; a little kid wouldn’t know a strange adult’s date of birth. Plus, we don’t have any issues of missing children her age in the state. So, I think that he hasn’t done anything.”

Stepfather: *to cashier* “I TOLD you! You just have to go ahead and don’t let anyone get a word in!”

Manager: *to Cashier* “I’ll be seeing you round back.”

(Even twelve years later my friend has never gone back in the store, even though the cashier was fired.)

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(My brother has recently gotten a new job at a garage that changes and fits tyres on cars. He’s been home about an hour and is taking to my mother and me. Note that I am notorious for terrible jokes.)

Brother: “Wow that was a long day.”

Me: “Has it left you a bit tyred?”

Brother: “What?”

Me: “I said, are you a bit EXHAUST-ed?”

Brother: “Just stop. Please stop.”

Me: “I can’t; these jokes just keep rolling.”

Brother: “Stop!”

Me: “Are my jokes wheelie bad?”

Brother: “STOP! STOP! You’re killing the jokes!”

Me: “Sorry, sorry, I’ll stop.”

Brother: “That’s better.”

Me: “Next time I should put the brakes on these jokes; indicate when you want me to stop.”

(Our company buys and leases houses. Although we try to keep tenants left over from the previous owners, we sometimes have to evict them, for which we offer compensation.)

Accountant: “Hey, [Name]. I have the check here for Messiah.”

Manager: “What?”

Accountant: “I have the check… for Messiah?”

Manager: “You mean Mesia? As in the name of street?”

Accountant: “What did I say?”

Manager: “You said Messiah… as in, the Lord descending from above to come to earth.”

Accountant: “Well, we’re kicking him out.”

(I have taken my van in to rotate the tires, but I also need my other wheels inflated.)

Me: “Excuse me sir, but could you—”

Employee: “Just pull it in and we’ll take care of it.”

Me: “But, sir. I need to get—”

Employee: “Just pull it in the bay and we’ll get you all fixed up.”

Me: “Sir, I just need some air—”

Employee: “Just pull it up on the rack!”

Me: “FINE!”

(I roll my little sport wheelchair up on the rack, cross my arms, and wait for him to notice. It doesn’t take long for other employees to notice and burst out laughing. The laughter makes the first employee pay attention and turn around. The look on his face is priceless! My wheelchair uses bicycle tires, which they inflate for me. They are very nice folks who will now let a customer finish a sentence!)