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Santa Has To Outsource This Year

| Newport News, VA, USA | Related | December 13, 2013

(My sister and I are six and four years old, respectively. We are shopping for groceries around Christmas. As we are by the check-out, I spot a gentleman dressed in red pants, with red suspenders, a red coat with white fur trim, big black snow boots, and gold rimmed round glasses. He has pure white hair and a big fluffy beard. I stare at him, wide eyed.)

Gentleman: *noticing me* “Shh.”

(The gentleman smiles, putting a finger to his lips with a wink. I smile shyly and do a little wave. I notice his entire shopping cart is completely loaded with candy canes, a gallon of milk, and a single package of cookies. I grab my sister’s arm and tug it, and point at the gentleman.)

Me: “Look!”

Sister: *bug eyed* “It’s Santa!”

(We both grab our mother’s attention and point over to the register where Santa was, but he was gone! She didn’t believe us. But it sure did make me believe in Santa!)

Something Fishy With Her Snack

| Canada | Related | December 13, 2013

(Earlier that day I tried the Goldfish brand s’more cookies. It is now evening, and I’m telling my mom about it on the phone.)

Me: “So the Goldfish s’mores are pretty good, but the [Other Brand] ones suck. Don’t get them.”

Mom: “Gold… Oh, Goldfish! Like the crackers!”

Me: “Yes?”

Mom: “See, I just heard ‘goldfish s’mores,’ and I was wondering where between the wafer and the marshmallow you were supposed to stick the dead fish.”

What Does The Fox Say

| UK | Romantic | December 13, 2013

(My boyfriend and I have come to visit his parents for the weekend. Because his brother has graciously given up his bedroom for us, we decide not to have sex until we get back to university. We’re in bed. We can hear foxes crying outside the window.)

Boyfriend: “Why do they make those noises again?”

Me: “It’s the females. They’re in heat.”

Boyfriend: “Oh.”

(Thoughtful silence.)

Boyfriend: “Even the bloody foxes are getting more than I am.”

Lady And The Tramp Stamp

| UT, USA | Romantic | December 13, 2013

(I’m sitting on the couch. My husband comes out of the bathroom where he’s getting ready to shower.)

Husband: “Do you promise not to mock me if I ask you a question?”

Me: “Probably.”

Husband: *turns* “Is my back hair a tramp stamp?”

(I start laughing.)

Husband: “I just noticed. I died a little bit inside.”

A Twisted Marriage

| PA, USA | Romantic | December 13, 2013

(The family is gathered around the table for Thanksgiving dinner. My mom is having an argument with my dad.)

Mom: “And you! After thirty years, you’ve got some kind of switch that lets you shut out everything I say!”

Dad: “Of course. Haven’t you ever seen me twist my wedding ring?”

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