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Setting A Whole New (Dial) Tone

| TX, USA | Working | December 13, 2013

(My son has managed to urinate on my phone. I towel dry it but it won’t turn on. I put it in a waterproof zipped bag and take it to the big superstore to buy another one. I approach the camera section since no one is in the phone section.)

Employee: “What can I do you for you today?”

Me: “Well, uh, my phone… Well, let’s just say it got wet.” *nervous laugh* “And, well, I was just wondering if you could follow me over to the phone section so I could buy another phone. I’ve already removed the SIM card and battery.”

Employee: “I’m going to need to see the back of the phone.”

(He proceeds to rub the back of the phone through the bag which, of course, is unsuccessful. He puts the bag down and moves to open it.)

Me: “NO! DON’T! My, uh. Well, my kid peed on it and I really don’t want you to touch it. I just want you to come with me so you can unlock the phone display so I can buy another one.”

(After hastily dropping the bag, the employee is now regarding me suspiciously.)

Employee: “How long ago did you buy your phone?”

Me: “Two months ago, I think. I didn’t purchase the warranty or anything. Again, could you please just come over and unlock the phone case? I just want to buy another phone. I’m just showing you the old one so you know which one I want.”

(The employee suddenly jerks back and starts looking at me like I’m a whole new species.)

Employee: “Wait, you want me to go unlock the phone so you can buy a new phone?!”

Me: “Um, yes? That is what I’ve been trying to get across to you this whole time.”

Employee: “You don’t want a free phone or an exchange? You really want to buy a new phone?!”

Me: “Last I checked you can’t get a free replacement for damaging your old phone with liquid damage so… yes? Just come with me.”

(I start making ‘follow me’ motions with my hands. After gazing at me warily the employee finally concedes to following me all the while mumbling in a very bewildered tone. We manage to find the exact phone I want and I purchase it. Towards the end an older employee walks up. As I walk off I hear the younger employee talking to the older one.)

Employee: “Dude, that lady just bought herself a new phone because she broke her old one! She didn’t complain! I didn’t get yelled at! Did that happen or am I hallucinating?”

Older Employee: *awed tone* “Whoa. That never happens.”

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O, Canaduh, Part 3

| Houston, TX, USA | Working | December 13, 2013

(I work the front end of a printing shop. Our press operator comes strolling out on his way to the toilets, wiping his hands on a rag. Both are covered in ink and chemicals that I can smell from my desk across the room.)

Me: “Jeez, that’s some potent stuff.”

Press Operator: “Yeah. You know, it’s a d*** good thing we don’t live in Canada.”

Me: “What? Why’s that? Don’t like the cold?”

Press Operator: “Nope. Because that new cleaner that the owner bought me causes cancer in Canada, but I’ll be safe down here.”

Related:
O, Canaduh, Part 2
O, Canaduh

Letting Off Steam Over Ice

, | USA | Working | December 13, 2013

(Though I usually get along well with my coworkers, there is one who rubs me the wrong way.)

Me: “Hey, [Coworker]. Could you dump this in the machine please?”

Coworker: “Why?”

Me: “Because I hurt my shoulder and can’t pick up the bucket with one hand. If you don’t want to do it I’ll ask someone else—”

Coworker: “Well, when did you hurt it? I saw you pick up a bucket of ice yesterday.”

Me: “Three days ago, and that bucket was empty. This one is full to the top with ice. Just forget it. I’ll ask someone else.”

Coworker: “No. I’ll do it after you admit you’re just being lazy.”

(I decide to ignore her and turn to ask someone else for help when another coworker stomps up and throws the ice in the machine.)

Other Coworker: “THERE! Was that so d*** hard? Next time someone asks you for help either do what they ask or tell them no. Don’t waste everyone’s time by trying to pick a fight. Nobody cares!”

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Dropping Notes Like Flies

| USA | Related | December 13, 2013

(My mom likes to leave the windows open during the summer. Lots of mosquitoes get in and bite me. I’m upstairs taking a nap, when I hear the loud, high pitch of a mosquito. Instinctively, I slap around, trying to squish it, but get nothing. The sound is coming from outside of my room. Confused, I look around. Realizing what the sound really is, I go downstairs, where my brother is practicing the violin.)

Me: “Could you not practice the violin while I’m sleeping?”

Brother: “Why not?”

Me: “I thought your playing was a mosquito! It’s so high pitched and whiny that I was slapping around in my room like a moron!”

Brother: “Haha! Moron!” *stops to think* “Wait a minute! My playing doesn’t sound like a mosquito! Moooom!”

Championing The Best Music

| Riverhead, NY, USA | Related | December 13, 2013

(I am driving in the car with my three-year-old daughter. ‘We Will Rock You’ by Queen comes on the radio. My daughter starts clapping to the song.)

Daughter: “Mommy, what’s this song’s name?”

Me: “This is called, ‘We Will Rock You.'”

Daughter: “I like it.”

Me: “Yes. Yes, you do.”

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