(My brother and I are both big ‘Elder Scrolls’ fans. We are also atheists.)
Me: “Oh, my God!”
Brother: “Oh, your God? But I thought you didn’t have one.”
Me: “Well, I suppose you’re right.”
Brother: “So you should probably say something like: oh, other people’s God.”
Me: “Or I could just say ‘By the Nine!'”
(I am visiting my grandparents for the holidays. It’s the day after Christmas. My family all go to the movies. Because I am the only kid, I go to go see Tangled. My parents and grandparents go to see an R-rated movie. Even though I am sixteen at the time, I love Disney. I am sitting in the middle row waiting for the movie to start, when an older customer and her grandchildren come in.)
Customer: *snorts* “You should be ashamed of yourself! Someone your age seeing a Disney movie by yourself!”
Me: “You are never too old to see a Disney movie. Besides, it’s not any of your business what I watch.”
(The customer stomps off, taking her grandkids to the front row. I roll my eyes. Then another customer walks up to me.)
Other Customer: “She was rude, huh? Just so you know, I am 38 years old and I love Disney. I came here by myself because my sons would not come with me. Do you mind if I sit by you?”
Me: “Of course!”
(The other customer and I talk about all our favorite Disney movies. We both very much enjoyed the movie, even if the grandmother was turning around to glare at us during the whole movie!)
(I work at a call center for a large car rental company, booking rentals and providing customer service. I’ve been told my voice is very robotic.)
Me: “Thank you for calling [Business] Car Rentals. My name is [First Name]. How may I help you?”
Caller #1: “I’d like to book a rental.”
Me: “When and where would you like to pick up your rental?”
Caller #1: “I’d like to speak to a person.”
Me: “Sir, I am a person.”
Caller #1: “No, you’re the answering machine. Connect me to a person.”
Me: “No, sir. I am a real person. My name is [First Name].”
Caller #1: “STOP LYING TO ME, ROBOT!”
(The caller hangs up. Five minutes pass and my next call comes in.)
Me: “Thank you for calling [Business] Car Rentals. My name is [First Name]. How may I help you?”
Caller #2: “Speak to an agent.”
Me: “I am an agent, sir. Would you like to schedule a booking?”
Customer #2: “Oh, wow! You sound exactly like the voice on the menus!”
(Our office is filled with IT people, which means we may be working odd hours or away from the office. As a result, we keep each other updated through email. One of my coworkers has worked late one night, and discovered her car had a flat tire. This is how she informed our office that she’d be late the next day:)
Coworker #1:
“A large metal rod has been found,
In between my car’s wheel and the ground.
Though the car’s not at fault,
The dramatic result,
Is the tire is no longer quite round.”
(I am the first to read the email. I feel I have to respond appropriately… in haiku.)
Me:
“When road debris strikes,
There is but one thing to do:
Curse the parking lot.”
(This opens the floodgates.)
Coworker #2:
“I feel for you and I believe you’re wronged,
And blame your car for wheels are not its strength.
I would go on in this same vein at length,
But on my desk my daily tasks are thronged.”
Coworker #3:
“Blame not the victim of dread circumstance,
Are you at fault should something prick your toe?
The tire is deflated enough by chance,
Puff it to round and watch [Name’s] best car go!”
(The CEO of our company then joins in, who is not to be outdone.)
CEO:
“The happy tire revolves the live-long day,
Never to give [Name] cause for slightest care,
But meeting rod, is punctured; losing air,
Becomes a cause of grief and great delay.
And now the tire that once was round and gay,
Is flat and [Name] must seek for quick repair.
She takes her car a new direction where,
She finds relief but fears the price to pay.
For tires purchased must installed be,
And lo the seller will total cost:
Not just for tire but all the special care,
To balance, mount plus tax, recycling fee…
Gives cause to ponder all that has been lost,
Not seeing rod in road and driving there.”
(Finally, after getting her tire fixed, the first coworker sends a short message.)
Coworker #1: “I pity my friends who work at ‘normal’ companies with ‘normal’ people.”
(It is Halloween. Everyone is chattering excitedly. My English teacher waves to quiet us down. There is a journaling prompt on the board: ‘Write about something that scares you.’)
Teacher: “So, what did you guys write in your journals? What scares you guys?”
(A few people respond but most of us are silent.)
Teacher: “Let me see if I can give you some inspiration.”
(She then proceeds to pull up a photo of a scary clown. No one says anything.)
Teacher: “No? How about this?”
(She then pulls up a photo from ‘The Shining’ of the man sticking his head through the hole in the wall. Still it is silent.)
Teacher: “Really? Nobody? Okay. Last one.”
(The final image is an image of One Direction. Most of the students are boys or tomboyish girls.)
Class: *screams*
