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Pass The Buck To Your Manager

| IA, USA | Right | December 14, 2013

(I am stocking the liquor section. An older customer comes up to the register. He is wearing cut-off jeans going three quarters of the way up his thigh and a flannel shirt unbuttoned to his belly button.)

Customer: “I want the liqueur made of deer’s blood.”

Me: “Could you repeat that?”

Customer: “I want that liqueur made of deer’s blood.”

Me: “Do you know the name of this drink?”

Customer: “No, but I know it is made of deer’s blood.”

(I call over the manager who deals with the liquor section.)

Me: “Do we have a liqueur made of deer’s blood?”

Manager: “I don’t think we stock anything like that. Let’s look.”

(We look for a while and I eventually take a bottle of Jägermeister off the shelf.)

Me: “Is this what you’re looking for?”

Customer: “Yes. Thank you.”

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Highly Screwed

| Muskogee, OK, USA | Right | December 14, 2013

(I am working late evening, when a customer comes in near closing time. He is high on something and brings a 4 ft tall bong.)

Me: “How can I help you today, sir?”

Customer: “Well… umm… I broke it.”

Me: “Broke what?”

Customer: “I broke my smoker.”

Me: “Okay… what can I do to help you?”

Customer: “Screw. I need a screw. I think a screw will fix it. Or maybe something else. A screw. I need a screw. I need a screw!”

(I try to help him find the right screw, but he’s not thinking. He walks away, with his screw, and, I’m sure, another chance to get high again.)

Customer: “Need a screw. Need a screw. Need a screw…”

Not-So-Smart-Phone, Part 6

| Germany | Working | December 14, 2013

(My two-month-old phone has suddenly and permanently frozen. As it’s still under warranty, I go to the store to replace it.)

Me: “Hello. My phone is broken.”

Employee: “Oh, dear. It is. Well, because it’s still under warranty, we’ll order a new one for you and notify you when it arrives in the shop.”

Me: “Really? That’s great. Thank you.”

(I fill out the forms and take my old broken phone home with me. About a month passes and I haven’t received a single letter or e-mail from the phone shop. I take an extra long break from work and run over there.)

Me: “Hi, sorry. I’m here about a replacement phone? Mine isn’t working, and hasn’t been working for a while.”

Employee: “Did you fill out the forms?”

Me: “I have them all here, along with my old phone.”

Employee: “Oh, this. Your phone came in about three weeks ago.”

Me: “Three weeks?! Why didn’t you notify me?”

Employee: “We did. We sent you a text message.”

Me: “…wait, what?”

Employee: “We texted you several times that your phone had arrived.”

Me: “You texted me? But my phone’s broken!”

Employee: “We sent you notification. I don’t understand why it took you so long—”

Me: “Ma’am, my phone is broken. How am I supposed to receive, let alone read a text message?! I can’t use my phone! That’s why I’m getting a new one! How was I supposed to know it had arrived?!”

(The employee pauses, thinks about it, then gives a huge shrug.)

Employee: “We sent you a message. You should have come sooner.”

Not-So-Smart-Phone, Part 5
Not-So-Smart-Phone, Part 4
Not-So-Smart-Phone, Part 3

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Losing Count(y) Of The Scams

| UK | Working | December 14, 2013

(I take a call. The other end sounds like a call centre.)

Me: “Hello?”

Telemarketer: *heavily accented* “Hello, my name is [Mispronounced Anglo-Saxon First Name].”

Me: “Of course it is…”

Telemarketer: “I’m calling from the United Kingdom County Council.”

Me: “I don’t know what to say. I mean, to find out this way that the UK has been downgraded from a country is rather shocking!”

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The Highest Expectations For Their Birthday

| VA, USA | Related | December 14, 2013

(It’s near my birthday. My 87-year-old great grandma always gives me money, but she always sneaks it into my hand like it’s a secret.)

Me: “You always give me money like I’m some kind of drug dealer.”

Great Grandma: “Well, where are the drugs?”

Me: “I don’t have any drugs for you today.”

Great Grandma: “Aw, well. That’s too bad.”

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