(I’m with my mom, trying to explain a joke where Santa is playing Scrabble with his reindeer, and the only available word to play is ‘venison.’)

Mom: “I just don’t get why it’s funny.”

Me: “Because deer are only called venison when you’re about to eat them. These deer are Santa’s friends. Hence, the ‘funny.'”

Mom: “Okay. I think I get it, but do we really only use venison when talking about food?”

Me: “Gee, those venison sure are having fun, frolicking in the field.”

Mom: “You made your point. Why do we even call it venison, though? We don’t invent special words for other animals, like beef.”

Me: *sarcastically* “Gee, that beef sure is having fun, frolicking in the field.”

Mom: “Shut up.”

(I work for a major auto company. We deal with quality. When a problem is serious, we are handed a dossier in an orange folder in order to fix it. This day, [Coworker #1] is handed not one, but THREE. She also happens to be notoriously lazy and whiny. It is about four days before Christmas break.)

Coworker #2: *puts the folders on [Coworker #1]’s desk*

Coworker #1: “What? Seriously?”

Coworker #2: “Yep. These are all your responsibility. You need to close them before Christmas break.”

Coworker #1: “Oh, come on! What about the Christmas spirit? You can’t do this to me!”

(I notice our boss is staring with a grin on his face.)

Me: “Dude, I’m not sure whether you are enjoying this or suffering through it…”

Boss: “Yeah, man. It’s hard to tell…”

(It is mid December. I am purchasing Christmas gifts for my niece and nephew. I have just found out from their father that they want a specific toy which has been popular. A local big-box store has a sale on them. I order online and enter the store on my lunch break to pick them up.)

Employee: “Here are your items. Please make sure they are what you ordered online.”

(I pick up the toys and inspect them. As I am looking at the one for my niece, a customer appears from nowhere and attempts to snatch the toy from my hands.)

Customer: “Hey! That’s the toy I have been looking for! They are out of stock on the shelf. I need to buy it now!”

(The cashier takes toy from me so the customer will stop grabbing for it.)

Cashier: “Madam, he has already purchased this online and is picking it up. I’d be happy to—”

Customer: “No! I was here first and that toy should be mine! He just came and you gave it to him. He hasn’t even paid! He’s cheating! He cut in line!”

Cashier: “Please calm down. I’m sure we can order one or find you one at another store. He has already purchased this one so we cannot sell it to you.”

Customer: “LIAR! He’s a cheater and you are too! Get me your manager now so I can buy this toy for my baby!”

(At this point the customer is yelling loudly and has drawn the attention of the entire front of the store. The manager is already on his way over.)

Manager: “Madam, I’m sorry for the upset. What is the problem?”

Customer: “Your employee is cheating! This man just came in the store and she is handing him the toy that I have been looking for. He hasn’t even paid for it. I demand you sell me this toy and not give it to this cheater!”

Manager: “I’m sorry but he has ordered this online and is now picking it up. I’d be happy to—”

(In the meantime, the cashier has placed the toys in a bag and quietly hands them to me while waving for me to go. I hurry towards the door.)

Customer: *starts trying to get past the manager* “There he goes! He is stealing my baby’s toy! He cut in line and he’s a CHEATER! A CHEATER!”

(I hurry out the door hearing her screams as I hurry to my car. I hope she calmed down and got her toy. I hadn’t seen that kind of crazy since I last dared to go to a Black Friday sale.)

(We sell Christmas-themed doughnuts. One looks like a Christmas tree, with a chocolate wafer stick as the trunk. On the display tray the trunk normally points towards the customer. I’ve just served someone who ordered one and changed their mind. I’ve hurriedly put it back, but the trunk is facing the wrong way, towards me.)

Customer: “I want a tree, but do you have any that aren’t upside down?”

(We are family of three geeks, two of us over 40 and one nine-year-old. We don’t have much money, so we’re a bit technically behind the times. I set out to find a good Christmas present for our young one and turn up an inexpensive used Playstation 2. It comes with over 100 games, many that we don’t want. I take these downtown to the big games shop.)

Me: “Hi. I’d like to see what kind of trade-in value I can get for these?”

Employee: “Sure!”

Me: “I also have two store cards, one for me and one for my partner. I’d like to ask if the points from one could be transferred to the other to consolidate them, enabling us to throw one card away?”

(The employee puts the cards in front of the cash register. He stares at them, and starts to sweat a little, showing obvious signs of panic. This reeks to me of ‘new hire’, maybe even ‘first day’ material.)

Employee: “I’m sorry. I don’t remember how to do that. Please give me a moment to look that up.”

Me: “No problem. Absolutely.”

(The employee whips out a book and looks increasingly stressed as he studies several pages of literature. He gives me a helpless, encouraging smile. Then he turns around to the manager and asks him how to do it.)

Manager: “I’ll show you in a few minutes. Would you help these people?”

(The manager and employee switch places. The manager quickly fuses the cards. Then he glances in the direction of the games.)

Manager: “Playstation 2 games would fetch you maybe 20 cents each if I do them there. I would try an online classifieds site.”

(I nod, and put them back in the bag.)

Manager: “Or maybe [New Competitor] would want them.”

(The manager proceeds to give me directions. I have always loved the service at this store, and obviously this day is no different. I go back to thank the new employee before I leave. I head out into the chaos of the Christmas market and fight my way towards the other store, in the tiny, narrow street behind the immensely crowded square. The guy there was the owner and sole employee of a tiny hole-in-the-wall used-game shop that I love immediately.)

Owner: “For that pile of games, I can give you about €8.”

Me: “Great! Maybe I could trade them for something for my son as a Christmas present?”

(I look around and find two little Pokémon collectible stuffed animals.)

Me: “What is the price for these?”

Owner: “€5 each, but screw the extra €2. I could trade the games for those. Sweet.”

(These three people turned a jaunt that was already turning into a nightmare into a pleasant experience. Merry Christmas to them!)

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