Me: “Hun, if I got bitten by a zombie what would you do?”
Boyfriend: “That depends; are you a rotting pile of flesh, or like a virus goes-crazy-but-is-still-alive kind?”
Me: “Let’s go with the virus.”
Boyfriend: “Then I would tie you to my bed and muzzle you, so that you can’t hurt me, and I can cuddle you every night and still love you.”
Me: “Aww. When you said tie me to your bed, I totally thought you were going somewhere else with that.”
Boyfriend: “Yeah…”
(I am at my boyfriend’s house. His family has just started decorating the Christmas tree. The ornaments use a stiff hooked wire instead of a string. The hook is big enough to hang on your finger.)
Boyfriend: “Okay. Just grab a few of these ornaments and start hanging them up.”
Me: “Okay.”
(I take an ornament in each hand and pause.)
Boyfriend: “On the tree! Hang them on the tree!”
Me: *disappointed* “Aww. You had to specify.”
Boyfriend: “Yes, because I know you too well. You were going to hang them on me.”
(My boyfriend was right; I was planning on hanging them on his clothes!)
(My husband and I are about to have sex. He is preparing to put on a condom, and he pulls it out of the wrapper. In the dim light he is having a hard time telling on which side the rolled part of the condom is. He hands it to me.)
Husband: “Which way is it going? Do I have the little wizard’s hat pointed outward?”
(My husband points at the reservoir tip.)
Me: “Yup! Put on your wizard’s hat! And remember: ‘A wizard is never late, nor is he early!'”
(I’m 23 and gay. Around the age of around 16, before I came out, I had a bisexual girlfriend. Although no longer together, we remain very close friends to this day. My step-dad, who doesn’t really understand sexuality, has met her for the first time.)
Step-Dad: *to my mum* “They seem to get along really well. Lots of hugging and cuddling.”
Mum: “Well, they were together for a good while and they are really good friends still. And [Former Girlfriend] is lovely. I still think of her as my adopted daughter.”
Me: “Yeah. In fairness, we know practically everything about each other. And, hey, we both enjoy a hug and cuddle with a cheesy film, we’re both a bit mental, and we both have a really daft sense of humour. All we really do when we get together is hug and giggle uncontrollably.”
Step-Dad: “So, if she’s bisexual, why don’t you get back together?”
Me: “Because I’m gay.”
Step-Dad: “Yeah. But she’s bisexual, isn’t she?”
Me: “Yes, but I’m not. I’m gay?”
Step-Dad: “So, does that matter?”
This story is part of the Bisexuality roundup!
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(My brother and I are both big ‘Elder Scrolls’ fans. We are also atheists.)
Me: “Oh, my God!”
Brother: “Oh, your God? But I thought you didn’t have one.”
Me: “Well, I suppose you’re right.”
Brother: “So you should probably say something like: oh, other people’s God.”
Me: “Or I could just say ‘By the Nine!'”
