Boyfriend: “What is the moral behind ‘the princess and the pea?'”
Me: “I don’t know. That she’s a b****? I don’t think there is a moral behind that story, like in Cinderella. The prince says she is the love of his life. Then he forgets what she looks like and has to run around the village with a glass shoe. That’s not true love.”
Boyfriend: “Maybe she had some work done by the fairy godmother.”
(I work for the municipal division of a road construction company. One part of my job is going out to sites, once the job has been completed, to take measurements for our quantities reports. To do this I use a measuring wheel tool. I am out measuring a sidewalk that has just been completed.)
Pedestrian: “Aren’t you a little old to be playing with children’s toys?”
Me: *confused* “Pardon?”
Pedestrian: *gestures at the wheel* “That’s a toy for toddlers! With those bright colours and all the noise it makes!”
(The wheel is fluorescent orange and black, and makes a ticking noise as the number of meters roll up.)
Me: “Well, first, I’d like to say that you are never too old to play with toys. Second, this is a measuring wheel, and I am using it to record my company’s final quantities on the city sidewalk program. It’s a tool, not a toy.”
Pedestrian: “What a horrible liar you are! Let’s see what your boss has to say about you playing with some kid’s toy on the job AND lying!”
(With that she storms off. I continue my work. When I return to the office later that day my safety manager calls me to her office, as she deals with complaints. She was crying from laughing so hard.)
(My husband’s boss isn’t the most tech savvy person. He’s asked my husband to figure out how he can change his current home sound system to a wireless sound system. It’s not part of my husband’s job but it’s a slow afternoon so he does the research.)
Husband: “After checking everything out it should cost around $3000 for you to upgrade to a wireless system.”
Boss: “No, that can’t be right. I read online you can change what you have.”
Husband: “No. You’ll need to purchase a whole new system. If you want the same set up that you have now it’ll cost around three thousand.”
Boss: “No. I read on the internet you buy that wireless box thing and you cut the wires on the speakers and leave about 3 inches bare and it’ll pick up the signals.”
Husband: “…pick up the signals?” *deep breath* “So, lets say this worked. How would the speakers know whether it should be picking up the left or right signal for the speaker?”
Boss: “If it’s a left speaker it’ll know what to do.”
(After much explaining that went nowhere, his boss was still convinced that he could just buy a ‘wireless box’ and strip some wires to upgrade his five year old sound system. Not to mention he wanted it completely wireless! NO power cables or anything! Somehow this man runs a business.)
(Sometimes my roommate next door gets very loud when getting intimate. One morning after such an event, my boyfriend wakes me up a little early. He begins nudging me for sex.)
Me: “It’s so early. Why now?”
(My boyfriend just smiles, and points to the room next to ours.)
Boyfriend: “Revenge…”
(Having been married just one month, I am very precious and careful with my wedding ring. I take it off only to wash my hands. I’m in a shopping mall bathroom and have just taken my ring off and set it on top of my bag next to me. At the sink next to me is a girl about the age of 12.)
Girl: “Hey, mum! Look what I found!”
Mum: *in a loud whisper* “Put that in your pocket! Show me later!”
(They begin to leave. I reach for my ring and find it gone! I see the girl just shoving my ring into her pocket with a big smile on her face.)
Me: “Hey! Excuse me! I think you have something of mine!”
Mum: “Mind your own business!” *to her daughter* “Keep walking, honey.”
(They both flee the bathroom, but I follow and yell.)
Me: “Stop! Hey! Give it back!”
Girl: “No! It’s mine, b****!”
Mum: “You leave my baby alone!”
(I start to cry. With the mum yelling at me, the chaos brings a security guard running over.)
Mum: “Thank God! This b**** is trying to steal my baby girl’s ring!”
Me: “No, no, it’s my wedding ring. I took it off for a moment and she took it!”
Girl: “She’s lying! It’s mine!”
Guard: “Enough!” *to me* Do you have any proof it’s yours?”
(I’m still crying and try to describe it, but the girl and her mum keep screaming over me. The guard has to yell at them to get them to quiet down. At last, he looks at my long thin fingers, and the girl’s very short chubby ones, and he winks at me.)
Guard: “Okay, tell you what. Whoever the ring fits, that’s who it belongs to.”
(The guard forced the girl to hand it over, with the mum screaming the whole time. Of course, the ring didn’t get anywhere near fitting her, and was a perfect fit on me. The guard called the police and they both got banned from the store. My husband and I are still very good friends with the guard; in fact, he’s marrying my husband’s sister next year!)
