(My boyfriend and I are cuddling in bed after being intimate. I take his hand and put it on my heart. He smiles.)
Boyfriend: *whispers* “Close your eyes.”
(I expect something romantic to follow.)
Boyfriend: *blows hard onto my face*
Me: “What was THAT?!”
Boyfriend: “There was something gross!”
(I am in my second week at my job as a research assistant on campus. Already, I have the reputation of being sociable and talkative. One day I wake up with absolutely no voice. Since I have no other symptoms of being sick, I show up to work anyway.)
Boss: “Why is it so quiet in here?”
Coworker: “[My Name] lost her voice, so she’s not talking like she usually does.”
Boss: *dropping his voice down to a whisper* “Okay. I guess we’ll all speak softly, for your sake.”
Coworker: “[Boss], she can’t speak. Her hearing hasn’t changed!”
Boss: “Um… right. Well, we can… Let’s stick to email today, shall we?”
Coworker: “Seriously? How did you get your Ph.D.?”
Boss: “This is why I have you two as research assistants: so you can do the thinking for me!”
(I work for the municipal division of a road construction company. One part of my job is going out to sites, once the job has been completed, to take measurements for our quantities reports. To do this I use a measuring wheel tool. I am out measuring a sidewalk that has just been completed.)
Pedestrian: “Aren’t you a little old to be playing with children’s toys?”
Me: *confused* “Pardon?”
Pedestrian: *gestures at the wheel* “That’s a toy for toddlers! With those bright colours and all the noise it makes!”
(The wheel is fluorescent orange and black, and makes a ticking noise as the number of meters roll up.)
Me: “Well, first, I’d like to say that you are never too old to play with toys. Second, this is a measuring wheel, and I am using it to record my company’s final quantities on the city sidewalk program. It’s a tool, not a toy.”
Pedestrian: “What a horrible liar you are! Let’s see what your boss has to say about you playing with some kid’s toy on the job AND lying!”
(With that she storms off. I continue my work. When I return to the office later that day my safety manager calls me to her office, as she deals with complaints. She was crying from laughing so hard.)
(It is approaching the holidays. My mom is buying a gift for someone. We are Jewish.)
Cashier: “Would you like a gift receipt?”
Mom: “Yes, please.”
Cashier: “Is this a Christmas Present?”
Mom: “No. It’s for Chanukah.”
Cashier: “You’re Jewish?”
Mom: “Yes.”
Cashier: *shocked* “Really?”
Mom: “Yes.”
Cashier: “So you don’t celebrate Thanksgiving?”
(My husband’s boss isn’t the most tech savvy person. He’s asked my husband to figure out how he can change his current home sound system to a wireless sound system. It’s not part of my husband’s job but it’s a slow afternoon so he does the research.)
Husband: “After checking everything out it should cost around $3000 for you to upgrade to a wireless system.”
Boss: “No, that can’t be right. I read online you can change what you have.”
Husband: “No. You’ll need to purchase a whole new system. If you want the same set up that you have now it’ll cost around three thousand.”
Boss: “No. I read on the internet you buy that wireless box thing and you cut the wires on the speakers and leave about 3 inches bare and it’ll pick up the signals.”
Husband: “…pick up the signals?” *deep breath* “So, lets say this worked. How would the speakers know whether it should be picking up the left or right signal for the speaker?”
Boss: “If it’s a left speaker it’ll know what to do.”
(After much explaining that went nowhere, his boss was still convinced that he could just buy a ‘wireless box’ and strip some wires to upgrade his five year old sound system. Not to mention he wanted it completely wireless! NO power cables or anything! Somehow this man runs a business.)
