Mom: “I can’t believe they have all this Christmas merchandise out already!”

(We drive past the local hardware store and see their outdoor Christmas display in all its glory. A few minutes pass…)

Mom: “Pumpkins, American flags… It’s time to get the Christmas stuff out, people!”

Me: “Weren’t you just complaining about those other stores having their Christmas stuff out too early?”

Mom: *meekly* “That was before I saw those pretty lights.”

(I am stocking shelves in the general merchandise side of a large store. A customer comes up to me to ask a question.)

Customer: “Can you tell me where this [Brand] of laundry soap is?”

Me: “Sure. It can be tricky since the clothespins and laundry baskets are over here. It’s actually on the grocery side of the store in aisle 13.”

(The customer suddenly looks very dejected and turns to go that way.)

Me: “Ma’am, I’d be happy to show you if you would like.”

Customer: “Oh! That would be wonderful!”

(The customer actually hugs me and goes off towards the grocery side. I follow her, and show her exactly where to find her exact product.)

Me: “Is there anything else you would like me to help you find?”

(The customer pulls out a list and very sheepishly starts listing off multiple products.)

Customer: “I’ve just moved here and never been in this store before. I can’t seem to find anything. This place is so big.”

Me: “Yes, ma’am. I understand. I’ll help you find it or I’ll find someone who can.”

(I help her for the next hour and a half. I miss my lunch break. At the end we’re talking about how she can organize her list so that she can start at one end of the store and go to the other, without having to backtrack, for her next shopping trip. My manager notices that I’m talking to her. He thinks she’s a friend, or something, and starts yelling at me.)

Manager: “You’ve missed your lunch break! Now I’m going to have to overlap you with another worker! It will mess up everyone’s schedule!”

Customer: “Excuse me, young man. This woman just spent more than an hour helping me to find all my purchases for today. When I was done shopping I was going to ask to speak with her manager about her wonderful conduct, but I think I’ll have to also talk to the store owner about your improper conduct. How dare you berate an employee in front of a perfect stranger!”

(The customer hugs me. She thanks me again before going off to check out. The customer informed our store owner that her husband is a wealthy lawyer and their daughter is expecting triplets. They were also remodeling their new house; she would be spending a lot of money on baby furniture and supplies for their house. She said if the owner allowed managers to yell at employees like that for no reason she would take her business elsewhere. I found out the next day my department manager was fired and I received a raise. She and her daughter came in the next month. They bought $8,000 worth of baby clothes, car seats, strollers, cribs, toys, diapers, and everything else you could want for a baby (or three!). She called and made sure I worked that day so that I could help her pick out the stuff she wanted. I got a $100 tip.)

(I have a reputation at school for being a know-it-all. In my History class, we are learning the history of medicine.)

Student #1: “Sir, how do you spell chloroform?”

(The teacher proceeds to write on the board, ‘choloform.’)

Student #1: “That can’t be right.”

Teacher: “No. It is. Trust me.”

Student #2: “That says ‘choloform.'”

(Another student turns to me.)

Student #1: “How do you spell it, [My Name]?”

Me: “C-H-L-O-R-O-F-O-R-M.”

(The student who asked the question seems satisfied and returns to writing. The teacher seems indignant about being corrected. He proceeds to get a dictionary out and looks up the word.)

Teacher: *to me* “Hmm. Well done.”

Student #1: “How do you spell ‘anesthetic?'”

(The teacher begins to write on the board again, pausing halfway through the word, but managing to complete it correctly. The class turns and looks at me. I nod.)

(I’m at a girls cabin at a teen retreat camp. I’ve just finished unpacking my stuff after a 25-hour drive with 8 buses. I look across the room to the bunk bed parallel to mine and see someone I think might be my cousin.)

Me: “Is your name Porter?”

Girl: “Yeah. Aren’t you my third cousin?”

Me: “Yeah, I thought so. Just making sure! Hi, cousin. Nice to meet you!”

Girl: “Nice to finally meet you!”

(My friend has been listening to this. She looks amazed because this has happened right after unloading the buses, when I was continuously giving people hugs and telling them hello.)

Me: “Allow me to explain. My dad is one of 13 children, so I have a big family. Ten cousins that I know of are on the trip with us.”

Friend: “Are you related to everybody!?”

Me: *laughing* “Just about!”

(Later that night, one of the chaperones approaches my friend and me.)

Chaperone: “Are you two sisters or related or something? Because y’all look like twins!”

Friend: “Not yet!”

(My friend drops to one knee in front of me.)

Friend: “Will you marry me?”

(We all laugh. After we finally calm down again, she turns to me.)

Friend: “I think your brother is very cute though; so, maybe one day we will be related!”

(It is approaching the holidays. My mom is buying a gift for someone. We are Jewish.)

Cashier: “Would you like a gift receipt?”

Mom: “Yes, please.”

Cashier: “Is this a Christmas Present?”

Mom: “No. It’s for Chanukah.”

Cashier: “You’re Jewish?”

Mom: “Yes.”

Cashier: *shocked* “Really?”

Mom: “Yes.”

Cashier: “So you don’t celebrate Thanksgiving?”