(My younger sister decides to have a spur-of-the-moment movie night, but doesn’t want to stay up too late.)

Sister: “[Film #1] is three hours, but [Film #2] is only two-and-a-half.”

Me: *looking at [Film B]’s box* “No. It says 144 minutes. That’s not even two hours.”

Sister: “Um. Sixty plus sixty plus twenty-four…”

Me: “Oh. Duh.”

(My parents have overheard.)

Mom: “Weren’t you in a math class last semester?”

Me: *overdramatic* “Calculus, Mother! We didn’t learn addition!”

(Every evening after work, I get the same bus home. I usually see the same young lady at the stop, and will share a smile and a nod as a greeting. As I’m fairly introverted, I rarely talk to people on the way home; I just listen to music on my wireless earbuds, which are hidden by my hair. One day, instead of the usual greeting, the young lady catches my eye and starts signing something at me. I reach up to pull out my earbuds.)

Me: “I’m sorry. I can’t read sign langu—”

Young Lady: *turning bright red* “Oh, my god! You’re not deaf! I’m such an idiot! I thought you were deaf because you never respond when I talk to you. So, I tried to learn some sign language so I could talk to you.”

(The young lady tails off to a mumble, getting redder and redder. I burst out laughing.)

Me: “Wow. I never thought I was worth learning sign language to talk to!”

Young Lady: “I’m so sorry. How can I possibly make it up to you?”

Me: “Well, you can accompany me for a drink for starters. I’d love to learn more about a girl who learned sign language for a boy who can’t read it!”

(After that encounter it wasn’t long before we started dating. Now she turns bright red as soon as anyone asks how we met!)

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(A customer calls up asking to order reprints over the phone. She is very pleasant and the order is completed smoothly. She indicates that she would like to pay over the phone, which is fine. I go to the front phone and register to take her information and ring her out.)

Me: “Okay. Your total comes to [total] with tax.”

Caller: “I have four $20 bills.”

Me: “I’m sorry. I don’t think I heard you correctly. How would you like to pay?”

Caller: “With cash. That way I can’t overspend. I have four $20 bills to use.”

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am. I cannot take cash over the phone. We take all major credit cards, or you can pay by cash when you pick up your order.”

Caller: “No. This is ridiculous. You’ll be busy when I pick it up. I just want to pay now and get it out of the way.”

Me: “I understand. We accept all major credit cards. I am ready whenever you are to complete the sale.”

Caller: “I’m not giving you that! You’re just trying to steal my credit card! I want to pay cash!”

Me: “If you would like to pay cash, you can come in and pay when you pick up the order. I cannot take cash over the phone.”

Caller: “But I have cash! My husband can tell you I have it right here!”

Me: “I believe you, but there is no way for me to accept your cash unless you come to the store in person. You are welcome to do that. Pre-paying is an option, not a requirement.”

Caller: “I want to pay now!”

(This continues for several minutes, until she finally decides to speak to my manager. Ultimately, she cancels the order, demanding that our company becomes more willing to accommodate multiple methods of payment in the future!)

(I am typing and try to input a Euro symbol, usually Ctrl-Alt-4. It doesn’t work. Instead it somehow changes my keyboard format from Irish to US. My fiancé works in IT repair and tech support.)

Me: “[Fiancé’s Name]…”

Fiancé: “What?”

Me: “I somehow managed to change my keyboard to US format.”

Fiancé: “Click ‘start.’”

(He talks me through the change.)

Me: “Thank you.”

Fiancé: “What good am I to you if I can’t do tech support?”

Me: “And that’s why we can never really get divorced!”

Fiancé: “Because you don’t want to pay for support?”

Me: “Yep!”

(I work at a healthcare call center that does appointments for doctors. One of my coworkers is notorious, as the patients she deals with tend to have a lot of scheduling errors. She always insists that the patient or doctor screwed up. I have been recently promoted to a supervisor. One of my jobs is listening to a recording of one of her calls that got flagged.)

Coworker: “Hello, ma’am. What can I do for you?”

Patient: “I remember you. I called you yesterday to cancel a hip surgery that I never scheduled with Dr [Name].”

Coworker: “Well, that can’t be. I see your appointment right here. Are you sure you didn’t leave a message at the doctor’s office by mistake?”

Patient: *annoyed* “NO. I spoke to YOU directly. You swore that you would fix the doctor’s mistake. In fact, it was the third time I called to cancel the appointment and you were the one I talked to all three times. Now, can you please transfer me to someone who can fix this?”

Coworker: *very nasty* “Listen up, you old bat. Just admit you had a bout of dementia and called the wrong place. I’m not going to sit here and listen to a bunch of stupid accusations.”

(My coworker hangs up, which we’re specifically instructed not to do unless the patient is belligerent and incredibly rude. Curious, I call the patient and she is able to provide me the dates and hours she called previously. I am able to find recordings of the previous calls. They all have my coworker promising the patient that everything would be taken care of and she had nothing to worry about since it was the doctor’s mistake. Luckily, part of my promotion meant I could report her directly to management. She was fired within a week when it was discovered this was hardly the first case!)