(My girlfriend and I have been together for two years now. She’s well aware that my dad, my brother, and I all absolutely love bad jokes and puns. We’re talking about naming stuffed animals.)

Me: “The only stuffed animal I ever named was my Christmas bear, ‘Hyber’.”

Girlfriend: “‘Hyber?’ That’s a weird name.”

Me: “And my brother named the other bear, ‘Nate.'”

Girlfriend: Are you serious?

Me: “‘Hyber’ and ‘Nate’… get it?”

Girlfriend: “At least your mom is normal.”

Me: “You don’t know what she named her Christmas stuffed reindeer… it’s Olive.”

Girlfriend: “How’s that weird?”

Me: *I start singing* “Olive, the other reindeer, used to laugh and call him names. She never let poor Rudolph—”

Girlfriend: “I take it back; your whole family is strange.”

(I am a member of a card scheme which gets me unlimited free entry to movies. A few weeks ago, I lost my card and had to order a replacement for £10. I then lost the new card. Since I wanted to go to the cinema that night, I have to contact customer services.)

Customer Service: “Hello. [Cinema] customer service. How may I help?”

Me: “I lost my card. I’m going to the cinema this evening so I need a temporary pass.”

Customer Service: “Not to worry. I need your postal code and date of birth.”

Me: *gives them*

Customer Service: “Is your name [My Name]?”

Me: “Yes.”

Customer Service: “Good gracious! Is this the card we sent you a couple of weeks ago?”

Me: *embarrassed* “Yes. It is.”

Customer Service: “All right. I’ll just send a temporary pass to your mobile.”

Me: “Thanks. I’ll pay for the replacement on my next bill.”

Customer Service: “Oh, no. Don’t worry about that. I’ve waived the fee.”

Me: “What?!”

Customer Service: “You don’t have to pay a thing.”

Me: “Oh, my god! Thank you so much!”

Customer Service: “No problem. Happy Christmas!”

(It’s Christmas season, so the mall is jam-packed. I’m driving away from the bank which is not attached to the mall, but uses the same roads as the rest of the mall. Ahead of me is a car with two young ladies. Ahead of them, in the intersection, is a long-suffering police officer. Because of the heavy seasonal traffic he’s directing cars. At the bank’s driveway, also due to the seasonal traffic, cars are only allowed to turn right. There is a sign that states this quite clearly.)

Young Lady Driver: *turns on left turn signal*

Police Officer: *shakes his head and gestures right*

Young Lady Driver: *gestures left*

Police Officer: *shakes his head, points to sign, and gestures right*

Young Lady Driver: *gestures left*

Police Officer: *shakes his head, gestures right, and starts looking incredibly tired*

Young Lady Driver: *angrily gestures left*

Me: *HOOOOOOOONK*

Young Lady Driver: *turns right*

Police Officer: *smiles and waves at me*

Me: *waves back and turns right*

(My boyfriend and I are lying down watching TV. A commercial comes up for a $2,499 ring for the holiday season. I make a disgruntled noise at the number.)

Boyfriend: *looks at me, making a worried face* “Okay… I love you but I—”

Me: “NO! Just, no.”

Boyfriend: *gives me a confused look*

Me: “Please, PLEASE don’t spend that much on a ring for me if that happens. That’s just TOO MUCH for a ring!”

Boyfriend: “I know! Right!?”

Me: “Yes! I mean I don’t know if I could deny the ring if you’d bought it for that much, but I’d at least ask if you were sure? It is really not that necessary to get a ring THAT expensive!”

Boyfriend: *laughs* “What about one of those quarter machine rings with Cinderella on them?”

Me: “S***. Just get me a Ring Pop. At least I can eat that.”

(My sisters and I are all under the age of eight when my dad is invited to play Santa at my school’s ‘brunch with Santa.’ My parents spend a while planning how to keep my sisters and me from finding out, but the problem is soon resolved. My young sister finds a letter in our fireplace a couple weeks before the party.)

Letter:

“Dear [My Dad’s Name],

I’m writing to ask you a very big favor. I’ve received an invitation to be the guest of honor at a brunch that [Our School] is holding as a fundraiser. I would love to meet the kids and help the school earn some money, however, this is a very busy time of year for me (as I’m sure you can guess) and I won’t be able to make it. Since I’d hate to disappoint the kids, I’d like to ask you to dress as me and be my replacement at the brunch. You’ll need a suit and a hat, of course. Let me know if you have any trouble finding those. I know I can count on you to be as jolly and friendly with the kids as I would.

Thank you so much for your help. Tell [My Mom’s Name] and the girls I sent my wishes for a Merry Christmas!

Love, Santa

P.S. Make sure the girls know how important it is to keep the secret. I wouldn’t want any of their friends to stop believing!”

(As an added bonus, my sisters and I really did see Mommy kissing Santa Claus, for several years in a row!)