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A Dogmatic Timetable

| Working | December 18, 2013

Wellness & Essentials

| Working | December 18, 2013


Not So Sweet Humbugs

| RI, USA | Related | December 18, 2013

(Over the last few holiday seasons, our family has created a tradition of checking out the Christmas lights around the neighborhoods. One year we came up with the idea of giving the families of the three houses that we really like a holiday ‘sweet treat.’ After a short while, the boys decide on one particular house. They get out of the car, and walk up to the front door. I get out as well. I overhear the conversation between my oldest son and the elderly woman who answers the door.)

Son: “Hi, ma’am. Sorry to bother you, but my family and I are checking out the neighborhood’s Christmas lights. We really liked yours, so we’d like to give you—”

Elderly Lady: “No! I don’t want anything from you. Goodbye!”

Son: “Um, ma’am. We’re not trying to sell you anything. We just—”

Elderly Lady: “I don’t care what you want! Go away!”

Son: “But—”

Elderly Lady: “NO!”

(With that, she closes the door on them. Dejected, they come back to the car. My oldest, in particular, is really upset about it. I explain to my wife what happened.)

Wife: “Unbelievable. Don’t worry, guys. We’ll find some better houses.”

Son: *muttering* “Crusty b****.”

Wife: “Hey!”

Son: “Well, she was! What? I can’t have an opinion?”

Me: “We’re not disagreeing with you, kiddo. Express yourself a little more eloquently, that’s all.”

(We ride on in silence, and after a few minutes, I hear my oldest boy in the back.)

Son: *singing* “You’re a mean one, Mrs. Grinch.”

(My wife and I start laughing as his two brothers join in. Thankfully, the rest of the night went better. The other families we stopped at accepted our gift and thanked us warmly. The last house we picked was hands-down the best: a genuine Clark Griswold-type house with about a dozen inflatable displays in the front yard!)

Detached From The Punch-Line

| OK, USA | Related | December 18, 2013

(My husband and I decide to swing by his parent’s house one evening. When we walk in his dad is watching a “Saturday Night Live” Christmas special while his mom is in the kitchen. We all sit down and start talking about possible Christmas gifts.)

Father-In-Law: “I know what I’m going to get your mother. Step one: Cut a hole in the box…”

Husband: “They showed that?”

Me: “I feel weird knowing you saw that.”

Mother-In-Law: “What is it?”

Husband: “It’s a skit from Saturday Night Live. A guy cuts a hole in a box and then sticks his junk in there for the girl to find when she opens the box.”

Mother-in-Law: *after a few seconds of thought* “Is it still attached?”

The Father Of Misunderstandings

| Mounds View, MN, USA | Related | December 18, 2013

(I was with almost everyone from my father’s side of the family, at my grandmother’s home during Christmas. My nephew is about five years old at the time.)

Me: *casually* “Hey, Dad…”

Nephew: *to me* “You have a DAD?!”

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