(Earlier today I tried the Goldfish brand s’more cookies. It is now evening, and I’m telling my mom about it on the phone.)

Me: “So the Goldfish s’mores are pretty good, but the [Other Brand] ones suck. Don’t get them.”

Mom: “Gold… Oh, Goldfish! Like the crackers!”

Me: “Yes?”

Mom: “See, I just heard ‘goldfish s’mores,’ and I was wondering where between the wafer and the marshmallow you were supposed to stick the dead fish.”

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(The family is gathered around the table for Thanksgiving dinner. My mom is having an argument with my dad.)

Mom: “And you! After thirty years, you’ve got some kind of switch that lets you shut out everything I say!”

Dad: “Of course. Haven’t you ever seen me twist my wedding ring?”

(The teacher notices that our box of chalk for the blackboard is empty.)

Teacher: “[Student #1], could you please go to the office and ask for more chalk?”

Student #1: “Okay. Should I bring the colourful kind as well?”

Teacher: “No, just black-and-white.”

(Everyone starts laughing.)

Teacher: *confused* “Why are you laughing?”

(My son has managed to urinate on my phone. I towel dry it but it won’t turn on. I put it in a waterproof zipped bag and take it to the big superstore to buy another one. I approach the camera section since no one is in the phone section.)

Employee: “What can I do you for you today?”

Me: “Well, uh, my phone… Well, let’s just say it got wet.” *nervous laugh* “And, well, I was just wondering if you could follow me over to the phone section so I could buy another phone. I’ve already removed the SIM card and battery.”

Employee: “I’m going to need to see the back of the phone.”

(He proceeds to rub the back of the phone through the bag which, of course, is unsuccessful. He puts the bag down and moves to open it.)

Me: “NO! DON’T! My, uh. Well, my kid peed on it and I really don’t want you to touch it. I just want you to come with me so you can unlock the phone display so I can buy another one.”

(After hastily dropping the bag, the employee is now regarding me suspiciously.)

Employee: “How long ago did you buy your phone?”

Me: “Two months ago, I think. I didn’t purchase the warranty or anything. Again, could you please just come over and unlock the phone case? I just want to buy another phone. I’m just showing you the old one so you know which one I want.”

(The employee suddenly jerks back and starts looking at me like I’m a whole new species.)

Employee: “Wait, you want me to go unlock the phone so you can buy a new phone?!”

Me: “Um, yes? That is what I’ve been trying to get across to you this whole time.”

Employee: “You don’t want a free phone or an exchange? You really want to buy a new phone?!”

Me: “Last I checked you can’t get a free replacement for damaging your old phone with liquid damage so… yes? Just come with me.”

(I start making ‘follow me’ motions with my hands. After gazing at me warily the employee finally concedes to following me all the while mumbling in a very bewildered tone. We manage to find the exact phone I want and I purchase it. Towards the end an older employee walks up. As I walk off I hear the younger employee talking to the older one.)

Employee: “Dude, that lady just bought herself a new phone because she broke her old one! She didn’t complain! I didn’t get yelled at! Did that happen or am I hallucinating?”

Older Employee: *awed tone* “Whoa. That never happens.”

(My boyfriend and I are chatting on Facebook. He’s just posted a link to a really sad story that made me cry when I read it.)

Me: “Why do you want me to cry ALL THE TIME?!”

Boyfriend: “I… I didn’t want you to cry. But it was making me cry, and I like doing things with you.”