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Didn’t Get A Lecture

| Right | December 18, 2013

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Creating A Stink About It

| Cambridgeshire, England, UK | Working | December 18, 2013

(My boss, coworker and I car share. It’s a long drive. There is not enough space and it gets pretty unpleasant. Later in the day I find a quiet moment with my boss.)

Me: “Hey, boss. Can I have a word?”

Boss: “Sure. Let’s go to my office.”

Me: “It’s a bit of a sensitive subject, but it needs to be discussed.”

Boss: “Go on.”

Me: “There has been several comments about [Coworker]’s body odour. I wouldn’t normally mention anything, but it is actually making people feel sick.”

Boss: “Don’t worry. I’ll handle it. The last thing we want is him to be talked about behind his back. He probably doesn’t even realise.”

Me: “Thanks. I don’t think I could have brought it up the right way.”

(After a long day, we all get back into the car. By this point, even with the windows down, the smell is inescapable.)

Boss: “Oh, God! Which one of you stinks?! Somebody needs a wash. Is it you, [Coworker]? Or, how about you, [My Name]?”

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Love At First Foresight

| Traverse City, MI, USA | Working | December 18, 2013

(I’m meeting a girl at a local café. We both have mutual friends and I was coerced into messaging her for a date. She was running a little late, so I was very fidgety in my chair. One of the baristas notices and walks to my table. She is older and very tiny.)

Barista: “Let me guess. You have a date?”

Me: “Yeah. She’s late. I hope.”

Barista: “You hope? Of course she’s coming if there’s a handsome man waiting!”

Me: “That’s very nice of you! I’m just nervous because… she’s honestly the most beautiful girl I’ve ever seen. And not to sound pitiful, but I honestly can’t believe she wants to meet me in person.”

Barista: “Now, you better listen to me. My husband rattled off the same s*** you said: that I was too beautiful, he didn’t know why I chose him, yadda yadda. But you know what? I chose to get to know him because he had all the qualities that made me feel loved. And I wanted to make him feel loved in return. So if what she knows about you so far has lead her to think you might be capable of all that, then that’s an honor, kid. You’ll be fine.”

(My date walks in. The evening goes incredibly well. Five years later, she and I are engaged. We decide to go to the cafe where we first had a date to celebrate. We walk in and see the same barista, although we doubt she’ll recognize us.)

Barista: “Hello, and what can I get y— OH, MY GOODNESS! YOU TWO! Oh, my goodness. Is that a RING?!”

(My fiancée laughs hysterically. The barista affectionately punches my arm.)

Barista: “I told you so, kiddo!”

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Straightening Out The Stereotypes

| Brussels, Belgium | Working | December 18, 2013

(My sister is out having lunch with my wife. My sister is gay but looks very girly, while my wife has several piercings and very short hair. Their male server takes a long look at my sister.)

Server: “Hey, babe. My shift ends in 15. Why don’t you ditch her and come have lunch on me?”

Sister: “Uh, no, thanks. Can we just order?”

Server: “Oh, come on! Look at her. You know this [lesbian slur] just wants to get in your pants right?”

Sister: “As opposed to you? She is actually married to my brother, if you must know. I, however, am a [lesbian slur], and not interested in your scrawny a**. Though I doubt you’d get any girls using a method like that. Come on, [Wife’s Name], let’s have lunch elsewhere.”

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The Bank Isn’t Quite On The Money

| Los Angeles, CA, USA | Working | December 18, 2013

(I tend to check my bank balance frequently. One day I see that I have a $10,000 deposit to my account! It is clearly a mistake. I call the bank.)

Bank: “Yes, I can see the deposit. It’s been made in the bank with a handwritten deposit slip. The person must have written down the wrong account number.”

Me: “But I have an ‘ATM only’ bank account. I haven’t been inside the bank. I couldn’t have made that mistake.”

Bank: “Leave it with me. I will straighten it out.”

(When I got my bank statement, I see that they had charged me $3 for making a ‘non-ATM’ deposit! That’s the ‘thanks’ I got for returning the $10,000!)

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