Me: “Hello, ma’am! How are you doing today?”

Customer: “Oh, just fine. Thanks. Last minute preparations. Are you ready for Christmas?”

Me: “I suppose you can say that.”

Customer: “What do you mean?”

Me: “Well, I don’t celebrate Christmas. So I’m always ready for it, in a way.”

Customer: “What?! Why don’t you celebrate Christmas?”

Me: “I’m not Christian.”

Customer: “What?”

Me: *a little slower* “I’m not Christian.”

Customer: *louder* “What?”

Me: “I’m an atheist.”

Customer: *near shouting* “I’m just not understanding!”

Me: “I don’t believe that any god exists.”

Customer: “WHAT? I JUST AM NOT UNDERSTANDING!”

Me: “…I celebrate Christmas.”

Customer: *in normal volume* “Well, of course, dear. Everyone does! Merry Christmas and God bless!”

(She gives me a jaunty wave and heads out if the store. My bagger turns to me.)

Bagger: “Am I in crazy-town?”

Me: “Apparently we’re in Bethlehem.”

(I’m with my mom, trying to explain a joke where Santa is playing Scrabble with his reindeer, and the only available word to play is ‘venison.’)

Mom: “I just don’t get why it’s funny.”

Me: “Because deer are only called venison when you’re about to eat them. These deer are Santa’s friends. Hence, the ‘funny.'”

Mom: “Okay. I think I get it, but do we really only use venison when talking about food?”

Me: “Gee, those venison sure are having fun, frolicking in the field.”

Mom: “You made your point. Why do we even call it venison, though? We don’t invent special words for other animals, like beef.”

Me: *sarcastically* “Gee, that beef sure is having fun, frolicking in the field.”

Mom: “Shut up.”

(My boyfriend and I are lying down watching TV. A commercial comes up for a $2,499 ring for the holiday season. I make a disgruntled noise at the number.)

Boyfriend: *looks at me, making a worried face* “Okay… I love you but I—”

Me: “NO! Just, no.”

Boyfriend: *gives me a confused look*

Me: “Please, PLEASE don’t spend that much on a ring for me if that happens. That’s just TOO MUCH for a ring!”

Boyfriend: “I know! Right!?”

Me: “Yes! I mean I don’t know if I could deny the ring if you’d bought it for that much, but I’d at least ask if you were sure? It is really not that necessary to get a ring THAT expensive!”

Boyfriend: *laughs* “What about one of those quarter machine rings with Cinderella on them?”

Me: “S***. Just get me a Ring Pop. At least I can eat that.”

(My sisters and I are all under the age of eight when my dad is invited to play Santa at my school’s ‘brunch with Santa.’ My parents spend a while planning how to keep my sisters and me from finding out, but the problem is soon resolved. My young sister finds a letter in our fireplace a couple weeks before the party.)

Letter:

“Dear [My Dad’s Name],

I’m writing to ask you a very big favor. I’ve received an invitation to be the guest of honor at a brunch that [Our School] is holding as a fundraiser. I would love to meet the kids and help the school earn some money, however, this is a very busy time of year for me (as I’m sure you can guess) and I won’t be able to make it. Since I’d hate to disappoint the kids, I’d like to ask you to dress as me and be my replacement at the brunch. You’ll need a suit and a hat, of course. Let me know if you have any trouble finding those. I know I can count on you to be as jolly and friendly with the kids as I would.

Thank you so much for your help. Tell [My Mom’s Name] and the girls I sent my wishes for a Merry Christmas!

Love, Santa

P.S. Make sure the girls know how important it is to keep the secret. I wouldn’t want any of their friends to stop believing!”

(As an added bonus, my sisters and I really did see Mommy kissing Santa Claus, for several years in a row!)

(My family and I are at a church Christmas dinner the day after my birthday. A couple of women are leading carols and they start to sing ‘Happy Birthday’. Oblivious to the fact that my brother arranged for them to sing to me, I sing along.)

Everyone: “…happy birthday, dear [My name]!”

Me: “Oh!”

Brother: “Well, that wasn’t what I planned.”

Everyone: “…happy birthday to you!”

Me: “I totally thought we were singing happy birthday to Jesus!”