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Customer Engagement At An All Time High

, , , , , , | Right | December 17, 2013

(A regular customer comes in every Thursday night without fail. She comes in to see what new jewellery we have in stock. On this day, her boyfriend has come into the store at about 1 pm. He specifically asks for me.)

Boyfriend: “Hi, [My Name]. As you know, [Regular Customer] will be coming in tonight. I need your help to find her the most perfect diamond engagement ring. I don’t want to ask her what she wants. I want her to choose. But… I don’t want her to know. Can you help me?”

Me: “Oh, absolutely! I’ve already got some ideas! Now, when you come in tonight, please just act normal. Then play along, okay?”

Boyfriend: “Okay! I knew you could help me with this!”

(I go speak with my manager and explain everything. She agrees that I can help. Approximately six hours pass. I see the regular customer walking into the store, with her boyfriend behind her. She does her normal look around the store. I’m standing behind the diamond ring section, pretending to clean some of the rings. She eventually makes her way to my section.)

Me: “Good evening, [Regular Customer]. Come to admire our jewels again?”

Regular Customer: “This is like Nirvana for me! I absolutely love this store. Always nice staff and nice jewels!”

Me: “And, as always, it’s lovely to see you again.”

(The boyfriend is looking a little green at this stage. I know the nerves are really starting to kick in.)

Me: “Here’s a new diamond ring that came in today.”

(I hand her the diamond ring, and she is admiring it.)

Regular Customer: “Nope. Doesn’t do anything for me.”

(I find a couple of other new rings and show them to her.)

Me: “What about these? Any of these catch your eye?”

Regular Customer: “Not really. I’m such a fusspot!”

Me: *taking a chance* “Would you like to see a ring on your finger?”

Regular Customer: “Oh… That’s pretty! I like that one!”

Me: “Good choice! It even has matching wedding bands, so you will be able to have the whole set.”

Regular Customer: “I like that. Less hassle before a wedding!”

(I take the ring from her and give it another polish. I stand back a little and watch what I know is about to happen.)

Boyfriend: “So, this one?”

(In a split moment, the boyfriend gets down on one knee. He holds the ring up to her and asks her to marry him, right in front of me.)

Regular Customer: “Oh, my god! YES!”

(I now have tears in my eyes. The manager rushes over and dumps a whole heap of confetti on them both. I reach underneath my counter and present a champagne bucket with champagne on ice and two glasses.)

Regular Customer: “Oh, [My Name]. You knew all along! You knew he would do this! Thank you so, so much for helping him!”

Boyfriend: “How can I ever thank you?”

Me: “Just come back and get your wedding rings from me!”

(After the shock and excitement died down a little, we cracked open the champagne. We toasted the happy couple (my champagne was in a coffee cup!). They left about half an hour later. The couple returned to the store about an hour after leaving, with a HUGE arrangement of flowers and my favourite bottle of perfume. It most definitely made my day!)

Dad’s Game Plan

| Related | December 17, 2013

(I’m seven. My family’s just about to leave from watching my sister’s soccer practice. Since I think soccer’s boring, I have passed the time by playing her friend’s Game Boy. Now I’m jealous and I want one very badly. My parents are notoriously cheap, and never got us kids anything except socks and underwear for Christmas.)

Me: *excited* “Dad! You know what you can get me for Christmas?”

Dad: “What?”

Me: “A Game Boy!”

Dad: “No way.”

Me: *whining* “Why not?”

Dad: “Your grades haven’t been good.”

Me: “They’re average! Nothing wrong with being average. At least they’re not bad. C’mon, Dad. Please?”

Dad: “No. And, besides…”

Me: “Besides what?”

Dad: “It’s not made for you.”

Me: “Huh?”

Dad: “It’s called a Game BOY. It’s made only for boys.”

Me: “DAD!”

Dad: “If they come out with a Game Girl, I’ll get you one of those.”

Extra Cuddles Is No Sweat

| Romantic | December 17, 2013

(My girlfriend has just gotten home from practice and hasn’t showered yet. I try to cuddle her but she pushes me away.)

Girlfriend: “Stop. I’m gross right now.”

Me: “So? I don’t mind.”

Girlfriend: “No, [My Name]…”

(I finally get up and start working on something else. Ten minutes later…)

Girlfriend: “Hey. Why am I not being cuddled?”

Me: “You told me no, babe.”

Girlfriend: “Oh… Well, never listen to me about that. Come cuddle!”

Swearing By The Wrong Word

| Learning | December 16, 2013

(My friend’s son has gotten in trouble for swearing.)

Friend: “What did you say?”

Son: “No! Can’t say that.”

Friend: “Okay. What letter did it start with?”

Son: “It was the g-word!”

Friend: “The g-word? Spell it.”

Son: “G-O-B!”

Friend: “Is that really all you said? The punishment seems a bit harsh.”

Son: “Yeah. I only told the teacher to ‘shut her f****** gob’ and I got in trouble!”

Hard Core Herbivore

| Right | December 16, 2013

(It’s towards the end of the lunch rush. I am washing dishes in the back of our café. I overhear an exchange between a customer and a coworker.)

Customer: *very politely* “Could I have a vegetarian pastie, please?”

Coworker: “I’m very sorry, but I’ve just sold the last one.”

Customer: “So, there’s no vegetarian pasties?”

Coworker: “No, I’m sorry. But maybe you’d like to try—”

Customer: “FINE! I GUESS I’LL JUST F****** STARVE THEN!” *storms out*