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Not Going To Be A Virgin White Christmas

| Bemidji, MN, USA | Related | December 20, 2013

(My parents have just picked me up from college to bring me home for Christmas break. My dad is notorious for making teasing/trolling one-liner remarks, and my mom is always on my case to attend Zumba with her. Coincidentally, the place where her Zumba group meets is in the back room of a bar.)

Mom: “You should go to Zumba this week. I won’t be able to go, but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t.”

Me: “I’d really rather not go alone. I don’t know anyone there.”

Mom: “Sure you do!”

(My mom lists off a few people I only know by name.)

Mom: “Don’t worry. Everyone’s really nice and they’ll make you feel welcome.”

Dad: “Yeah, especially when they pull back the curtain and let the drunk old men watch.”

Me: *without missing a beat* “Only if I can accept tips.”

(My dad is left speechless, and my mom starts laughing.)

Mom: “Yeah, honey. She’s gotta pay for college somehow.”

(My dad mutters something under his breath while my mother and I give each other a high five and keep laughing.)

It’s Beginning To Smell A Lot Like Christmas…

| USA | Related | December 20, 2013

(My family go to my grandmother’s house to open even more Christmas presents. My grandparents have gotten us a trampoline, and are trying to get us to think that Santa has made a last minute delivery outside. That way, we can go outside and see our new trampoline.)

Grandma: “Hey kids! I hear something!”

Me: “What is it?!”

Grandma: “Shh! Listen!”


Brother: “…sorry, I pooted.”

Scientifically Deconstructing Santa

| Grand Rapids, MI, USA | Related | December 20, 2013

(My 22-year-old sister is driving me in to work. We’re discussing Bill Nye, a television host of a science education show.)

Sister: “It’s so awesome that he’s an actual scientist. It almost makes up for the Easter Bunny and Santa Clause.”

Me: “Wait, what?”

Sister: “You know, him being a real scientist makes up for the Easter Bunny and Santa not being real.”

Me: “I’m glad some part of your childhood could not be a falsification.”

Sister: “Yeah. I figured out really quick that the Tooth Fairy wasn’t real, but I learned to use that to my advantage.”

Can’t Have The Christmas Present, Presently

| England, UK | Romantic | December 20, 2013

Girlfriend: “You smell… nice.”

Me: “Hmm. Oh, thanks. Not wearing anything different than normal.”

Girlfriend: “It’s a bit …flowery, like perfume.”

Me: *it dawns on me* “Oh, crap.”

Girlfriend: “Something you want to tell me?”

Me: *sighs* “Yes, I suppose you would have guessed anyway. Before you finished work I picked out your Christmas present. It’s in that bag.”

Girlfriend: *finds the perfume* “Aw, thank you! It’s exactly the one I wanted. Can I have it now? Pleeeease?”

Me: “H***, no. You will have to wait!”

Girlfriend: “You’re so mean!”

Well That Dyed

| FL, USA | Romantic | December 20, 2013

(My husband and I are on our way home after participating in a race where people throw colored dye at participants. We are wearing shirts with the event name across the front.)

Me: “My shirt is completely covered in color! You can’t even see the words anymore. It’s like it says ‘run, blotchy thing, dye.'”

Husband: “I like to play with those blotchy things.”

Me: “Did you really just refer to my boobs as ‘blotchy things?'”

Husband: “That wasn’t a very good idea was it?”

Me: “No…”

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