(My girlfriend is kind of a ‘90s riot-girl. I´ve had a hard time giving her a ‘pet name,’ as everything just seems wrong. Calling her ‘baby’ or ‘honey’ makes me feel really uncomfortable, and she doesn’t like it much either. However, lately I’ve started making fun of the whole thing using a modified quote from her favourite movie, “Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas”. She thinks it’s awesome, so I keep using it. We are at a house party with a bunch of my friends. They all really like my girlfriend, and keep telling me to hold on to her.)

Girlfriend: “So, I’m getting another drink. Want one?”

Me: “No, thanks. I’m good.”

(My girlfriend gets up and walks towards the kitchen. I lift up my bottle of beer, only to realize that it is actually close to empty.)

Me: *shouting* “Hey! Sweetie, honey, baby, child, WHATEVER! Get me another beer!”

(At this point, ALL the people in the room have turned to me and are giving me the evil eye.)

Me: “NO! Wait! She… It’s an inside joke! She finds it funny!”

(Everyone is still glaring.)

Me: *to girlfriend* “Please…”

Girlfriend: *bursts out laughing* “MAN! I wish I could keep a straight face right now! Your friends would MURDER you!”

(My husband and I decide to swing by his parent’s house one evening. When we walk in his dad is watching a “Saturday Night Live” Christmas special while his mom is in the kitchen. We all sit down and start talking about possible Christmas gifts.)

Father-In-Law: “I know what I’m going to get your mother. Step one: Cut a hole in the box…”

Husband: “They showed that?”

Me: “I feel weird knowing you saw that.”

Mother-In-Law: “What is it?”

Husband: “It’s a skit from Saturday Night Live. A guy cuts a hole in a box and then sticks his junk in there for the girl to find when she opens the box.”

Mother-in-Law: *after a few seconds of thought* “Is it still attached?”

(I’m getting ready for work and my fiancé is still in bed.)

Me: “I would really rather stay here and cuddle with you than go to work.”

Fiancé: “You should stay. Come to the dark side; we have cuddles!”

Me: “I’m pretty sure that ‘cuddles’ is basically the opposite of the dark side.”

(I’m a big fan of Christmas music. I’m in bed with my boyfriend and can’t sleep. He is about to fall asleep. I start singing Christmas songs under my breath. It’s the last night of November.)

Me: “We wish you a merry Christmas, we wish you a merry Christmas—”

Boyfriend: “For goodness sake! It’s not even December yet.”

Me: “It will be if I keep singing for a couple more hours!”

(My boyfriend covers his head with a pillow. I stop singing, realizing that it’s bothering him. Then he gets out of bed and leaves the room. He comes back with my Christmas hat and sexy red baby doll slip.)

Boyfriend: “Keep singing, ‘Santa Baby.’ But make sure you dress the part. We need to start this Christmas season right.”

(I am in social studies class with a teacher who is adamant about getting us involved in politics.)

Teacher: “Raise your hand if you’re voting in the election tomorrow.”

(A few students raise their hands, but I don’t.)

Teacher: “[My Name]! Why aren’t you voting? You’re old enough. You should go out and vote instead of sitting around on your butt watching TV and playing videogames! What kind of world am I leaving to you people? You can’t even be bothered to vote—”

Me: “I went to an advanced poll a week ago, sir.”

Teacher: “Oh…”