(My boyfriend and I are getting lunch from the deli. Standing next to me is a customer, ordering a sandwich from a different worker.)

Customer: “Do you speak English? How many times do I have to tell you? No cheese!”

Deli Worker: “Alright, ma’am.”

Customer: “Why is this taking so long? Hurry up!”

Deli Worker: “I’ll have your order done shortly.”

(The bread on the sandwich breaks, and the employee looks panicked.)

Deli Worker: “Would you like me to remake your sandwich?”

Customer: “Just put the d*** thing in a bag so I can go!”

Deli Worker: “Are you sure?”

(The customer turns to me.)

Customer: “Does anyone speak English in this place?!”

Me: “There is no reason to be so rude.”

Customer: “But he asked me if I wanted cheese! I wrote down ‘no cheese’ and he still asked me!”

Me: “So what? Ma’am, he is trying his best, and being patient with you. You need to calm down.”

Customer: “This is ridiculous! What is wrong with you people?”

(I reach up to gather my order, which is now ready.)

Customer: “D*** it, look at me when I’m talking to you!”

Me: “No, thank you.”

(I give the employees a huge grin.)

Me: “Thank you so much! Have a wonderful day, guys!”

Customer: “Why doesn’t anyone speak English?!”

(Both deli workers give me an appreciative smile. The one that made my food runs over to the register and puts a sticker on my plate; my lunch is free!)

(A shipment of bearded dragons has just arrived at the store, and I’m placing them into the designated habitat when a customer walks up.)

Customer: “Excuse me, what are those?”

Me: “They’re baby bearded dragons.”

Customer: “Are those considered lizards or dragons?”

Me: “Uhh… they’re lizards, sir.”

Customer: “Oh. Okay.” *walks off disappointed*

(I am closing the ticket counter for the night. Our airline believes very strongly on flights leaving on time, and as such have a strict thirty-minute cutoff policy. Anyone arriving at less than 30 minutes to departure will not be allowed to check-in. It is 27 minutes to the last flight’s departure, and a man comes running to the counter, where my coworker and her trainee are still at an open computer.)

Passenger: “I need to check-in for this flight!”

Coworker: “I am really sorry, sir, but unfortunately you are too late to make your flight. I will be glad to rebook you for a flight tomorrow. May I see your ID?”

Passenger: “What do you mean I’m too late? The flight doesn’t leave until 9 pm!”

Trainee: “Yes sir, but we have a 30 minute cutoff for check-in, and it’s 8:33 pm.”

Passenger: “It’s only three minutes!”

Trainee: “Yes, sir, but you still have to get through security. We want the other 131 passengers on the plane to leave on time.”

Coworker: “I’m very sorry, sir, but it is too late. As I said, I would be glad to book you on a different flight tomorrow.”

Passenger: “Your airline is stupid! I got your stupid credit card because I thought you would respect loyalty! It’s the last flight of the night and I’m going to be f****** stuck here until tomorrow!”

(The passenger continues to get increasingly angry and starts yelling obscenities. Everyone around, including the employees of airlines next to us, are staring. He is waving the credit card around.)

Passenger: “Fine! Rebook me for tomorrow! And give me that stapler!”

(My coworker hands him the stapler. The passenger uses the stapler to split the credit card in half, then throws the pieces at my coworker.)

Passenger: “I will never fly your airline again!”

Coworker: “Sir, I have been trying to help you, but I won’t take this kind of abuse. Now, if you want me to continue, I will need you to stop. Also, I would like to inform you that your flight was actually for tomorrow.”

Passenger: *suddenly quiet* “Oh. My wife was supposed to call and change that.”

Coworker: “Well, she didn’t. Do you still want me to rebook you?”

Passenger: “Never mind. I’ll just call.” *leaves*

Trainee: “Wow.”

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(I work at a large call center for a major credit card company. About once a month, our managers sit with us and listen in on calls to help improve customer service.)

Me: “Thank you for calling [Company]; my name is [My Name]. May I have your name?”

Caller: “No.”

Me: “…All right. Well, do you have your account number, so I can assist you today?”

Caller: “I don’t carry that with me.”

Me: “Well, then, how can I help today?”

Caller: “I don’t know. You called me.”

Me: “Ma’am, I didn’t call you.”

Caller: “Yes, you did. How else would I be talking to you?”

Me: “Ma’am, did you dial our number?”

Caller: “Well, yeah.”

Me: “So technically you called us.”

Caller: “No, I didn’t!”

Me: “Okay, how can I help?”

Caller: “I guess you can’t.”

(The caller hangs up, and I look at my manager.)

Me: “Did that really happen?”

Manager: “I have no words.”

(I’m working behind the register counter that has glass display cases of knives, wallets, etc. Some are engraved with CSA—Confederate States of America, and USA—for the Union.)

Customer: *running up to the counter* “Oooh! Knives! Wait, what does ‘CSA’ mean?”

Me: “It stands for ‘Confederate States of America.’ Did you want to have a look?”

Customer: “No, I don’t want to buy. But, the Confederate states are the North, right?!”

Me: “No, not at all… ”

Customer: “Oh, oh well. But you know what’s strange? All these battles happened in national parks!”

Me: “Uh…”

Customer: “I guess that just made it easier to hide behind the monuments!”

Me: “I have to get back to work; have a nice day.”

(I get back to folding and stocking while the customer walks out with the smuggest look on their face, like they just gave me a history lesson.)

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