Archive for 2013

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Putting The Gas Into Gastronomic

| Vancouver, BC, Canada | Working | September 22, 2013

(Several of us are in the lunch room when we hear a coworker yelling in the hallway outside.)

Coworker #1: “You guys are all gross!”

(Coworker #1 comes into the lunch room.)

Coworker #2: “Hey, [Coworker #1], what’s up?”

Coworker #1: “Those guys are gross! You know what they’re doing? They’re trying to guess what each other had for breakfast!”

Coworker #2: “So what?”

Coworker #1: “No, they’re burping, and smelling each other’s burps!”

It Was April, Most Deaf

| WI, USA | Related | September 22, 2013

(My dad has been telling me a story about when he met a celebrity when he was a sophomore in high school.)

Me: “So how old were you, like 16?”

Dad: “No. So anyway, I looked at my sister and—”

Me: “Oh this was when you were 15?”

Dad: “No! I told you! No what don’t you understand? It was APRIL! Start listening and let me tell my d*** story!”

Me: “What? I just asked how old you were!”

Dad: “Oh, I thought you were asking if it was Halloween!”

Not On His Best Bee-Hive-iour

| FL, USA | Related | September 22, 2013

(My dad is visiting from California, and we’ve gone to a well-known coffee shop to chat. Dad absolutely hates waiting in lines, so he finds us a table while I order each of us a large coffee and a danish.)

Dad: “What’s that?”

Me: “What does it look like? It’s a danish.”

Dad: “What’s on it?”

Me: *taking a bite* “Cherries and honey and icing.”

Dad: “Honey? Blecchh!”

Me: “Since when don’t you like honey?”

Dad: “Since I found out what it really is!”

Me: “Yeah?”

Dad: “IT’S BEE PUKE! YOU’RE EATING BEE PUKE!”

(Everyone in the shop turns and stares at us.)

Me: “Y’know, I just remembered why I didn’t want to move to California with you.”

Like Mother, Not Like Daughter

| FL, USA | Romantic | September 22, 2013

Husband: *talking about our 18 month old daughter* “She helps me take off my boots, socks, and then puts the socks in the hamper!”

Me: “…she makes a better wife than I do.”

Husband: “Well, I wasn’t going to say anything…”

Totally A-Dory-ble

| Wichita, KS, USA | Romantic | September 22, 2013

(My long-distance fiancé and I are wrapping up a video chat.)

Fiancé: “Goodnight. I love you, and I will marry you. And you will be mine.”

Me: “And you will be my Squishy!”

Fiancé: *not missing a beat* “And if you call me that, I will tickle you until you pee.”

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