(I am at a store specializing in healthy foods, supplements, vitamins, and such. My friend is carefully browsing through the supplements.)

Employee: “Can I help you with anything?”

Friend: “I don’t think so. I can’t remember what I was looking for.”

Employee: *jokingly* “Wouldn’t it be funny if you were looking for memory aids?”

Friend: *gasps* “THAT’S IT!”

(I’m on a trip to India, and decide to eat at a local McDonald’s. In front of me is a pair of American tourists.)

Tourist #1: *in very bad Hindi* “Yes, I want a Big Mac.”

Cashier: “Sir, I understand English, if you would be more comfortable. So you want a Chicken Maharaja Mac?”

Tourist #2: “I thought you said you knew English? A Big Mac doesn’t have chicken, dumb-a**!”

(Hoping to speed this along, I decide to get involved.)

Me: “None of the McDonald’s in India offer beef. The local version of the Big Mac is made using grilled chicken patties instead. It’s actually pretty good.”

Tourist #1: “Man, who the h*** doesn’t eat beef?”

Me: “About one billion Hindus, most of them in India.”

(They both quietly place their orders, all the time mumbling about ‘pandering to locals.’)

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(I work guest relations for a large hotel chain. One of my duties is to cancel advanced purchase reservations, which have a non-refundable clause.)

Me: “Guest relations, my name is [name]; how may I help you?”

Caller: “Yes, I want to cancel my reservation.”

Me: “What is the confirmation number?”

(I pull up the account, and run the customer’s membership club information for case history.)

Caller: “Yes. My wife died suddenly, so I cannot make this reservation.”

Me: “I’m terribly sorry to hear about your loss, sir. Let me see what I can do for you. Since this is an advanced purchase, we would need a copy of your wife’s death certificate to verify her passing. I’m so sorry to ask for this.”

Caller: “It will be after the funeral that I can get that to you, but that is after the 24th.”

(The reservation is for the 24th this month.)

Me: “I see. May I place you on hold for a moment while I look into some options with the hotel?”

(After placing him on hold, I review past case history, noticing a lot of cancellations of advanced purchases. One thing seems common. They’re all for wives. All fairly recent, as well.)

Me: “Sir? Yes, thank you for holding. Sir, how many wives do you have?”

Caller: “WHAT!? WHY WOULD YOU ASK ME SUCH A QUESTION!? WHY WOULD YOU DISHONOR MY WIFE!?”

Me: “Well, you see, in looking up your membership information, I see that in the last six months you have cancelled eight advance purchase reservations, all of them stating your wife passed away. So how many wives do you have?”

Caller: “This is absurd! I want your manager!”

Me: “I am a case manager, sir, and I am not going to cancel this reservation, nor ask the hotel to honor a cancellation without you providing a death certificate. If she really has passed, then I certainly apologize and am very sorry for the loss, but unless you have been remarried seven times in the last six months, your wife has either passed away previously, and not suddenly as you claimed. Would you like our mailing address so that you can send in a copy of the death certificate?”

Caller: *hangs up*

(While studying at university, my brother visits me for a few days. We head home on the final night together, as I work weekends. My step-mother is asking my brother about the visit.)

Step-Mother: “So, does he cook his own meals?”

Brother: “Nah, he mostly fed me ready meals.”

Me: “I did not feed you ready meals!”

(There is expectant silence as my parents and brother look at me.)

Me: “I had to put the oven on and everything!”

(A woman approaches the register and sets down four half-eaten chocolate bars from our candy aisle.)

Customer: “I sampled these chocolates and didn’t like the consistency, so I don’t want them anymore.”

(The customer starts to walk away.)

Coworker: “Okay, well, I’m sorry about that, but you’re still going to have to pay for these.”

Customer: “But I didn’t like them!”

Coworker: “Right, but you can’t just take things without paying. What made you think that would be okay?”

Customer: “THEY WERE JUST SITTING IN MY CART! WHAT WAS I SUPPOSED TO DO?!”