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Pick The Chivalrous Side

| USA | Romantic | September 23, 2013

(A male friend of mine has invited me out. We are both 15, so his parents have to drive us. I walk to one side of the car, and he follows me. I think maybe he usually sits on that side, and so I walk to the other side of the car. He follows me again, and so I go back to the original side, and he follows yet again.)

Me: “What are you doing?”

Friend: “I’m trying to open the door for you!”

(I blame past experience for assuming chivalry is dead!)

The Hard Truth

| Mesquite, NV, USA | Romantic | September 23, 2013

(My wife and I are watching an obstacle-course game show. Several of the contestants say they need to use the bathroom, and one suggests just going in the water.)

Me: “Going in the water is hard. I remember trying as a kid in a lake, and I really had to push hard to pee.”

Wife: “I imagine it’s easier for girls. We don’t have to get a hard-on to go to the bathroom.”

Me: “Do you think I need an erection to pee?”

Wife: “Don’t you?”

Dating A Hick

| Canberra, ACT, Australia | Romantic | September 23, 2013

(My girlfriend loves it when I pay attention to her neck, but it’s coming into summer and she’s asked that I refrain from giving her hickeys so she doesn’t have to cover them for work. As it’s my birthday, and I like to give them, she tells me I’m allowed to leave one on her neck that must fade within a week. However, we end up having a very passionate morning and it leads to this exchange when we’re in the bathroom later.)

Girlfriend: *checking neck in the mirror* “You know how I said you could leave one hickey?”

Me: “Of course.”

Girlfriend: “Then why do I have several on each side of my neck? As in, I have a plural amount!”

Me: “Because you kept grabbing my head and trying to suffocate me with your neck.”

Girlfriend: “That doesn’t mean you had to leave a hickey there!”

Me: “Well if you just want one, hold still. I’ll connect the dots.”

Premarital Sex

| Romantic | September 23, 2013

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Witness Versus Witless

| USA | Learning | September 23, 2013

(I have a disabled friend who, due to a problem with her legs, can only walk very slowly. One day after gym, another girl is walking behind her and kicking her in the legs.)

Girl: “Hey, move, you stupid f***! Why are you so f****** slow? Move before I break your f******* legs!”

(I decide I’ve had enough.)

Me: “Hey you! Leave her alone! What’d she ever do to you?”

Girl: “Shut the f*** up before I beat your a** too!”

Me: “I don’t want a fight and neither do you. So I’m asking you nicely: leave her alone.”

Girl: “So, you want your a** kicked too? All right.”

(She kicks me and I elbow her. Within a minute, we’re in a full-blown fight, punching and kicking. I end it by punching her in the face hard enough to give her a bloody nose and busted lip.)

Girl: “Ooooooh! She busted my lip! OWOWOW! Help! Somebody help me! She’s a monster! She bullied me and she beat me up! HELP!”

(A teacher shows up due to all the commotion.)

Teacher: “What the h*** happened?”

Girl: “She was bullying me and she beat me up! I couldn’t defend myself!”

Teacher: “[My Name], I’ve never known you to do anything like that. Is this true?”

Me: “No, what happened is that she was kicking [friend] and threatening to break her legs. I asked her pretty nicely to stop, and she started swinging. I was just defending [Friend] and myself.”

Girl: “No she wasn’t! I was just minding my own business and she started hitting me!”

Classmate #1: “No, that’s not what happened! [My Name] is right. [Girl] was messing with [Friend] first. And she started hitting [My Name.]”

Girl: “That’s not true! Not true! She just beat me up! I wasn’t doing anything to the cripple!”

Classmate #2: “It IS true. And this b**** better stop lying before she gets a second bloody lip.”

(Of course, the teacher has to call for security and everyone involved is taken to the vice principal. After hearing the story and having witnesses say I’m right, the vice principal believes me.)

Vice Principal: *to me* “We don’t tolerate physical violence here, so I have to give you some sort of punishment. Yours will be… hmm… writing an essay on how to win a fight. It had better be well-researched.” *to Girl* “And you’re suspended for harassing a disabled student. Now go to the nurse and get out.”

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