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The Mother Of All Fears

| USA | Related | September 23, 2013

(My sister is taking skydiving for the first time. She has a fear of heights that she is trying to overcome. The class is on the plane, which is flying towards the appointed destination.)

Instructor: “Nervous?”

Sister: *quaking* “A little.”

Instructor: “Ah, don’t be. We’ve all been there the first time.”

(The plane reaches the place. The opens the hatch door.)

Instructor: “Alright, you go first.”

Sister: “M-me?”

Instructor: “Yes, you. Look, just think of your parents, like your mother. Just think about how happy she’ll be to see you soon.”

(Our mother has passed away the previous year, but before my sister could say this, the instructor PUSHES her out.)

Sister: “AAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”

(Fortunately she was okay, and still with us!)

I Sigh For Ice Cream

| Cranston, RI, USA | Related | September 23, 2013

(While out with my two-year-old daughter, she asks for ice cream. I decide to swing through the drive-thru at Wendy’s and get her a Frosty. I hand it to her in the back seat.)

Daughter: *looks at it and sighs deeply* “Well, that’s disappointing.”

The Height Of Delusion

| Victoria, BC, Canada | Related | September 23, 2013

(I’m hanging out with my cousin, who’s lamenting his singleness.)

Cousin: “I miss [ex-girlfriend]. Do you think she’d take me back?”

Me: “Uh… I doubt it. I think she’s a pretty different person now. Also, the last time I talked to her, she had a boyfriend.”

Cousin: “Yeah, I heard she hooked up with some old university buddy of hers. But I’m better than him.”

Me: “I’m not trying to put you down here, but what makes you say that?”

Cousin: “I’m taller.”

Bruce Wayne And The Recession

| BC, Canada | Related | September 23, 2013

(My brother and I are on the way out to the car after picking up some groceries.)

Brother: “Look! The Batmobile!”

(I look around excited as we are in a wealthy neighborhood. I see an old rusty Toyota with a Batman sticker on the hood.)

Me: “Ugh, maybe Ben Affleck’s Batmobile on a Miramax budget.”

The Zombie Family

| Related | September 23, 2013

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