(My hotel is the only one near a very busy pavilion. During concert season, we book up solid.)

Me: “Hello. May I help you?”

Caller: “Yes, I need a room.”

Me: “I’m sorry, but we have no more.”

Caller: “WHAT! You’re lying.”

Me: “I’m not.”

Caller: “Yes, you are. You have rooms left. Aren’t you still waiting on people to show up?”

Me: “Yes…”

Caller: “Well then, give me their room! I’m here, and they’re not!”

Me: “I can’t.”

Caller: “WHY NOT!”

Me: “Because they’ve reserved that room. I have to hold it for a few more hours. If they still don’t show until then, you may have it.”

Caller: “That’s stupid! You’re just being mean!”

Me: “No, what’s ‘mean’ is if I gave you their room that they booked. How would you like it if I gave one of your rooms that you booked?”

Caller: *blank stare*

Me: “Exactly…”

Caller: “You just lost some money!” *storms off*

(The reservation did show, so we didn’t.)

(The phone rings.)

Customer: “I need to get sand for my pool filter.”

Me: “Okie doke, how much sand do you need?”

Customer: “I don’t know.”

Me: “If you look on your filter, it will usually tell you how much it uses.”

Customer: “I’m looking at it right now. It doesn’t say how much it needs.”

Me: “Does it say anything on it at all?”

Customer: “Yes it has a serial number.”

Me: “What is it?”

Customer: “300-L-B-S.”

(I pause.)

Customer: “Does that help?”

Me: “I will have your sand ready to pick up in 15 minutes.”

(It’s important to note this takes place in Massachusetts, on the east coast of the USA.)

Tourist: “I’d like to get [coffee], and my daughter will have [more complicated coffee].”

Me: “Okay, that’ll be [amount].”

Tourist: “Oh, I left my money in my car. I’ll be back.”

(She leaves, and I am forced to move on to the next customer. Her daughter waits patiently for a good 15-20 minutes. Then her mother returns. She rudely interrupts another customer.)

Tourist: “Um, excuse me, WHY haven’t you made our drinks yet?!”

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, there was a line—”

Tourist: “I was here first! Now make our drinks, and I have to use your bathroom.”

Me: “I’m sorry; we don’t have a bathroom for customers.”

Tourist: “WHEN YOU PAY FOR STUFF IN RESTAURANTS IN NEW JERSEY, WHERE I’M FROM, YOU CAN USE THE F***ING BATHROOM! GOD! This is why I NEVER come to the east coast!”

(The tourist and her daughter depart, much to the dumbfounded disbelief of the customers remaining. I exchange glances with a customer.)

Me: “…doesn’t she know New Jersey is on the east coast?”

(I am at a store specializing in healthy foods, supplements, vitamins, and such. My friend is carefully browsing through the supplements.)

Employee: “Can I help you with anything?”

Friend: “I don’t think so. I can’t remember what I was looking for.”

Employee: *jokingly* “Wouldn’t it be funny if you were looking for memory aids?”

Friend: *gasps* “THAT’S IT!”

(I’m on a trip to India, and decide to eat at a local McDonald’s. In front of me is a pair of American tourists.)

Tourist #1: *in very bad Hindi* “Yes, I want a Big Mac.”

Cashier: “Sir, I understand English, if you would be more comfortable. So you want a Chicken Maharaja Mac?”

Tourist #2: “I thought you said you knew English? A Big Mac doesn’t have chicken, dumb-a**!”

(Hoping to speed this along, I decide to get involved.)

Me: “None of the McDonald’s in India offer beef. The local version of the Big Mac is made using grilled chicken patties instead. It’s actually pretty good.”

Tourist #1: “Man, who the h*** doesn’t eat beef?”

Me: “About one billion Hindus, most of them in India.”

(They both quietly place their orders, all the time mumbling about ‘pandering to locals.’)

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