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Getting Chesty

| Wyoming, MI, USA | At The Checkout, Underaged

(I work in a local chain tobacco store. I am in my 40s. A very young looking man comes in my store with a small child.)

Customer: “Can I get a pack of [Brand] cigarettes?”

Me: “Can I see your ID?

Customer: “I left my wallet at home.

Me: “I’m sorry, but the law requires I ask for a valid picture ID. No ID means no sale.”

Customer: *testy* “I have a four-year-old kid! I think that proves I am old enough to buy cigs!”

Me: “Even kids too young to smoke can make a baby.”

Customer: *literally rips his shirt open* “For Christ’s sake I HAVE CHEST HAIR!”

Me: “Yup. You have about a dozen of them. Congrats.”

(The customer takes the child’s hand and storms out, cussing and complaining about me being rude.)

Gives New Meaning To ‘Phone Bill’

| MD, USA | Extra Stupid, Money, Technology

(A customer calls up asking to order reprints over the phone. She is very pleasant and the order is completed smoothly. She indicates that she would like to pay over the phone, which is fine. I go to the front phone and register to take her information and ring her out.)

Me: “Okay. Your total comes to [total] with tax.”

Caller: “I have four $20 bills.”

Me: “I’m sorry. I don’t think I heard you correctly. How would you like to pay?”

Caller: “With cash. That way I can’t overspend. I have four $20 bills to use.”

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am. I cannot take cash over the phone. We take all major credit cards, or you can pay by cash when you pick up your order.”

Caller: “No. This is ridiculous. You’ll be busy when I pick it up. I just want to pay now and get it out of the way.”

Me: “I understand. We accept all major credit cards. I am ready whenever you are to complete the sale.”

Caller: “I’m not giving you that! You’re just trying to steal my credit card! I want to pay cash!”

Me: “If you would like to pay cash, you can come in and pay when you pick up the order. I cannot take cash over the phone.”

Caller: “But I have cash! My husband can tell you I have it right here!”

Me: “I believe you, but there is no way for me to accept your cash unless you come to the store in person. You are welcome to do that. Pre-paying is an option, not a requirement.”

Caller: “I want to pay now!”

(This continues for several minutes, until she finally decides to speak to my manager. Ultimately, she cancels the order, demanding that our company becomes more willing to accommodate multiple methods of payment in the future!)

Giving Him A Good Dressing Down

| Chicago, IL, USA | Bad Behavior, Food & Drink, Health & Body, One-Liners

(I am bartending. A nicely dressed couple in their 20s comes in and order drinks at the bar. They’ve been polite and quiet. The woman is on the heavier side, but still quite cute in her skirt. When the woman’s boyfriend goes to the restroom, a rowdy customer in a polo shirt, who has been obnoxious all night, approaches the bar.)

Rowdy Customer: “Hey! Hey! I need another gin and tonic! Hey!”

Me: “I’ll be right with you. Just let me fill this order.”

(As I’m filling the other order, I look up and see the rowdy customer eyeing the woman. He leans onto the bar while staring at her.)

Rowdy Customer: “Hey, you.”

(The woman ignores him, and turns slightly away.)

Rowdy Customer: “You know, a pig in a dress is still just a pig in a dress!”

(At this point, I’m speechless. I see the woman’s face turn from a smile into an extremely angry frown. Before I can say anything, the woman turns towards him.)

Woman: “Yeah, and you know, an a**hole in a polo is still just an a**hole in a polo!”

Rowdy Customer: “I… what?”

Me: “You can pay up and get out of here for harassing other customers. That’s what!”

Rowdy Customer: “This is bull-s***!”

(The rowdy customer leaves some money on the counter and storms out. I turn to the woman.)

Me: “Hey, that was the best thing I’ve heard all night! Can I get you and your boyfriend the next round?”

(She smiles and accepts, ordering a drink for herself and her boyfriend. Her boyfriend comes back after everything has quieted down.)

Me: “Here’s your free round. Really, that was a great come back! It made my day!”

Woman: “Thanks!”