Archive for 2013

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Fighting Sleep With A Battle Cry

| Los Angeles, CA, USA | Related | September 25, 2013

(My toddler niece is strapped in her car seat, fighting sleep.)

Niece: “Mommy pick up! Mommy pick up! Mommy pick up!”

(Suddenly it’s quiet, so I look in the back seat. My niece opens her eyes really wide and yells.)

Niece: “Baby wake up!”

(Then she collapses into a sound sleep.)

Talking To Faceless Voices

| Australia | Related | September 25, 2013

(My sister has recently deactivated her Facebook account to see how long she can last without it.)

Me: “You know, I look really crazy now since all your comments have been deleted. So where we’ve been talking, it now looks like I’m just talking to myself.”

Sister: “Really? There’s going to be so many crazy-looking people now. Awesome.”

I’m With The Skater Boy

| Borup, Denmark | Related | September 25, 2013

(My nine-year-old son is teaching me how to roller-skate. It is the day after the first lesson.)

Son: “Mom, tonight it won’t be the fat and friendly coach helping you.”

Me: “The fat and friendly coach?”

Son: “Yeah, that was me yesterday. Tonight is the evil and mean drill sergeant!”

Me: “Okeeeey…”

Son: “That’s ‘Sir, yes Sir!’ to you, lady!”

Game, Set, Match

| Boston, MA, USA | Romantic | September 25, 2013

(I have been away from home for three days on a business trip. I get home really late, and have to dress up for a big meeting in the morning. My husband makes it a point to comment on how I look and all the things he wants to do with me when I get home. Working late, I come home to an empty house, and a text that he has gone to the grocery store, so I start playing a video game. I’m still playing when he gets back.)

Husband: “What’s this!? We haven’t had sex in almost a week! We have all these plans, and you’re sitting here playing a video game!”

Me: “I’m sorry. You weren’t home; I needed to de-stress.”

Husband: “Do you have any idea how hurtful it is to miss you, not be able to be with you, and when we finally have a chance to spend time together, you’d rather play your stupid game!?”

Me: “Oh, my God! I’m sorry! I didn’t realize it was such a big deal; I’m shutting it off, see? Come over here and I’ll try to make it up to you.”

Husband: “Actually, can you turn it to ESPN?”

Me: *incredulous look*

Husband: “What? There’s a game on, and one of the running backs is on my fantasy team!”

Divorced From The Idea

| CA, USA | Romantic | September 25, 2013

(I am in my philosophy class. There is a girl who, while really sassy, is not super social. One of the more obnoxious boys in class has managed to get her to give him a high-five.)

Boy: “That’s like the friendliest thing she’s ever done.”

Boy’s Friend: “Ooh, the two of you make a cute couple.”

Boy: “True love, right here.”

Boy’s Friend: “The two of you are going to get married. Calling it right now.”

Boy’s Friend #2: “[Boy’s name] and [girl’s name], 2014!”

Boy: “Hey, [teacher’s name], can you marry us?”

(This goes on for a while until the teacher manages to calm things down. On this particular day, the teacher is talking about different worldviews and, to compare them, he is discussing their views on divorce.)

Teacher: “So, I know none of you are married—”

Boy’s Friend #2: “Hey, they are!”

Teacher: “Right, so if the two of you were to get a divorce, say like you were fighting—”

(The boy feigns sadness. The girl, meanwhile, has been getting embarrassed by the whole thing.)

Girl: “For Pete’s sake, why are we still talking about this? Besides, I would never divorce him; I’d just murder him.”

(That at least got the teacher to drop it!)

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