(I am working drive-thru, taking orders alongside two of my coworkers.)

Me: “[Coworker #1], did you make those shakes?”

Coworker #1: “Of course I didn’t! Why would you even ask?”

Me: “Uh… okay. [Coworker #2], ask the customer to pull forward and someone will bring it out.”

(A little time passes, but we are too busy for me to leave my station.)

Me: “[Coworker #1], did you make those shakes yet?”

Coworker #1: “I’m a little busy here if you haven’t noticed! I’ll make them in a second. You pulled them up, so they can wait a while.”

Me: “Okay, I was only asking because I can’t make them.”

(My coworker mumbles something and leaves her station, leaving my second coworker and me on our own. About ten minutes later she comes back.)

Coworker #1: “Oh my God, [my name]! Why haven’t you made those shakes yet?! I swear to God you are so lazy!”

(My manager hears this, and stomps up behind her.)

Manager: “Don’t you yell at her! She has been diligently doing her job while you stood in the break room watching TV! You are supposed to be making the drinks. That includes ice cream and shakes. Now go make them and take them out to customer!”

Me: “For the love of my sanity, please don’t send her back here. We are better off without her.”

Manager: “Don’t worry. I’ve got it covered.”

(An hour later when I am running to my car, I see my coworker sweeping the entire lot in the rain.)

(I’m calling the security company who responds when an alarm goes off at my workplace. They apparently have had some trouble getting in to our building, and I’ve checked their keys to make sure they fit.)

Me: “Hi, I’m [my name] with [company]. My security code is [code]. I’m calling about the keys to our building; you’d apparently had some trouble getting in a couple of weeks ago.”

Security Guard: “Okay. Well I can’t give you any information about that, because you don’t have the proper authorization code.”

Me: “I know; I don’t need information. We had a couple of false alarms here, and the guards said the keys didn’t work, so we brought the keys back to make sure they fit the locks. I’m calling to tell you that the keys are fine.”

Security Guard: “I can’t give you that information.”

Me: “I don’t need information; I already know what happened and what’s going on. I just—”

Security Guard: “Well, I can’t confirm anything about the keys. You’re not authorized.”

Me: “You don’t need to tell me anything, as I already know what’s going on, and am touching the keys right now. They are in my hand.”

Security Guard: “I really can’t give you any information because you’re not authorized.”

Me: “It doesn’t matter. I know what happened. I just called to tell you that the keys work just fine, and someone from here will drop them off at your office this week.”

Security Guard: “Oh. Just make sure you send someone with the proper authorization!”

(I’m a secretary for a high end security firm that hires bodyguards out to wealthy businessmen and celebrities. Today, we’re doing a hand-to-hand combat refresher course. Two of our new employees are a pair of former bodybuilders/bouncers. They have been quite belligerent after finding out the tiny, 5’1″ girl in front of them is getting paid far more than what they are.)

Guy #1: “Man this is bull-s***! Why the f*** would anyone pay that micro-b**** to guard them?”

Guy #2: “I know man; I bet she’s [company owner’s] daughter, or some stupid s***, and just sits in an office collecting a paycheck.”

Instructor: “[Guy #1]! So glad you’re willing to volunteer for our first demonstration. [Girl], will you please come up here to assist?”

Girl: “Sure thing, lets just get this over with.”

Instructor: “Okay then, [Guy #1] you’re a big strong guy. Your job is to stop the crazy fan-girl who will be played by [Girl] before she gets to the actor you’re protecting.”

(Guy #1 gets a cocky smile, and simply charges forward to grab the girl. He manages to get one hand on her shoulder when she lashes out, kicking one of his legs out from under him. As he stumbles, she pulls him towards her and flips him over her shoulder and into the mat, slamming him hard enough to kick up dust.)

Instructor: *looking down at Guy #1* “And this is lesson one: it doesn’t matter how big or small your assailant is, never underestimate someone. Oh, and since you and [Guy #2] were wondering why she makes three times what you do, this is why. Celebrities hire guys like you to stand in front of them and look scary; millionaire businessmen hire people like her if they want real security.”

(I work in a very high end grocery store, with many rich customers. I approach a lost-looking customer.)

Me: “Can I help you find anything today?”

Customer: “I doubt it; the last time I shopped here no one could help me find a d*** thing!”

Me: “Sorry about that, sir. I know where everything is, and I’m sure I can help you if you’d like.”

Customer: *sarcastic* “Oh really, you know where everything is?”

Me: “Yes, sir.”

Customer: “Pickles?”

Me: “Aisle 16B.”

Customer: “Note cards.”

Me: “17.”

Customer: “Anchovies.”

Me: “16B again.”

Customer: “Batteries.”

Me: “Next to register one.”

(This rapid fire Q&A goes on for five more minutes. I never mess up.)

Customer: “Alright smart guy, where are the shores of Tripoli?”

Me: “Libya.”

Customer: “Wow, I was just trying to throw you off there. How did you know that off the top of your head?”

Me: “I told you; I know where everything is.”

(I’m an IT tech, working on the computer in the tourist entrance to our college. As the college is rather old, and has featured in a certain series of wizard-based films, we have a lot of tour groups in the summer. I overhear this exchange between a tour guide and the tourist entrance manager.)

Guide: “Hi, I have a group of eleven people who’d like to look around. Can you tell me where the [wizard-film] was shot?

Manager: “Sure, it’s just around the corner, in the cloisters. Entry is £3 per person, unless they have university cards, or are seniors or students.”

Guide: “WHAT?! SINCE WHEN DID YOU START CHARGING? WE ONLY WANT TO SEE THE FILM LOCATION! I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU’RE CHARGING NOW! YOU’RE JUST GOUGING TOURISTS NOW YOU’RE FAMOUS! YOU NEVER CHARGED ME LAST YEAR!”

Manager: “I’m sorry, sir; we have always made a charge for vis—”

Guide: “THIS IS BULL-S***! I NEVER GOT CHARGED LAST YEAR! GET ME YOUR MANAGER, AND HE’LL TELL YOU THERE WAS NEVER A CHARGE!”

Manager: “I am the manager, sir, and as far as I am aware, we have always made a charge. If you like, I can look up when that was introduced for you, and see what it was then.”

Guide: “YOU DO THAT!”

(The manager comes inside, and goes through a long list of old ledgers on a shelf behind me. He takes the last one out to the guide.)

Manager: “Here we are sir. The earliest record of entry fees I have is for 1974. I can ring the archivist and see if she has any earlier records, if you wish.”

Guide: “…that won’t be necessary. £3 per person was it?”