(I work at a water park about 20 minutes from Mt. Rushmore, so we have a lot of tourism. We have a gift shop that also allows you to rent towels and lifejackets. In order to rent, you must keep your ID with us. This is so you can remember to return items rented. A tour bus pulls up with a group from the local reservation, as well as a family from another state.)

Tour Bus Customer: “Hi, I want to rent four towels and a lifejacket for my daughter please.”

Me: “Certainly! Let me get your daughter in this jacket, and it will $27 with $11 as the deposit. We also need to hold your ID until we get these back.”

Tour Bus Customer: “Sure, no problem.”

(The tour bus customer yells to his wife to give him his wallet and hands me cash and his ID. This goes on for another few groups from the bus, and finally the group from another state is left.)

Out-of-state Customer: “My family needs three towels.”

Me: “Sure! It will be $15 with $6 deposit, and your ID, sir.”

Out-of-state Customer: “What?! I most certainly will not! Your sign says $3 for rentals, and you will not have my ID, because that’s how identity theft happens.”

Me: “I could understand your concern, but I do not touch the IDs. They stay in this little safe under the counter to prevent that. I only open it to retrieve the IDs. As for the rentals, it does say $3, but there is an additional $2 deposit. I guarantee you your money back; the ID is just something to make you remember to bring our stuff back. If you truly are concerned, I could have my manager hold it, or I’ll make an exception and you could leave $20 and still get $11 back.”

Out-of-state Customer: “I most certainly will not do either. I expect to pay $9 and no higher. And my ID stays with me.”

Me: “I understand, really. But your ID is safe, and you have to pay a deposit or I can’t rent to you.”

Out-of-state Customer: “I will do no such thing!”

(At this point, the out-of-state customer is starting to get angry, and is sliding things from the counter to the floor.)

Tour Bus Customer: “Listen, sir, your ID is safe with the lady, and if you continue to disrespect her, you will be forced out off the area and banned from any lands around.”

(The out-of-state customer turns to face the tour bus customer, who stands at 6’6″, about 275 lbs, and all muscle. Luckily, I know him, as he is my uncle’s best friend.)

Out-of-state Customer: *stammers* “Uh, fine.”

(The out-of-state customer throws in the cash and his ID, and takes off into the park.)

Tour Bus Customer: “Let me know if he gives you any more trouble today.”

(Thankfully, I think the out-of-state customer was scared straight, as his daughter came back only for the ID, and told me to keep the deposit as a tip!)

(I am cleaning off my register, when I hear two customers arguing in my line.)

Customer #1: “I was here first!”

Customer #2: “No, I was!”

Customer #1: “I WAS! I was here literally five seconds before you, b****! It’s my turn!”

(Customer #2 rams her cart into Customer #1’s and gets ahead.)

Customer #2: “I win!”

(Customer #1 flips her off and goes to the next lane. I’m not really sure what to do, so I just start ringing up her groceries.)

Me: “And how are you today?”

Customer #2: “Oh, just fine! Can you believe the childish things people will do just to get ahead in line? I mean really!”

(I work in the beauty department.)

Me: “Good afternoon! Is there anything I can help you find today?”

Customer: “Well, I’m here to return something.”

Me: “That’s a shame. May I ask why you’re returning it?”

Customer: “Well I just didn’t like it.”

(There are only two ways we can return a product: if it’s defective, or if they have an allergic reaction.)

Me: “I’m very sorry you didn’t like the product. However, I am unable to return it at the time. Can I ask you how much did you use?”

(The customer hands me over the product and glares at me. I open the product to find that the entire thing has been used.)

Me: “Ma’am, the bottle is empty.”

Customer: “Well of course it is! I had to use it to find out if I liked it!”

Me: “You can’t return this product, as there is nothing there to return. It’s like bringing in a shoe box with no shoes in it!”

Customer: “Well, that just does not make any sense! You people should return this! I didn’t like it! This company is worthless!” *stomps off*

(I work in a call center making camping reservations for several state parks.)

Me: “Okay, are you looking for an electric or a non-electric site?”

Customer: “What’s the difference?”

Me: “Well, one site has electricity for you to hook an RV or a camper up to, and the non-electric has no hookups.”

Customer: “I don’t understand.”

Me: “An electric site has electricity. A non-electric site does not.”

Customer: “I still don’t understand.”

Me: “Um… an electric site has an outlet for you to plug things into. A non-electric site does not.”

Customer: “So… what’s the difference again?”

Me: *sighs* “Are you camping in a tent or an RV?”

(I ended up being on the call for 40 minutes. The customer continued asking me the difference between an electric site and a non-electric site.)

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(A car dealership just outside of Philadelphia is running an oil change special for $17.76. I overhear the following conversation at a convenience store.)

Customer #1: “[Car dealership] doesn’t make sense. $17.76 for an oil change. Don’t specials always have 99 cents in the end?”

Customer #2: “I know, it’s confusing! Probably just some number they pulled out of their a**!”

Clerk: “The Declaration of Independence was signed in 1776. Here. In Philadelphia!”

Customers #1 & #2: *blank stares*