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Santa Is Red

| Italy | Related | December 23, 2013

(It’s Christmas, and a left-wing leisure organization hosts an event in the local theatre. The children go on stage with a Santa Claus impersonator, who gives them small presents. The kids are encouraged to tell rhymes or sing songs. I’m three years old.)

Me: “I want to go onstage!”

Mother: “What on earth for? You’re too young!”

Me: “I want to go! I want a present too!”

Mother: “But you don’t even know a rhyme!”

Me: “I know a song! I want to go!”

Father: “Let her go. Let’s see what she does.”

(I join the queue with the other kids, and finally it’s my turn to be onstage with Santa.)

Santa Impersonator: “Well, well, here’s a very young lady. What’s your name?”

Me: “I’m [name], and I want to sing a song.”

Santa Impersonator: *handing the microphone to me* “All right. What are you going to sing?”

Me: “I’m going to sing The Red Flag!”

(I start singing the theme song to socialism. Part of the audience stands up and sings with me, part is scandalized, and the rest are rolling with laughter. My parents had not been aware that their neighbour, a former partisan, had taught me the song!)

Part Of The Marriage Tree-ty

| MN, USA | Romantic | December 23, 2013

(My husband and I have just pulled out our fake Christmas tree and are putting it up. We’re both working on fluffing out the branches.)

Me: “Man, your side looks so much better than my side!”

Husband: “I’m more anal about how the tree looks when it’s done.”

Me: “This is true. And you’re way more anal about the lights on the tree than I am!”

Husband: “Absolutely. In fact, in the interests of marital harmony, go sit down and let me do this myself.”

Bromancing The Stone

| Manchester, England, UK | Romantic | December 23, 2013

(Two of my male friends are basically soul mates. They have been best friends for almost their entire lives, and can quite easily finish each others thoughts and sentences. They’re completely secure in their sexualities, too. While they’re both straight, they sometimes appear to be a gay couple to people who don’t know them well.)

Friend #1: “So, [Friend #2], how about that girl you were chatting to earlier? She was pretty fit.”

Friend #2: “Yeah, but she was as dumb as a box of rocks. Can’t have sex with someone who can barely read.”

(A new friend in the group suddenly pipes up.)

New Friend: “Wait a sec. I thought you two were gay?”

Me: “Haha, yeah. They seem like that. They’re both totally straight.”

New Friend: “Oh… So why are they holding hands?”

(We all peer around the table to see that they are indeed holding hands. They look at their hands, then up at each other. Then they speak in unison:)

Both: “I don’t know who started this, but I’ll be d***ed if I let go first.”

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This Can Only Lead To Treble

| IL, USA | Romantic | December 23, 2013

(It is late at night. My boyfriend is doing music homework, and doing poorly due to tiredness.)

Me: “You’re going flat?”

Boyfriend: “It doesn’t come as natural to me. Accidentals happen.”

(Not being a student of music theory, I come up dry… or so I think.)

Me: “Music puns aren’t my forte.”

(I realize that ‘forte’ is actually a musical term.)
Me: “…pun not actually intended.”

Boyfriend: “Riiiiiiiiiight.”

Stand Next To Santa

| Romantic | December 23, 2013

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