(My husband and I move to a new apartment, and apply for a new landline number. Apparently, they give us what had been an acupuncture clinic’s number, because people keep calling to have appointments made.)

Me: “Hello.”

Caller: “Good morning, may I speak with Mr. [name] please?”

Me: “Uh, I’m sorry; you have the wrong number.”

Caller: “I’m calling from [retail company] to let Mr. [name] know that he has a debt with us, because he hasn’t been paying his [retail company] card bill for several months.”

Me: “I understand, but again, you have the wrong number. That person doesn’t live here.”

Caller: “Yes, but could you please pass the message to Mr. [name] so he can call us back?”

Me: “No, you don’t understand, this line was installed just last month. Mr. [name] does not live here, and neither I, nor my husband know him.”

Caller: “But this is the contact number that he gave us.”

Me: “I guess so, but we’ve got nothing to do with that person, or your company.”

Caller: “Okay, thank you.”

(The caller hangs up, and I think this is a one time thing, but I keep getting the same call every day for three weeks—including weekends. I call the company several times to try and clarify the issue, and I always get answers like ‘the problem has been solved, and we promise this won’t happen again’ but the only change is that we start getting pre-recorded notifications of the debt requests instead of calls from real people. I confirm that the address listed with the number does not match mine, but it doesn’t mean anything to them, and at some point they even accuse us of being accomplices for covering up for this person. One day, after almost a month we receive a call from an operator.)

Me: “Hello.”

Caller: “Good afternoon, may I speak with Mr. [name]?”

Me: “No, he doesn’t live here.”

(At this point my husband is really annoyed with the situation, and he grabs the phone.)

My Husband: “Yes, who is this?”

Caller: “I’m calling from [retail company] because Mr. [name] has a very large debt with us, and we want to have the situation cleared.”

My Husband: “Listen, I don’t know this Mr. [name], and I don’t care about his debt, but if you keep calling us, I’m gonna track him down personally, and together we’re gonna sue you!”

Caller: “Excuse me?”

My Husband: “Yes! For the last month your company has been harassing me and my wife every day and have been giving us unrequested details about this guy’s financial situation, and that is illegal! If you keep calling this number, I’ll find this Mr. [name] for you.”

(They hang up, and they never call again!)

(I live in DC, and often visit the Smithsonian museums. I also look quite young.)

Security Guard: “Hey, you! You’re not allowed in here!”

Me: “Why? Have I done something? I just walked in!”

Security Guard: “You have to be at least 16 to come in on your own.”

Me: “I’m 17, so I guess I’m fine then.”

Security Guard: “Uh, no, you’re not. Now walk back out before I detain you and call your parents.”

Me: “But I’m 17! Look, I can show you—”

Security Guard: “No.”

Me: “But look, I have my—”

Security Guard: “NO!”

Me: “But it can prove—”

Security Guard: “NO!”

Me: “Seriously? Will you please just—

Security Guard: “NO! No excuses! You’ve gone too far. Let’s go call your parents.”

Me: “As I was TRYING TO SAY: I have my driver’s license on me! Right here! See? I’m 17!”

Security Guard: “So you are. Well, you may proceed, ma’am, and welcome to the Smithsonian.”

Me: “…are you serious?!”

(I’m ringing up a customer at a store that specializes in Christian books and church resources. She has two coupons: one for 20% off everything, and one for 40% off a single item.)

Me: “…and with the coupon, your total comes to $18.95.”

Customer: “No, no, you didn’t use both my coupons. I have two here, see?”

Me: “I’m sorry, but I can’t use both of them on the same transaction. I used the 20% because it would save you more. You can hold on to the 40% to use another time.”

Customer: “No! You have to use both!”

Me: “Ma’am, it says that you can only use one coupon per item. The 20% covers everything in your order. It’s a better deal overall.”

Customer: “Liar! It doesn’t say that anywhere! The manager at your other location lets me do this all the time!”

Me: “No, he’s pretty strict about company policy. I’m positive he wouldn’t double up on coupons. Look here at the fine print: ‘Only one coupon per item.'”

Customer: “You are a filthy liar trying to cheat me out of my hard-earned money! What is your name?”

Me: “…my name, ma’am?”

Customer: “I’m going to report you to corporate and you’re going to lose your job! What is your name?!”

Me: “My name is [name], ma’am.”

Customer: “[Name], got it. You’re going to be sorry!”

(She snatches both her coupons away, and stomps toward the door. As she storms by the line of customers behind her, another customer pipes up.)

Other Customer: “What a lovely Christian attitude you had talking to that cashier! That’s DEFINITELY what Jesus would have done!”

(The angry customer goes beet red and flees. I never see her again, and no, she never called corporate to complain.)

(I’m shopping for pet supplies at my local store when I overhear a conversation.)

Customer: “Excuse me, miss?”

Employee: “Yes, ma’am? How can I help you?”

Customer: “My son’s gerbil just died. It was only two years old. He’s been completely miserable ever since.”

Employee: “Oh… I’m sorry about that. Did you want to look for a new pet? Our small animal section is right over here. We have hamsters, gerbils, guinea pigs—”

Customer: “Yes. But I don’t see much point in getting an animal that’s just going to die in two years. Don’t you have any animals that don’t die?”

Employee: “…excuse me?”

Customer: Animals… that… don’t… die. Do you have any?”

(The employee gives her a blank look.)

Customer: “Do you have them or not?!”

Employee: “Um, I’m afraid all animals die eventually, ma’am. There’s nothing we can do about that.”

Customer: “Fine! I’ll just go to [rival store], because you people have nothing but inferior products here!”

(The customer storms out of the store, leaving the bewildered associate standing there by herself. She makes eye contact with me from across the aisle, and we both start cracking up.)

This story is part of our Hamsters Roundup!

Read the next Hamster Roundup story!

Read the Hamsters Roundup!

(It’s almost dusk at the gift shop I am running at the southern rim of the Grand Canyon. A tourist couple approaches.)

Woman: “Where is the best spot to watch the Canyon at night?”

Me: “Well, anywhere along the walkway is good, but the sun’s going down very soon.”

Man: “Yes, we want to be here when they turn on the lights.”

Me: “…lights?”

Woman: “Yes, so we can see it at night.”

Me: “Umm, the Canyon is over a mile deep at this point, and the northern rim is over a mile across from here. There aren’t any lights in it for nighttime.”

Man: “Then how do you see it at night?”

Me: “…basically it’s the big blackness out there.”