(I’m with my dad, who is an army vet, and three of my friends. My family has no money right now, so my friends are paying.)

Waiter: “Here’s your bill. The couple over there paid for $50.”

Paying Friend: “What?”

Me: “What?”

Waiter: “They didn’t tell you?”

My Dad: “No, they didn’t.”

Waiter: “They saw your vet hat, and said that they’ll pay for $50.”

Me: “Faith in humanity is über restored!”

(To that couple who paid for most of our meal, thank you. Your actions did more than you know for not just my family, but my friends as well. You are saints among men.)

Customer: “Can you just crop the sides of this photo down for me?”

Me: “I’m sorry, but we’re not allowed to trim your property for any reason.”

Customer: “Not even if I sign a waiver?”

Me: “Unfortunately we’re no longer able to offer this service at all, since we’ve had customers try to sue us in spite of signing a waiver.”

Customer: “Well I’d sue you too, if you ruined my picture.”

Me: “…that’s precisely why we no longer offer that service.”

Customer: “Oh… right…”

(I’m about 10 years old. I’m coming out of a store, when a very obvious tourist couple confronts me. They have a kayak strapped to the top of their truck, and some skidoos trailered to the back. It’s summer.)

Tourist: “You! You can you help me!”

Me: “Umm, okay. What’s wrong?”

Tourist: “Where can I go ice fishing?”

Me: “A lot of places, but it’s way too warm for that right now.”

Tourist: “We’re in Canada, correct?”

Me: “Yeah, but it’s summer time. Maybe if you were much further north you’d find ice.”

Tourist: “I drove up from the south; this is north.”

Me: “Umm, well, you could take your kayak out to Lake Ontario to go regular fishing, but not ice fishing.”

(The tourist’s wife, with selective hearing issues, chimes in.)

Tourist’s Wife: “We can go ice fishing?!”

Me: *gives up* “Sure, just go down Lake Street, and you’ll find the lake.”

Tourist’s Wife: “Honey, look, they name their streets after the places they go to! How cute!”

(I watched them drive off in the opposite direction.)

(I work in a call center. We have a dedicated line for Spanish-speaking customers, but for anyone speaking anything else, we would use an interpreter service. I am on a call between the interpreter and the customer.)

Me: “Can you tell him that, since his phone has water damage, his warranty doesn’t cover it?”

(The interpreter translates this, and the customer shouts angrily for a few seconds.)

Coworker: “What did he say?”

Interpreter: “I don’t want to tell you.”

Coworker: “Oh, come on, now I really want to know.”

Interpreter: “Ok, well…”

(The interpreter repeats back a profanity laced diatribe about me, my family, the phone and the company.)

Coworker: “…wow, he said all that in that one little sentence?”

(I work in a café in the old city in Québec, which is a very popular tourist destination. A couple approaches the counter.)

Me: “Bonjour, hello.”

Customer: “Hello! You take American money, right?”

Me: “Ooh, I’m afraid not. Would you like to pay with a card? We take debit and credit.”

Customer: “Why don’t you take American dollars?”

Me: “Because this isn’t the United States.”

Customer: “What are you talking about?!”

Me: “Canada is a different country. May I ask where you’re visiting from?”

Customer: “New Zealand.”

Me: “Right, I thought I recognized the accent. Would you take it kindly if I came to your city and tried to use Australian dollars?”

Customer: “NO!”

Me: “Well, it’s the same deal here. Now would you like to pay with a card?”

Customer: “CANADA IS PART OF THE UNITED STATES; YOU’RE ALL JUST IN DENIAL!”

This story is part of our Canada Day roundup!

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